4 months

Oh sweet boy, you are four months old and I cannot even wrap my head around it. I'm not blinking anymore because I swear every time I do, you grow up more. Not okay.

It's kind of been a rough month for you. I took you to Urgent Care at the end of February and you were diagnosed with reflux. You had this cough that sounded like you had been smoking for 40 years. It was awful. You felt terrible. It took us a few weeks, a trip to the ER, a diagnosis of bronchiolitis and an ear infection, a formula change, and a lot of meds to get you feeling better. It was rough. But I think you're on the up and up now. Fingers crossed.

Your sleep has left much to be desired this month. Some nights you sleep four-five hours, and some nights you are up every two hours. There has been no schedule. I'm going to throw you a bone though. You really have not felt good at all. I'm hoping now that your ear feels better and your reflux is a bit more under control that we will really see an improvement in your sleep. We all need it. For sure.

So what else have you been up to this month Coop-a-loop?

- You went to Savannah for your first St. Patrick's Day. And you had a blast. You saw a bit of the parade but you spent most of your time being passed from person to person as we all fought to hold you and love all over you.

- You push your bottle or my chest away when you're done eating.

- You are still nursing and I'm just going with your flow on this. My supply is still terrible but it's about the same as always so we work with it. I think you nurse mostly for comfort which is fine by me. I figure when you get completely frustrated with it and don't want to anymore then we will quit. Until then, I'll pump and do whatever I need to. You're worth it.

- You still eat about every three hours. We don't want to up your amount too much right now because of the reflux so you will probably stay on that schedule for a while. You eat about five ounces at every feeding.

- You are putting your weight on your feet more often and are starting to enjoy "standing" a bit more.

- You love sitting up in your little chair. You are still pretty wobbly but you're getting there.

- You have figured out the toys on your seat and love to play with them and bang them on the tray. You also have found the toys on your play mat and like to roll and grab them.

- You love your little giraffe. It's your buddy.

- You are this ll close to rolling back to belly. You keep getting stuck on your side. You can roll from stomach to back but you don't do it much. You are still not a huge fan of tummy time.

- You are extremely vocal. You have definitely found your voice and you love to use it! You have the sweetest little voice.

- You are wearing mostly 3-6 month clothes and some 6 month. You are still in size 2 Pampers Swaddlers. At your four month appointment you weighed in at 15.3 pounds and were 24.75 inches long with at 42.2 cm head circumference. You are right in the 50th percentile for everything.

- You constantly have your hands in your mouth chewing on them and I've seen you sucking your thumb a few times. You also spend a lot of time sucking in that bottom lip. You act like you're teething, but I know your sister started this months before she started teething so maybe you're just getting started. It will probably be a while before we see any teeth.

- You go to bed around 7:30 pm each night and then it's a guessing game what happens next. You are usually up at least once or twice to nurse and then usually back to sleep. But like I said, you are Mr. Random Man at night. Every night is a guessing game.

- You are getting a bit better at napping but still aren't great. You will take an hour nap every so often. That's about your longest nap. I don't get why you don't like to sleep...

- You have started giggling out loud more often. It's pretty much the best sound.

- You are starting to turn your head when we say your name and smile at your name.

- You are still hands down a Mama's boy. You adore your sister and your Daddy but you light up when I come in the room. I love it so, so much. You melt my heart kid.

You are such a joy Coop. It's been a trying month but we are moving along and I know much better times are ahead. I can't wait for the next month with you.

my boy.

We found out Cooper was a boy at an early ultrasound right around 16 weeks.

Life was crazy and honestly, I kept forgetting I was even pregnant so I thought if I knew what the baby was, it might help me bond. So I begged B and then eventually just booked it thinking he would have to go if I had a set appointment.

I kind of wanted a girl.

No, I really wanted a girl.

In my head danced visions of girls in matching clothes. Of sisters sharing a room and telling secrets into the night. Of another sweet girl wearing E's hand me downs.

We had a name picked out. I could practically see the monogrammed clothes hanging in her closet. I was already in love with this girl.

But then a part of me always thought deep down this baby was a boy. At my very first appointment when I first saw the little bug, I thought "it's a boy" and I just knew it was true.
But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly still hoping for a girl.

Then we went to that appointment and the tech gave us an 85% shot that it was a boy. She just could never get that money shot to give us the 100% "it's a boy!" statement. But I knew. I knew that we'd just spent the last hour watching our son jump around on the screen.

It sounds insane to me right now that that sweet boy is sleeping away in my room, but this is how I felt back then. I had no idea...

I left that appointment slightly disappointed. I even voiced it to B, but not in so many words. I mean what kind of mother thinks like that?!

I feel I should put a disclaimer here; I adore my boy. At that moment though, I mourned the loss of a sister for Ella. And that's really what I wanted. Probably just because she loudly, LOUDLY, voiced her desire for a sister. I almost felt like I let her down. Crazy? Absolutely, but you can't reason with pregnancy hormones.
The weeks between that early ultrasound and our genetic screening were crazy in my head. A tiny part of me still thought the tech might be wrong. Maybe she saw his cord? Or a hand? I've heard plenty of stories where the ultrasound was wrong. It definitely happens.

But then the other part of me desperately hoped she was right. I bought a couple of boy items. I allowed myself to dream of blue and start to daydream of boy names. I felt like that at my next appointment I would be bummed no matter what, because now I wanted both.

The day of our specialist appointment quickly arrived and the tech took no time in pulling E aside and sharing with her first what the baby was. And as Ella said "it's a boy" (with no excitement mind you), I teared up. It was a boy. My boy. No I didn't know anything about raising boys but I was damn sure ready to try. Was I still a tad disappointed? Of course. I won't lie. Who wouldn't love watching two girls grow up? They're amazing.

I had no idea.

It's actually kind of weird typing this now because I know I felt this way but he's here now and oh my gosh ya'll; this boy has rocked my world.

My whole life I've been waiting on this child. On both of my children, but I couldn't imagine what he would do to my heart. I know they say boys are "Mama's boys" but you just don't get it til you see it. Til you live it. I swear I didn't know we were missing him until he was here and I realized that he's been missing all along. He is ours. He is the final piece to our family puzzle. We never would have been complete if it hadn't been him.

Funny how things work out. It makes me thankful that I'm not in charge of things. I didn't know how much I needed this boy. I didn't know how much I would adore this boy. I didn't know how much it would make my heart smile to watch him and Ella develop a relationship I could have only dreamed of. Thank you God for knowing better than I do. Thank you God for our beautiful, beautiful, beautiful baby boy. He's our world. I think we'll keep him.

full circle.

November is an extremely hard month around here.

While it's the beginning of the holiday season and pretty much the beginning of my favorite time of year, it's also the month that we suffered the most heart ache in.

It's the month that three of our pregnancies left us. The one where we found out about the other one that left us at Christmas. It's a hard, hard month.

When I found out Cooper was due in November, my heart sank. And when I went to that first ultrasound appointment, by myself since Mr. P was working out of town, and I was told that the baby's heart "was very slow but there's nothing we can do about it", I walked out to my car and just sobbed. Of course my November baby wasn't going to make it. It's such a bad month.

But God has bigger plans than us. Always. And they are always so, so much better than we can imagine them to be. Because that baby? He made it. And he turned an ordinary day in a month that used to bring so much heartache, into one of the best days ever. In a way it has all come full circle. All that heartache, all that loss in one month of a year and then He completed our family with the sweetest gift in that month.

Wow.

This guy? He stole our hearts. He is absolutely the perfect little bookend to complete our family. I got my best gift of 2014 in November.