I'm nervous y'all. Like real nervous.
I've read enough blogs over the years to know I'm not alone in my thinking, but it doesn't really change things. You still think things like "they just don't know how much I really love my daughter" or crazy things like that.
Before I had BG, I was convinced that she wouldn't compare to how I felt for my dog. And while I realize how crazy that sounds now, pre-Mama me had nothing to compare too. She just knew that she really, really, REALLY loved her dog. That dog was my child. She could do no wrong. I loved her like my child because I didn't have any of my own. It was all I knew.
Then, I had Baby Girl. And Lacy became.. a dog.
I still loved her yes, but little things that I never noticed drove me nuts. Like how her nails tapped on the hard wood. Or how her hair got EVERYWHERE. Or how she would lick the baby's bottles and pacis driving me into a sterilization nightmare. And when she barked when I finally got the Kid Who Never Slept asleep?? RAGE. Like head spinning, Exorcism of Emily Rose, spinning.
Everyone told me it would happen. They told me the two would never compare. And I listened to them, but I didn't believe them. They clearly didn't love their dogs as much as I loved mine. That was the only explanation.
Now? Well there's a second kid coming. And while I am excited (there should be a disclaimer here that I am one of those people that get excited when the baby is here. Not really before.. I'm just wired that way), I am also terrified that this kid will never compare to BG.
Don't throw things. I'm allowed to be worried. I'm allowed to be nervous.
I'm not comparing them as two different people, I'm just saying BG takes up a HUGE chunk of my heart and it scares me to think of him coming and taking some of that.
I'm insane. But I'm not. I'm just saying it all out loud.
I know that the minute he gets here my heart is going to expand and stretch and make room for him that I didn't even know I had. That I didn't even realize it had the capability to do. But right now? Right now all I see is a huge change and we all know this girl is not a fun of the C word.
BG and I have had 4 1/2 years together. I'm not a stay at home Mom and I work a lot, but there have been long stretches of her life where I did stay home. And even working, we spend a lot of time just me and her. There are lots of trips taken just me and her. Lots of activities. Lots of bedtimes. Lots of meals and movies and shopping trips. She's been my faithful companion for 4 1/2 years. She's been my shopping buddy, my running buddy, my park buddy. The girl always down for a Target trip. She's my heart and soul in 4 foot form. And thinking of changing that dynamic scares me to death.
Honestly, I don't know how it's going to be with two kids. I've never had two. But I know that my relationship with E is special and deserves time put into it like I always have. I'm actually a bit excited at the challenge of making sure that both kiddos get special time one on one time. I look forward to getting to know this new babe. To see who he is. To see how he ticks.
But I'm still scared of how I'll feel with two. Less than six weeks til I know....
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
it's in your head..
My friend Becca wrote a post the other day that really hit home with me. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest you do as she has such a way with words that you'll quickly find yourself nodding along in agreement with what she's stating.
Our church is also doing a series right now called "Crash the Chatterbox" which is dealing with, in a nutshell, hearing God's voice in our lives over all the others. Sometimes those voices are external, but usually, internal. And they aren't always nice.
They're the voices that tell you you're not thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, or just plain good enough. The ones that tell you that you don't parent "correctly" or that you're "getting it all wrong". Those last two? ones that have been beating me down lately.
This sermon series couldn't have come at a better time and as I read Becca's post last night, I teared up, because ohmygosh I am so there.
Forget all the other things that are beating me down right now, these days, mothering is beating me down. No, that's not true. It's not just being a mother. It's all the other things that come with it.
Three is a hard age y'all. Like super hard. While I absolutely adore my kid, there are times where I have considered just dipping out because I cannot handle one more second of the back talk. Of the outright defiance. Of the more than obvious favoritism of her father than her mother. And while I would never "dip out" (total expression), I find that those nasty little voices in my head get louder and louder the more frustrated I become. And these days, I'm pretty frustrated.
I struggle a lot with things in my past that constantly rear their ugly heads. They beat me down and too often when things get hard, I retreat. I back down. When E is acting out (again), I turn it onto me. She's not being a typical toddler, but instead she is straight out out to get me and then the dark takes over and I can hardly breathe.
In my head I play a game of 2 against 1 a lot. I put E and Mr. P together and they gang up on me. Which, if we're being honest, they do like to do, but I make it malicious and mean which it's so not. So I shut down. Because that's easier than feeling ganged up on any day.
Sunday the preacher made a statement that resonated with me. I didn't write it down so I can't quote it, but it basically went something like this; which voice are you going to let determine the direction of your life. And then he went further asking the question of what we are being kept from when listening to the wrong voices? What relationships are we missing out on or destroying because we are so in our own heads that we can't focus on what's outside?
Guilty.
I'm completely aware that my past and the relationships in my past are 99% of my dark voices. That the voice telling me to "give it up; you'll never be good at this Mom and wife thing" is definitely not His. And please don't think that I'm saying I'm leaving my family because I love my family, I'm just showing you my heart. That I struggle with not feeling good enough. In my head I make that into I don't have to put in the effort because it's all for naught; I will never be good at it.
See how bad that is?
Lately I'm taking E's three year oldness (disclaimer: she is a GOOD kid. She is kind and sweet and smart and oh so lovely. She's also 3 which as any parent to a toddler knows, is full of it's own highs and lows. This post is about my perception not her actual behavior.) and making it personal. I'm making her tantrums into an act of terrorism against me. See how messed up that is?
It's just a tough transition. I've never mothered a toddler. I have no clue what I'm doing and sometimes I forget that that is okay because no one does. Moms of four are still thrown curveballs. I am so not alone.
The key is to just remember that I've been through tough before. A lot. And He has never left my side. He won't now either. So when I feel like E and I are battling it out in the trenches, I know that He's down there with us trying to talk us through it. It's my job to listen. And to tell the other voices to freaking chill. I know it's all in my head, it's just that sometimes it would be so nice to distance myself from that head a bit. Too bad it's attached...
Our church is also doing a series right now called "Crash the Chatterbox" which is dealing with, in a nutshell, hearing God's voice in our lives over all the others. Sometimes those voices are external, but usually, internal. And they aren't always nice.
They're the voices that tell you you're not thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, or just plain good enough. The ones that tell you that you don't parent "correctly" or that you're "getting it all wrong". Those last two? ones that have been beating me down lately.
This sermon series couldn't have come at a better time and as I read Becca's post last night, I teared up, because ohmygosh I am so there.
Forget all the other things that are beating me down right now, these days, mothering is beating me down. No, that's not true. It's not just being a mother. It's all the other things that come with it.
Three is a hard age y'all. Like super hard. While I absolutely adore my kid, there are times where I have considered just dipping out because I cannot handle one more second of the back talk. Of the outright defiance. Of the more than obvious favoritism of her father than her mother. And while I would never "dip out" (total expression), I find that those nasty little voices in my head get louder and louder the more frustrated I become. And these days, I'm pretty frustrated.
I struggle a lot with things in my past that constantly rear their ugly heads. They beat me down and too often when things get hard, I retreat. I back down. When E is acting out (again), I turn it onto me. She's not being a typical toddler, but instead she is straight out out to get me and then the dark takes over and I can hardly breathe.
In my head I play a game of 2 against 1 a lot. I put E and Mr. P together and they gang up on me. Which, if we're being honest, they do like to do, but I make it malicious and mean which it's so not. So I shut down. Because that's easier than feeling ganged up on any day.
Sunday the preacher made a statement that resonated with me. I didn't write it down so I can't quote it, but it basically went something like this; which voice are you going to let determine the direction of your life. And then he went further asking the question of what we are being kept from when listening to the wrong voices? What relationships are we missing out on or destroying because we are so in our own heads that we can't focus on what's outside?
Guilty.
I'm completely aware that my past and the relationships in my past are 99% of my dark voices. That the voice telling me to "give it up; you'll never be good at this Mom and wife thing" is definitely not His. And please don't think that I'm saying I'm leaving my family because I love my family, I'm just showing you my heart. That I struggle with not feeling good enough. In my head I make that into I don't have to put in the effort because it's all for naught; I will never be good at it.
See how bad that is?
Lately I'm taking E's three year oldness (disclaimer: she is a GOOD kid. She is kind and sweet and smart and oh so lovely. She's also 3 which as any parent to a toddler knows, is full of it's own highs and lows. This post is about my perception not her actual behavior.) and making it personal. I'm making her tantrums into an act of terrorism against me. See how messed up that is?
It's just a tough transition. I've never mothered a toddler. I have no clue what I'm doing and sometimes I forget that that is okay because no one does. Moms of four are still thrown curveballs. I am so not alone.
The key is to just remember that I've been through tough before. A lot. And He has never left my side. He won't now either. So when I feel like E and I are battling it out in the trenches, I know that He's down there with us trying to talk us through it. It's my job to listen. And to tell the other voices to freaking chill. I know it's all in my head, it's just that sometimes it would be so nice to distance myself from that head a bit. Too bad it's attached...
Monday, January 6, 2014
2014: a few goals
I'm really bad at resolutions. Really bad.
But there are a few areas of my life that need some focus and my goal for 2014 is to work on those. So goals for 2014 it is.
1: spend more time in the Word. Spend more time with God.
We haven't found a church we love here yet. We've been watching our old church online but I know it's important to find a church home. Plus it's really important to me that BG attend church weekly from a young age. And she likes church. So we need to find one.
I also need to add time with Him in in my day. I can't remember the last time I had a daily quiet time. I don't promise it will always happen in the morning, but the goal is to spend at least 10-15 minutes daily reading and studying my Bible.
2: my health.
I'm 31. Things are starting to ache and fall apart. This year I plan on taking care of me. Not ignoring my aches and pains because I'm too busy with everyone else. I need to not ignore when I start squinting or my back starts hurting (I swear I'm not 80).
Along those lines: fitness and weight. Yes, yes total cliche resolution. But I've let myself go lately. I'm in the car 80% of the time and I eat just as bad, if not worse, than I always have. You do the math. I've put on weight since I moved here (more on that later) but I want to get healthy. No number in mind, just back to a place where I feel good. I want to get back to the gym. Back to running.
3: time management. I SUCK at this. My mornings are a disaster because I sleep too late, I'm playing when I should be focusing on family; it's no bueno. So this year, I'm going to work on getting up earlier. Working when I'm supposed to be working and focusing on my family come 5 o' clock. I'm tired of always feeling drained. If I spent my time wisely, I wouldn't always feel this scattered and behind.
4: relationships.
It's time to focus on the ones that matter and drop the ones that don't. The friendships that drag me down need to go. The friendships that build me up deserve more time and attention. I want to send more birthday cards. More little random notes. Make more phone calls.
A new year is a new slate. It's like the Megan of 2013 is gone and here is the Megan of 2014. And this new Megan, she's got some work to do. Let's do this.
But there are a few areas of my life that need some focus and my goal for 2014 is to work on those. So goals for 2014 it is.
1: spend more time in the Word. Spend more time with God.
We haven't found a church we love here yet. We've been watching our old church online but I know it's important to find a church home. Plus it's really important to me that BG attend church weekly from a young age. And she likes church. So we need to find one.
I also need to add time with Him in in my day. I can't remember the last time I had a daily quiet time. I don't promise it will always happen in the morning, but the goal is to spend at least 10-15 minutes daily reading and studying my Bible.
2: my health.
I'm 31. Things are starting to ache and fall apart. This year I plan on taking care of me. Not ignoring my aches and pains because I'm too busy with everyone else. I need to not ignore when I start squinting or my back starts hurting (I swear I'm not 80).
Along those lines: fitness and weight. Yes, yes total cliche resolution. But I've let myself go lately. I'm in the car 80% of the time and I eat just as bad, if not worse, than I always have. You do the math. I've put on weight since I moved here (more on that later) but I want to get healthy. No number in mind, just back to a place where I feel good. I want to get back to the gym. Back to running.
3: time management. I SUCK at this. My mornings are a disaster because I sleep too late, I'm playing when I should be focusing on family; it's no bueno. So this year, I'm going to work on getting up earlier. Working when I'm supposed to be working and focusing on my family come 5 o' clock. I'm tired of always feeling drained. If I spent my time wisely, I wouldn't always feel this scattered and behind.
4: relationships.
It's time to focus on the ones that matter and drop the ones that don't. The friendships that drag me down need to go. The friendships that build me up deserve more time and attention. I want to send more birthday cards. More little random notes. Make more phone calls.
A new year is a new slate. It's like the Megan of 2013 is gone and here is the Megan of 2014. And this new Megan, she's got some work to do. Let's do this.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
mom guilt.
Mom guilt. Yuck.
Every single one of us Mothers have felt it. Guilty. Over something.
Are we teaching them enough? Are we hugging them enough? Do I laugh with her enough? Do I sing to her enough?
Honestly, it freaking sucks. But I have a feeling it's not going anywhere.
Working Mom guilt is the pits. Some of us work and love it, some of us work because we have too. Doesn't matter the circumstance, there is going to come a time when work makes you feel the "Mom guilt".
You miss a pre-school play or you can't bake cookies for the class party. Or you're on a work trip and you miss Valentine's Day (yep, still not over it).
Stay at home Moms aren't immune either. There's the ever present "am I teaching them enough? Are they being socialized enough? Am I enough?!" questions that plague them.
I've been both. The guilt is everywhere.
Then you get posts like this and rebuttals like this that fly like wildfire all over the world wide web. One week we're all gung ho over the first one and vowing to focus all of our attention on our kiddos, then in a few weeks, that gets old and the second one comes out. Just in time too, because we need something else to get fired up about.
I have to say, I agreed with both of those posts. They both had extremely valid points.
I like the first one because I have been that Mom. I've searched my Instagram while my kid begged for my attention because it was a habit or because I felt out of the loop or because, well, just because. I've been know to tell her to "shhh" and "go watch her show" while I look at Facebook and catch up on my Reader.
That first post didn't make me feel guilty though. That writer can't do that. That post did make me more aware of my time though. And for that I give the lady props.
I really liked the second post too. It makes sense. In a world as technology driven as this one, our whole entire world is on our phone.
Yesterday I watched BG play in the backyard for 30 minutes while I dabbled on my phone. To the passerby, I would be the Mom ignoring her kid for the phone.
In reality, I was watching her. And cheering her on. But I was also answering a few work emails. I was filling out the paperwork for her specialist appointment coming up, I was scheduling in doctor's appointments and I was paying a bill.
When I was done, I was tempted to hop on Instagram and just look a bit. But she wanted to play soccer, so I set my phone down and we played soccer.
There has to be a balance. I think people expect us as Moms to be on all the time. And if that's the case, well, I know I fail every single day.
I adore my kid. But I also know my limits and I know that if I don't take a break for some me time every now and then, then I can't parent her to the best of my ability. I tend to snap more, lose patience faster, and shut her out more if I'm drained. I tend to be more drained when I don't take care of me.
I think it's okay to occasionally sit your kid down with a puzzle or something while you flip through your Facebook feed. I think it's okay to let your kid play in their room alone for a few moments while you decompress on the couch. I think it's okay to occasionally let them watch one extra cartoon while you finish an email to an old friend or wrap up a phone call.
I sometimes think we're doing things the wrong way. When I read posts that say that when a kid is awake, they should have your undivided attention, I'm like "say what?!". I remember when I was growing up, I heard "kids should be seen and not heard" and now it's the total opposite. Since when did the children take over?
All this to say that I get it. To both posts. And I think they're both right. And wrong. I think it's okay to occasionally let other things grab your focus but I also think it's really important to focus on what really matters. I think it's really important to manage your time well. To manage your homes well. To manage your family well. I also think that figuring out how to get all that done, is different for every single Mama. Only each of us can figure out if we're doing all of the above to the best we can.
Every single one of us Mothers have felt it. Guilty. Over something.
Are we teaching them enough? Are we hugging them enough? Do I laugh with her enough? Do I sing to her enough?
Honestly, it freaking sucks. But I have a feeling it's not going anywhere.
Working Mom guilt is the pits. Some of us work and love it, some of us work because we have too. Doesn't matter the circumstance, there is going to come a time when work makes you feel the "Mom guilt".
You miss a pre-school play or you can't bake cookies for the class party. Or you're on a work trip and you miss Valentine's Day (yep, still not over it).
Stay at home Moms aren't immune either. There's the ever present "am I teaching them enough? Are they being socialized enough? Am I enough?!" questions that plague them.
I've been both. The guilt is everywhere.
Then you get posts like this and rebuttals like this that fly like wildfire all over the world wide web. One week we're all gung ho over the first one and vowing to focus all of our attention on our kiddos, then in a few weeks, that gets old and the second one comes out. Just in time too, because we need something else to get fired up about.
I have to say, I agreed with both of those posts. They both had extremely valid points.
I like the first one because I have been that Mom. I've searched my Instagram while my kid begged for my attention because it was a habit or because I felt out of the loop or because, well, just because. I've been know to tell her to "shhh" and "go watch her show" while I look at Facebook and catch up on my Reader.
That first post didn't make me feel guilty though. That writer can't do that. That post did make me more aware of my time though. And for that I give the lady props.
I really liked the second post too. It makes sense. In a world as technology driven as this one, our whole entire world is on our phone.
Yesterday I watched BG play in the backyard for 30 minutes while I dabbled on my phone. To the passerby, I would be the Mom ignoring her kid for the phone.
In reality, I was watching her. And cheering her on. But I was also answering a few work emails. I was filling out the paperwork for her specialist appointment coming up, I was scheduling in doctor's appointments and I was paying a bill.
When I was done, I was tempted to hop on Instagram and just look a bit. But she wanted to play soccer, so I set my phone down and we played soccer.
There has to be a balance. I think people expect us as Moms to be on all the time. And if that's the case, well, I know I fail every single day.
I adore my kid. But I also know my limits and I know that if I don't take a break for some me time every now and then, then I can't parent her to the best of my ability. I tend to snap more, lose patience faster, and shut her out more if I'm drained. I tend to be more drained when I don't take care of me.
I think it's okay to occasionally sit your kid down with a puzzle or something while you flip through your Facebook feed. I think it's okay to let your kid play in their room alone for a few moments while you decompress on the couch. I think it's okay to occasionally let them watch one extra cartoon while you finish an email to an old friend or wrap up a phone call.
I sometimes think we're doing things the wrong way. When I read posts that say that when a kid is awake, they should have your undivided attention, I'm like "say what?!". I remember when I was growing up, I heard "kids should be seen and not heard" and now it's the total opposite. Since when did the children take over?
All this to say that I get it. To both posts. And I think they're both right. And wrong. I think it's okay to occasionally let other things grab your focus but I also think it's really important to focus on what really matters. I think it's really important to manage your time well. To manage your homes well. To manage your family well. I also think that figuring out how to get all that done, is different for every single Mama. Only each of us can figure out if we're doing all of the above to the best we can.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
back to good
The last couple of years have been rough. Really rough.
As I see posts flying around the blog world with "words of the year" listed, I can't help but think about what exactly my word would be.
To be honest, for the longest time I had no idea. Content would be a good one, but I don't think strong enough for what I hope for in 2013. Secure would actually fit because with all the upheavals of the past two years, I absolutely would love to have a feeling of security for just a few seconds.
But nothing fit.
My blog has been pretty silent lately and one would think that would be because there's nothing to say, but that's far from the truth. The truth would be that my insides and my thoughts have been in turmoil for a very long time and I have yet to find the way to spit that out on this screen.
Back to my word.
In 2013 I wish for one thing; peace.
I wish for decisions made in God's will that bring us peace. I wish for financial decisions to be made that can finally bring us peace in our financial situation. I wish for a sense of peace on where our family is headed next.
It's not really fair to say that things have been bad the last couple of years because that would imply that I'm not happy. And I am happy. So freaking happy. But things have been rough. They've been bumpy and rocky and turbulent and honestly, I'm tired. I just need some peace and quiet.
In 2013 I need resolution. Resolution to open ended issues that have been around for years. Resolution on big decisions.
Resolution will bring peace.
I just want things to get back to good. I want a few less stress induced headaches. I want a few less sleepless night. I want a few less open ended issues hanging around.
I want peace.
As I see posts flying around the blog world with "words of the year" listed, I can't help but think about what exactly my word would be.
To be honest, for the longest time I had no idea. Content would be a good one, but I don't think strong enough for what I hope for in 2013. Secure would actually fit because with all the upheavals of the past two years, I absolutely would love to have a feeling of security for just a few seconds.
But nothing fit.
My blog has been pretty silent lately and one would think that would be because there's nothing to say, but that's far from the truth. The truth would be that my insides and my thoughts have been in turmoil for a very long time and I have yet to find the way to spit that out on this screen.
Back to my word.
In 2013 I wish for one thing; peace.
I wish for decisions made in God's will that bring us peace. I wish for financial decisions to be made that can finally bring us peace in our financial situation. I wish for a sense of peace on where our family is headed next.
It's not really fair to say that things have been bad the last couple of years because that would imply that I'm not happy. And I am happy. So freaking happy. But things have been rough. They've been bumpy and rocky and turbulent and honestly, I'm tired. I just need some peace and quiet.
In 2013 I need resolution. Resolution to open ended issues that have been around for years. Resolution on big decisions.
Resolution will bring peace.
I just want things to get back to good. I want a few less stress induced headaches. I want a few less sleepless night. I want a few less open ended issues hanging around.
I want peace.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
weak.
There are very few things that make me very uncomfortable.
People talking about sex (I'm twelve I know), confrontation, and weakness are the top three.
For so long I looked at weakness as a bad thing. Who wants to be weak? There have been times where tears have given me feelings of utter disgust. I'm not proud of that, but it's true.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like I don't have it all together; like I cannot do something. It makes me feel out of control which just sends me into a tailspin and I don't like it at all.
So on Sunday when the pastor preached about how weakness might not be such a bad thing, I listened. Surely he was wrong?
But apparently he's not. In fact, biblically it says that it is not a sin to be weak, but it is a sin to pretend to be strong.
Wow.
He preached on how Paul, an amazing man of God, prayed numerously for God to take away a certain weakness in his life. He asked three times for this to happen and three times it was denied. Knowing God could easily have cured whatever ailed him, surely there had to be a reason He kept saying no.
Let me be frank with you; right now, in this season of life, I feel very, very weak. In such a short time, everything I was used to got flipped upside down. My husband would agree with me as he is feeling very much the same, but that would be his story to tell. We were very comfortable where we were. We liked where we lived, we were pleased with our jobs, and life was plain good.
Now? Every single day is scary.
As I sat there in church on Sunday, I knew that this little stage was one I needed to talk about. Because so often we sit here and we read stories of bloggers that just seem to have it all together and if we don't feel like that, then it hurts. It feels like a slap in the face.
I know because I've been there. But I've also been the blogger who pretends to have it all together while I am a mess inside. But not this time.
I find that when times are a little tough, I am stretched and molded by God to reflect more of who He wants me to be. Every time, a little less of the old Megan is there and a lot more of a new Megan replaces her. And it is good.
The pastor made an excellent point when he said that "we want to understand our weakness, but God wants to unleash it. We want to 'fix' the problem, but God wants to transform the person".
Wow.
Honestly, with everything going on right now, I just want a big life fast forward button. I'm tired of the stress, I'm tired of the worry, I'm tired of the guilt. I need a break.
Daily I think I need change; I need a job and I need it now. BG needs to be in school. We need to find a permanent place to live. And all of those things? I want like yesterday.
But it appears someone else has different plans.
It's time like this where one has to just listen. Just sit and listen. I'm not putting on any airs. When I say that right now I am physically and emotionally weak, I am being as honest as one can be. It's hard right now.
Mr. P and I both want things different and we want them different now. But perhaps this is our time to take a step back and regroup. Perhaps we were following the wrong plan and this is His way of getting us back on track. I really don't know..
What I do know is this; every single time when I have been at my weakest, God has used it for more than I was even imagining.
When we went through everything to get BG, we were ready to give up. To walk away. But He had a different plan and now I have her. And she's more than I could have dreamed.
When we were down and out and so sad about leaving Savannah; He moved us to Anderson, where I met one of my closest friends and made so many other good friends and our faith grew like we only dreamed it would.
When I am weakest He uses me the most.
This is one of those times. It's time to give up my control freak tendencies for a bit and just ride this ride to where it's supposed to take me.
People talking about sex (I'm twelve I know), confrontation, and weakness are the top three.
For so long I looked at weakness as a bad thing. Who wants to be weak? There have been times where tears have given me feelings of utter disgust. I'm not proud of that, but it's true.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like I don't have it all together; like I cannot do something. It makes me feel out of control which just sends me into a tailspin and I don't like it at all.
So on Sunday when the pastor preached about how weakness might not be such a bad thing, I listened. Surely he was wrong?
But apparently he's not. In fact, biblically it says that it is not a sin to be weak, but it is a sin to pretend to be strong.
Wow.
He preached on how Paul, an amazing man of God, prayed numerously for God to take away a certain weakness in his life. He asked three times for this to happen and three times it was denied. Knowing God could easily have cured whatever ailed him, surely there had to be a reason He kept saying no.
Let me be frank with you; right now, in this season of life, I feel very, very weak. In such a short time, everything I was used to got flipped upside down. My husband would agree with me as he is feeling very much the same, but that would be his story to tell. We were very comfortable where we were. We liked where we lived, we were pleased with our jobs, and life was plain good.
Now? Every single day is scary.
As I sat there in church on Sunday, I knew that this little stage was one I needed to talk about. Because so often we sit here and we read stories of bloggers that just seem to have it all together and if we don't feel like that, then it hurts. It feels like a slap in the face.
I know because I've been there. But I've also been the blogger who pretends to have it all together while I am a mess inside. But not this time.
I find that when times are a little tough, I am stretched and molded by God to reflect more of who He wants me to be. Every time, a little less of the old Megan is there and a lot more of a new Megan replaces her. And it is good.
The pastor made an excellent point when he said that "we want to understand our weakness, but God wants to unleash it. We want to 'fix' the problem, but God wants to transform the person".
Wow.
Honestly, with everything going on right now, I just want a big life fast forward button. I'm tired of the stress, I'm tired of the worry, I'm tired of the guilt. I need a break.
Daily I think I need change; I need a job and I need it now. BG needs to be in school. We need to find a permanent place to live. And all of those things? I want like yesterday.
But it appears someone else has different plans.
It's time like this where one has to just listen. Just sit and listen. I'm not putting on any airs. When I say that right now I am physically and emotionally weak, I am being as honest as one can be. It's hard right now.
Mr. P and I both want things different and we want them different now. But perhaps this is our time to take a step back and regroup. Perhaps we were following the wrong plan and this is His way of getting us back on track. I really don't know..
What I do know is this; every single time when I have been at my weakest, God has used it for more than I was even imagining.
When we went through everything to get BG, we were ready to give up. To walk away. But He had a different plan and now I have her. And she's more than I could have dreamed.
When we were down and out and so sad about leaving Savannah; He moved us to Anderson, where I met one of my closest friends and made so many other good friends and our faith grew like we only dreamed it would.
When I am weakest He uses me the most.
This is one of those times. It's time to give up my control freak tendencies for a bit and just ride this ride to where it's supposed to take me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
on being thirty.
So I'm thirty now. Amazingly enough, the day came and went with little to no pain. Of course I did ease the pain a little that night with my favorite wine, but whatever. Oddly enough, thirty feels no different than twenty nine. Different than eighteen, but that's to be expected.
I remember when I thought thirty was so old. Like so old. We had a teacher that was thirty when we were in high school. She was actually my youngest teacher but she had kids and a minivan and a mortgage and wow. She was old. Her life was basically over. Or at least at a big standstill. I mean what happens next? Does anything really happen after the marriage and kids??
Now, well now I know that she was just starting life. That it was just her beginning. Not her middle and most definitely not her end. My perspective has shifted. That eighteen year old kid had no clue what life had in store.
Most of the times I don't "feel" how I would've expected a thirty year old to feel. True, my body hurts a bit more after a simple run than it ever did after ninety minutes of a hardcore soccer game and I ice body parts more now than ever before. Three glasses of wine will give me a bloody hangover for days when I used to be able to party til four am and still be in class or at work by eight. That is the surest sign of my "advancing" age. But overall, I don't "feel" thirty.
Most days as I flip through my FB timeline, I still find it odd that 95% of my FB friends are posting pictures of first days of school and baby's first tailgate. My timeline is no longer flooded with shots of a party that weekend or multiple concert posts. I see more cries for sleep training help or sales of smocked dresses than anything else. Even my timeline is getting older.
Sometimes I still cannot believe that I could possibly be thirty. That I could be someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's coworker. I still feel like I'm playing house sometimes when I peruse the internet looking for a recipe (okay, that's happened once) or go looking for a good deal on a Halloween costume. I had a "is this my life?" moment when I went looking for possible dance lessons for my daughter the other day.
My daughter. I am totally thirty.
It's crazy because sometimes I let that number get to me and I'm all "holy crap I'm thirty and have done nothing with my life". But really, what was I going to do? Cure cancer? Play in a professional soccer game? Win the lottery? (that would still be okay..) In the ways that one should measure her years (happiness, love, all that gushy stuff), well in those, I've more than surpassed thirty years worth. I'm good in those departments.
Clearly thirty is still messing with my head a bit as I'm still talking about it. It's just.. I can still remember pondering thirty and now I'm here. And it's so different than I thought. But different good.
I say that today. Give me a minute. I may change my mind.
I remember when I thought thirty was so old. Like so old. We had a teacher that was thirty when we were in high school. She was actually my youngest teacher but she had kids and a minivan and a mortgage and wow. She was old. Her life was basically over. Or at least at a big standstill. I mean what happens next? Does anything really happen after the marriage and kids??
Now, well now I know that she was just starting life. That it was just her beginning. Not her middle and most definitely not her end. My perspective has shifted. That eighteen year old kid had no clue what life had in store.
Most of the times I don't "feel" how I would've expected a thirty year old to feel. True, my body hurts a bit more after a simple run than it ever did after ninety minutes of a hardcore soccer game and I ice body parts more now than ever before. Three glasses of wine will give me a bloody hangover for days when I used to be able to party til four am and still be in class or at work by eight. That is the surest sign of my "advancing" age. But overall, I don't "feel" thirty.
Most days as I flip through my FB timeline, I still find it odd that 95% of my FB friends are posting pictures of first days of school and baby's first tailgate. My timeline is no longer flooded with shots of a party that weekend or multiple concert posts. I see more cries for sleep training help or sales of smocked dresses than anything else. Even my timeline is getting older.
Sometimes I still cannot believe that I could possibly be thirty. That I could be someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's coworker. I still feel like I'm playing house sometimes when I peruse the internet looking for a recipe (okay, that's happened once) or go looking for a good deal on a Halloween costume. I had a "is this my life?" moment when I went looking for possible dance lessons for my daughter the other day.
My daughter. I am totally thirty.
It's crazy because sometimes I let that number get to me and I'm all "holy crap I'm thirty and have done nothing with my life". But really, what was I going to do? Cure cancer? Play in a professional soccer game? Win the lottery? (that would still be okay..) In the ways that one should measure her years (happiness, love, all that gushy stuff), well in those, I've more than surpassed thirty years worth. I'm good in those departments.
Clearly thirty is still messing with my head a bit as I'm still talking about it. It's just.. I can still remember pondering thirty and now I'm here. And it's so different than I thought. But different good.
I say that today. Give me a minute. I may change my mind.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
thirty
I need to start with a huge thank you to all those involved in 9/11 eleven years ago today. And that includes those whose involvement just began that day as they fought for America against the evil that attacked us. That includes the families of everyone involved. That includes the firefighters, the policemen, the military, and the everyday people who searched for months for survivors and worked to clean up the pieces. And mostly? I remember those who lost their lives today and their families. God Bless America..
So I turn thirty today. Thirty. Wow.
To be honest, I don't really feel thirty so I'm not sure how much I'm affected by it, but thirty is a bit intimidating no matter how one feels.
As thirty approached, we got hit with change, after change, after change which pretty much kept me from wallowing in the woe is me that is turning thirty. But now? Now that the dust has settled (a bit) and the house is quiet and Mr. P is back out at work, now it's hitting me.
Thirty. Wow.
Truth be told this being one of those "milestone" birthdays, it's easy to get a bit down as you think of where your life is compared to where you always thought it would be. Career wise, family wise, even home wise, I'm so not where I thought I would be.
The other day it started bothering me that I don't have a job that I love. That we don't currently own a home in a town we want to grow old in, that we haven't completed our family in the ways we thought we would back when we got married. It's easy to get a bit down when you think of it that way.
So since I'm not a fan at all of being down in the dumps, I quickly turned it around. I decided that thirty wouldn't be an "end" of sorts, but instead a beginning. A beginning of my "grown up life" if you will. Man, I remember when thirty was so old...
My ideas of what life would look like at thirty didn't really pan out, but there's so much I never could have imagined that has happened instead, all of which is pretty great.
I have an amazing husband. I thank God that our marriage is one that actually gets better year after year than one that fizzled out early. I have a husband who leads our family and works hard to take care of our family. A husband who loves his wife and daughter in ways that most families can only dream of having a father figure act.
I have the best daughter in the world. Seriously. She makes me unbelievably crazy most days, but she is the biggest blessing. She can make you smile at any moment of the day and her laugh is infectious. She has the biggest heart and already can tell when someone just "needs a hug". She's amazing. She is more than worth the wait and if I had to do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing as long as I get her.
I have an amazing family. Though they can make me crazier than a bat, they are supportive, they are loving, and they'll do whatever they can to help at any time.
I have awesome friends. Seriously, my friends rock (as evidenced by the blowing up my phone is doing today). They are always there to laugh with me, cry with me, or beat someone up for me (kidding). They are my soul sisters. We do life together.
I have an amazing community here in this blog world. You guys have become my rock. I tell my deepest thoughts and fears here and you guys always listen. Some of you have become my closest friends in real life too. I adore this community.
I have a roof over my head. I have food in my belly. I'm in good shape from running again. I have family that loves me. Friends that rock. In every thing that really matters, the first thirty years have been so good to me.
So yea.. it didn't all pan out like I thought it would by thirty. But the things that matter? they turned out better than I could have ever imagined. And that's what counts.
Plus, I've heard that thirty is actually pretty awesome (eighteen year old me doesn't believe that, but she's usually wrong). So bring it on thirty. It's time to tackle the things in life that need working on. I've already got it pretty great, here's to continue the improvements in the next decade.
So I turn thirty today. Thirty. Wow.
To be honest, I don't really feel thirty so I'm not sure how much I'm affected by it, but thirty is a bit intimidating no matter how one feels.
As thirty approached, we got hit with change, after change, after change which pretty much kept me from wallowing in the woe is me that is turning thirty. But now? Now that the dust has settled (a bit) and the house is quiet and Mr. P is back out at work, now it's hitting me.
Thirty. Wow.
Truth be told this being one of those "milestone" birthdays, it's easy to get a bit down as you think of where your life is compared to where you always thought it would be. Career wise, family wise, even home wise, I'm so not where I thought I would be.
The other day it started bothering me that I don't have a job that I love. That we don't currently own a home in a town we want to grow old in, that we haven't completed our family in the ways we thought we would back when we got married. It's easy to get a bit down when you think of it that way.
So since I'm not a fan at all of being down in the dumps, I quickly turned it around. I decided that thirty wouldn't be an "end" of sorts, but instead a beginning. A beginning of my "grown up life" if you will. Man, I remember when thirty was so old...
My ideas of what life would look like at thirty didn't really pan out, but there's so much I never could have imagined that has happened instead, all of which is pretty great.
I have an amazing husband. I thank God that our marriage is one that actually gets better year after year than one that fizzled out early. I have a husband who leads our family and works hard to take care of our family. A husband who loves his wife and daughter in ways that most families can only dream of having a father figure act.
I have the best daughter in the world. Seriously. She makes me unbelievably crazy most days, but she is the biggest blessing. She can make you smile at any moment of the day and her laugh is infectious. She has the biggest heart and already can tell when someone just "needs a hug". She's amazing. She is more than worth the wait and if I had to do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing as long as I get her.
I have an amazing family. Though they can make me crazier than a bat, they are supportive, they are loving, and they'll do whatever they can to help at any time.
I have awesome friends. Seriously, my friends rock (as evidenced by the blowing up my phone is doing today). They are always there to laugh with me, cry with me, or beat someone up for me (kidding). They are my soul sisters. We do life together.
I have an amazing community here in this blog world. You guys have become my rock. I tell my deepest thoughts and fears here and you guys always listen. Some of you have become my closest friends in real life too. I adore this community.
I have a roof over my head. I have food in my belly. I'm in good shape from running again. I have family that loves me. Friends that rock. In every thing that really matters, the first thirty years have been so good to me.
So yea.. it didn't all pan out like I thought it would by thirty. But the things that matter? they turned out better than I could have ever imagined. And that's what counts.
Plus, I've heard that thirty is actually pretty awesome (eighteen year old me doesn't believe that, but she's usually wrong). So bring it on thirty. It's time to tackle the things in life that need working on. I've already got it pretty great, here's to continue the improvements in the next decade.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
am i normal?
Last week, BG and I met a friend for lunch and some play time at Chick-fil-a.
*Side note, I may be the only person on the planet not in live with Chick-fil-a. It's good and all, but I really go for the awesome children's play place. Why can't that sucker be at Five Guys?!
Anyway, after we ate, we walked over to the play area to let the girls play for a while. There were actually two other ladies already in there with their kiddos and it didn't take us long to strike up a conversation.
These ladies were about my age, stay at home Moms who were ridiculously nice and I really liked talking too (plus, I walked away with email addresses. That's the Mom version of getting a number at a bar. Score!). The conversation was easy, the laughs were often, and other than the occasional pause to holler at children, there were not silences at all.
It was great.
Eventually one of them said something about leaving their kids. No, not at CFA, but for the night. And y'all, I was the only one of the four that had been away from her child for more than one night. Did I mention BG was the youngest one of the four?
"Oh, I just can't be away from him that long".
"I've never left her but that one night. She even went on our anniversary trip".
Hold the phone.
Now I love my child. I adore her. I pretty much think the sun rises out of her backside, but would I leave her for an anniversary weekend with my husband?
Absolutely.
An anniversary week? Well, probably not, but baby steps folks.
I found myself feeling guilty for my girl's trip weekend, which guys, I've only been away from her for two nights so I'm not exactly too far from them, but the point is, I would leave her. If need be.
If a girl's trip comes up, I'm there. If my husband springs for a couple nights out of town, I'm so there. If someone shows up and offers me a night all to myself in a hotel, I am SO there.
Am I normal? Because while I think my child is the coolest thing since sliced bread, I also know it does us both some good to have some time away from each other.
I wasn't always like that though. I wouldn't even leave her for dinner. It was bad. But then I realized that I was quickly losing the ability to even see M anymore and was only seeing BG's Mom. And as much as I love that title, I've been pretty fond of M for years now and would like to keep her around.
So now, occasionally, I'm okay with slipping away. It does us both good. It gives us a break when we're both on each others last nerve. And usually, the time away makes the reunion so much sweeter.
If I'm not normal, that's okay. I don't judge those ladies at all and I actually have to admire them for never needing to sneak away for a break. But this girl? Sometimes this girl needs a dang break. And if that's not normal, well, I'm completely okay with that.
*Side note, I may be the only person on the planet not in live with Chick-fil-a. It's good and all, but I really go for the awesome children's play place. Why can't that sucker be at Five Guys?!
Anyway, after we ate, we walked over to the play area to let the girls play for a while. There were actually two other ladies already in there with their kiddos and it didn't take us long to strike up a conversation.
These ladies were about my age, stay at home Moms who were ridiculously nice and I really liked talking too (plus, I walked away with email addresses. That's the Mom version of getting a number at a bar. Score!). The conversation was easy, the laughs were often, and other than the occasional pause to holler at children, there were not silences at all.
It was great.
Eventually one of them said something about leaving their kids. No, not at CFA, but for the night. And y'all, I was the only one of the four that had been away from her child for more than one night. Did I mention BG was the youngest one of the four?
"Oh, I just can't be away from him that long".
"I've never left her but that one night. She even went on our anniversary trip".
Hold the phone.
Now I love my child. I adore her. I pretty much think the sun rises out of her backside, but would I leave her for an anniversary weekend with my husband?
Absolutely.
An anniversary week? Well, probably not, but baby steps folks.
I found myself feeling guilty for my girl's trip weekend, which guys, I've only been away from her for two nights so I'm not exactly too far from them, but the point is, I would leave her. If need be.
If a girl's trip comes up, I'm there. If my husband springs for a couple nights out of town, I'm so there. If someone shows up and offers me a night all to myself in a hotel, I am SO there.
Am I normal? Because while I think my child is the coolest thing since sliced bread, I also know it does us both some good to have some time away from each other.
I wasn't always like that though. I wouldn't even leave her for dinner. It was bad. But then I realized that I was quickly losing the ability to even see M anymore and was only seeing BG's Mom. And as much as I love that title, I've been pretty fond of M for years now and would like to keep her around.
So now, occasionally, I'm okay with slipping away. It does us both good. It gives us a break when we're both on each others last nerve. And usually, the time away makes the reunion so much sweeter.
If I'm not normal, that's okay. I don't judge those ladies at all and I actually have to admire them for never needing to sneak away for a break. But this girl? Sometimes this girl needs a dang break. And if that's not normal, well, I'm completely okay with that.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
who i've become...
I had a lot of ideas of how motherhood was going to go.
And then I had a kid and those ideasflew torpedoed out the window.
I used to swear I would never let my child watch Barney or Sesame Street or any of that junk. Now? I would move that purple creature or that red toddler into my house if it would buy five minutes of peace while my child is distracted.
I'm still trying to figure out where the modest girl who wouldn't even let someone near the bathroom door while she was in there went. And what she would think of the girl who explains what she's doing in the bathroom to a three foot person and heck, can't even remember the last time she shut the door to go in there.
Okay that's a lie. I do remember. It was the last time I snuck in there with a magazine and pretended I had to go so I could have five. measly. minutes. of quiet.
I was all "I'll never put my kids in character clothing. EVER." and then I had a toddler who loves Elmo so much, that I put in a rush order for Christmas just so she could have an Elmo t-shirt to wear.
Who searched everywhere for an Abby doll that was so worth the big smile I got from the little on Christmas morning.
I'm a germaphobe that is terrified of bodily fluids. But on more than one occasion, I've wiped poop on my pants (hers people), wiped a nose with my finger, and last week had her blow her nose on the sleeve of my coat because I couldn't find anything else.
I've danced around like a fool just to make her laugh. I've worn torn, worn out clothes to keep her in new ones. I haven't had a hair cut inyears months but she has three pairs of new shoes.
I used to laugh at people who needed portable dvd players for their car, until I rode five hours with a screaming toddler. I bought one before the next trip.
I disliked Princesses and dolls and then I had a girl who loved Princesses and dolls and now I can't, for the life of me, quit buying them.
Somewhere along the lines it happened; I became a Mom. And it freaking rocks.
Elmo induced haze and all.
And then I had a kid and those ideas
I used to swear I would never let my child watch Barney or Sesame Street or any of that junk. Now? I would move that purple creature or that red toddler into my house if it would buy five minutes of peace while my child is distracted.
I'm still trying to figure out where the modest girl who wouldn't even let someone near the bathroom door while she was in there went. And what she would think of the girl who explains what she's doing in the bathroom to a three foot person and heck, can't even remember the last time she shut the door to go in there.
Okay that's a lie. I do remember. It was the last time I snuck in there with a magazine and pretended I had to go so I could have five. measly. minutes. of quiet.
I was all "I'll never put my kids in character clothing. EVER." and then I had a toddler who loves Elmo so much, that I put in a rush order for Christmas just so she could have an Elmo t-shirt to wear.
Who searched everywhere for an Abby doll that was so worth the big smile I got from the little on Christmas morning.
I'm a germaphobe that is terrified of bodily fluids. But on more than one occasion, I've wiped poop on my pants (hers people), wiped a nose with my finger, and last week had her blow her nose on the sleeve of my coat because I couldn't find anything else.
I've danced around like a fool just to make her laugh. I've worn torn, worn out clothes to keep her in new ones. I haven't had a hair cut in
I used to laugh at people who needed portable dvd players for their car, until I rode five hours with a screaming toddler. I bought one before the next trip.
I disliked Princesses and dolls and then I had a girl who loved Princesses and dolls and now I can't, for the life of me, quit buying them.
Somewhere along the lines it happened; I became a Mom. And it freaking rocks.
Elmo induced haze and all.
Friday, March 2, 2012
a work in progress.
When I was younger, I honestly thought that all the Moms around me had it all figured out.
When you're a kid, you're pretty selfish. I never thought that my Mom or my friend's Moms maybe had unsettled thoughts or really, any thoughts that didn't have to do with us kids.
I know, I know.
Now that I am a Mom, I realize that couldn't be further from the truth.
I adore my child. Seriously, I do. I tend to think that she is about the coolest kid out there. Not to mention the smartest, the prettiest, and the funniest. She's my child. Of course I think all that. But I got to be honest. Sometimes, all I want to do is think about me. Not her, for just five seconds.
Wow. How incredibly selfish do I sound?
See, I'm still a work in progress. I'm almost 30 and I'm still not where I thought I would be at this point in life. I've made different decisions than I ever thought I would. But what's done is done. That doesn't mean though, that I should settle. I need to keep working.
There are times when I need to just be "me" instead of "Mom". When I need to ride with all the windows down and the radio blaring (obviously when I'm alone in the car). When I need to go have drinks with my girlfriends. When I just need a break.
I was "me" for 27 years before I was "Mom". But even in 27 years, I didn't perfect who I was. I'm still working on that.
The most important thing I will ever do for BG is be a strong, confident woman for her to look up to. To be strong in my faith, my marriage, and true to myself. I cannot be all those things if I don't take the "Mom" hat off every once in a while and work on the "wife", "friend", and "me" hats.
I went to the movies with a couple of friends last night and left BG with Mr. P. After the movie, I got in my car, opened all the windows, and cranked up some Train and headed home. Only my favorite song came on so I had to do a couple loops around the neighborhood while I listened and sang my little heart out.
It felt good. It felt like old times. And truth be told, it gave me just enough of a glimpse of that younger me to recharge me to go back to "Mom" me.
Does that even make sense?
I'm a Mom now. Duh. But I'm still M. The girl who loves music, nights out, the beach, soccer, animals, and so many other things that used to be more important to me than anything. Obviously they rank lower now, but I need to still delve into those things. My passions make me who I am.
I'm still working on me. Fortunately, all that time and attention makes me a better person, therefore a better wife and Mom. Which is what the people I love deserve. It's a win for all of us.
When you're a kid, you're pretty selfish. I never thought that my Mom or my friend's Moms maybe had unsettled thoughts or really, any thoughts that didn't have to do with us kids.
I know, I know.
Now that I am a Mom, I realize that couldn't be further from the truth.
I adore my child. Seriously, I do. I tend to think that she is about the coolest kid out there. Not to mention the smartest, the prettiest, and the funniest. She's my child. Of course I think all that. But I got to be honest. Sometimes, all I want to do is think about me. Not her, for just five seconds.
Wow. How incredibly selfish do I sound?
See, I'm still a work in progress. I'm almost 30 and I'm still not where I thought I would be at this point in life. I've made different decisions than I ever thought I would. But what's done is done. That doesn't mean though, that I should settle. I need to keep working.
There are times when I need to just be "me" instead of "Mom". When I need to ride with all the windows down and the radio blaring (obviously when I'm alone in the car). When I need to go have drinks with my girlfriends. When I just need a break.
I was "me" for 27 years before I was "Mom". But even in 27 years, I didn't perfect who I was. I'm still working on that.
The most important thing I will ever do for BG is be a strong, confident woman for her to look up to. To be strong in my faith, my marriage, and true to myself. I cannot be all those things if I don't take the "Mom" hat off every once in a while and work on the "wife", "friend", and "me" hats.
I went to the movies with a couple of friends last night and left BG with Mr. P. After the movie, I got in my car, opened all the windows, and cranked up some Train and headed home. Only my favorite song came on so I had to do a couple loops around the neighborhood while I listened and sang my little heart out.
It felt good. It felt like old times. And truth be told, it gave me just enough of a glimpse of that younger me to recharge me to go back to "Mom" me.
Does that even make sense?
I'm a Mom now. Duh. But I'm still M. The girl who loves music, nights out, the beach, soccer, animals, and so many other things that used to be more important to me than anything. Obviously they rank lower now, but I need to still delve into those things. My passions make me who I am.
I'm still working on me. Fortunately, all that time and attention makes me a better person, therefore a better wife and Mom. Which is what the people I love deserve. It's a win for all of us.
Monday, February 20, 2012
glory days.
I have to admit; I am sucker for a teenage/high school tv drama.
I own every season of Dawson's Creek, I tend to watch episodes of Glee numerous times each, Gossip Girl and 90210 clog up my DVR, and now that the hubs gifted the household with Netflix instant, my queue is blasted with old episodes of Friday Night Lights and One Tree Hill. I cannot get enough.
But I have to admit, sometimes watching these shows gives me a tinge of the sadness and brings out my emo side. I can't quite put my finger on why.
Maybe it's the fact that they're overcoming all these obstacles and shining in basketball games or at state regionals. Maybe it's the young love fresh with all those giggles and "does he like me?"s that only new love comes with. Maybe it's the group of best friends that you get to see all day every day while at school.
When I was in high school, I was told "everyone says that high school is the best time of your life, but they're wrong; college is". Then in college I heard "everyone says college is the best times of your life but they're wrong; your twenties are". When I was in high school, I was pretty sure that the life I was living was the best it could be, my glory days if you will. I would later find out that the best was still yet to come, but seventeen year old me had no clue that was the case.
It's not a good thing usually when someone is described as "peaking in high school". It tends to mean that those were your best days, the ones you still want to be in and therefore usually forfeit some of your present by living in the past. And while I definitely wouldn't say that I "peaked" in high school, I do tend to think of them as my "glory days".
Let's face it; I'm never going to rock a soccer field again. Numerous knee injuries, a hip injury, and way too loose ankles have killed that. I'm probably never going to walk the halls of a building and have nine out of ten people know my name and say hi to me. I had that time. It was freaking awesome, but it's done.
I think it's normal to miss those feelings. To miss the high you get after scoring the winning goal or acing a Calculus test. To miss the butterflies you got when the most popular boy in school wants to take you out on a Friday night. To miss the camaraderie of a group of friends that spend every day together at school but then want to be together on the weekends too. I just don't think it's good to dwell on it so much that you miss out on what's right in front of you.
Personally, I can't wait for the day that BG is old enough to listen to some of my stories. When I can tell her that her Mom was a pretty darn good soccer player and people knew it. How when she tore her knee just a couple of games into the season and was out the rest of her senior year, the coaches and other players' parents knew our shot at the championship that year was over. How I dislocated my shoulder in a game, ran to the sideline and had the trainer pop it back in and was back in the game in less than five minutes. I'll tell her about being prom queen and how much fun my best friends and I had living in our small town. Oh yea.. she's going to have to hear the stories.
While I'm glad I didn't "peak" in high school and while I did go on to college and play soccer a few more years and had even more fun than high school, I still think high school might have been my "glory days".
But were they? Just for grins and giggles, I set out to Goog*le myself the other day. It took hours (I do have the most common maiden name on the planet) but eventually I found the old articles about my soccer games and academic achievements and all that. Know why it took so long? Because they were in the archives of the paper y'all. The freaking archives.
They don't really matter anymore. Let's be honest, if you see me walking down the street these days, you're never going to think, "Heck, she looks like an awesome athlete!" or "man she must be super smart!". My soccer stats and my GPA will never be on my tombstone. They just don't matter anymore.
So were those my glory days? Or are they now?
Are they in how I raise BG? Are they in how I share Christ with others? Is this my glory days?
While the past was a blast (ha), it is just that; the past. It doesn't matter anymore. Yes, it helped shape who I am today but at the same time, if you spend too much time looking back, you'll miss something these days. That is not what I want to happen.
I had a good time. I did what I did well and was proud of myself. I'm still proud of myself. At the time, they were my glory days. But now? this life? this raising my child and forming a family with Mr. P? this is my glory days. And I fully intend to rock these as well.
I own every season of Dawson's Creek, I tend to watch episodes of Glee numerous times each, Gossip Girl and 90210 clog up my DVR, and now that the hubs gifted the household with Netflix instant, my queue is blasted with old episodes of Friday Night Lights and One Tree Hill. I cannot get enough.
But I have to admit, sometimes watching these shows gives me a tinge of the sadness and brings out my emo side. I can't quite put my finger on why.
Maybe it's the fact that they're overcoming all these obstacles and shining in basketball games or at state regionals. Maybe it's the young love fresh with all those giggles and "does he like me?"s that only new love comes with. Maybe it's the group of best friends that you get to see all day every day while at school.
When I was in high school, I was told "everyone says that high school is the best time of your life, but they're wrong; college is". Then in college I heard "everyone says college is the best times of your life but they're wrong; your twenties are". When I was in high school, I was pretty sure that the life I was living was the best it could be, my glory days if you will. I would later find out that the best was still yet to come, but seventeen year old me had no clue that was the case.
It's not a good thing usually when someone is described as "peaking in high school". It tends to mean that those were your best days, the ones you still want to be in and therefore usually forfeit some of your present by living in the past. And while I definitely wouldn't say that I "peaked" in high school, I do tend to think of them as my "glory days".
Let's face it; I'm never going to rock a soccer field again. Numerous knee injuries, a hip injury, and way too loose ankles have killed that. I'm probably never going to walk the halls of a building and have nine out of ten people know my name and say hi to me. I had that time. It was freaking awesome, but it's done.
I think it's normal to miss those feelings. To miss the high you get after scoring the winning goal or acing a Calculus test. To miss the butterflies you got when the most popular boy in school wants to take you out on a Friday night. To miss the camaraderie of a group of friends that spend every day together at school but then want to be together on the weekends too. I just don't think it's good to dwell on it so much that you miss out on what's right in front of you.
Personally, I can't wait for the day that BG is old enough to listen to some of my stories. When I can tell her that her Mom was a pretty darn good soccer player and people knew it. How when she tore her knee just a couple of games into the season and was out the rest of her senior year, the coaches and other players' parents knew our shot at the championship that year was over. How I dislocated my shoulder in a game, ran to the sideline and had the trainer pop it back in and was back in the game in less than five minutes. I'll tell her about being prom queen and how much fun my best friends and I had living in our small town. Oh yea.. she's going to have to hear the stories.
While I'm glad I didn't "peak" in high school and while I did go on to college and play soccer a few more years and had even more fun than high school, I still think high school might have been my "glory days".
But were they? Just for grins and giggles, I set out to Goog*le myself the other day. It took hours (I do have the most common maiden name on the planet) but eventually I found the old articles about my soccer games and academic achievements and all that. Know why it took so long? Because they were in the archives of the paper y'all. The freaking archives.
They don't really matter anymore. Let's be honest, if you see me walking down the street these days, you're never going to think, "Heck, she looks like an awesome athlete!" or "man she must be super smart!". My soccer stats and my GPA will never be on my tombstone. They just don't matter anymore.
So were those my glory days? Or are they now?
Are they in how I raise BG? Are they in how I share Christ with others? Is this my glory days?
While the past was a blast (ha), it is just that; the past. It doesn't matter anymore. Yes, it helped shape who I am today but at the same time, if you spend too much time looking back, you'll miss something these days. That is not what I want to happen.
I had a good time. I did what I did well and was proud of myself. I'm still proud of myself. At the time, they were my glory days. But now? this life? this raising my child and forming a family with Mr. P? this is my glory days. And I fully intend to rock these as well.
Friday, July 8, 2011
an odd one...
First of all, thank you guys so, so much for your comments on yesterday's post. I'm still working on email responses to most of you, but if you don't get one by tomorrow, check and make sure your blog is linked to an email address! It makes it so much easier to chat with other bloggers.
I've noticed I have a few new followers so I wanted to say hi and thanks so much for stopping by. Hopefully after today's post you'll still think I'm alright and come back! ;)
I feel like quirks and odd habits that people have make them so interesting. As I was driving to work today having my eight am dance party, I tried to think of some odd things that I did that others might findannoying odd. It took me about, oh, 30 seconds to come up with about 30. Apparently, I'm an odd one.
I hate being sick. Big time. Until BG came around, I was the whiniest, laziest sick person around. I HATE being sick. Unfortunately now, I can't lay around all day and beg for attention (but I still want to). However, I love getting over a cold, sore throat, allergies, etc. Know why? Because they leave this amazing scratchy voice behind that makes me sing like a super sexy rockstar. I. Love. It. The concerts happening in my car after a sickness? Amazeballs.
I tend to get really possessive over bands I "discovered". There are bands (singers) that I've loved for years who have recently gone a bit more "mainstream". Suddenly everyone is all "I love ....!!" and I'm all "Pssh... I've known about them for years". I've done it most recently over Jason Mraz, Train, O.A.R., and even Steven Tyler (this popularity of his without Aerosmith KILLS me).
*PS: OAR: I'm still mad at y'all for selling out on your type of music to go mainstream!
I cut my own hair. All the time. My bff is a hairdresser and gets furious with me. I'll get bored waiting for a time she can cut my hair and I'll just pull it over my shoulders and cut it off with kitchen shears. I should stop that. It's ruining my hair.
I am obsessed with noses. Possibly because I couldn't stand mine growing up and used to put clothespins on it to make it smaller or because it's crooked from cracking it too many times, but I'm obsessed. I have a hard time making eye contact with people because I can't quit staring at their noses. I look at BG at least once a day and pray she has a normal nose. I'm a freak. I can't help it.
I cannot handle my food touching. If I thought it socially acceptable to eat off divided plates like the little one does, I would do it. The hubs will mix all of his food together and I want to gag. I actually just did thinking about it.
I cannot stand the smell of puppy breath. Cannot stand it. It smells like dead stuff to me. Everyone always thinks puppies are adorable and are like "smell that sweet puppy breath!" and I want to gag. So disgusting.
I have a horrible gag reflex.
The word gag sounds really odd the more you say it.
I cannot sleep with pants on. One time I did and a pants leg got really tight on my leg in my sleep and I woke up swinging swearing someone was pulling me out of the bed. No more pants for this girl. Ever.
I hate jumping in in the middle of things; ie: blogs, Twitter, books, movies. I will not look ahead in a book or even read a book if I know the end. If I find a new blog to read, I have to go back and look at some of the archived posts so I can get a "feel" for the person. My Twitter timeline will be the death of me because it goes so fast and I feel like I have to read every post but I can't and it gives me horrible anxiety (once again, freak). I won't watch a movie if I've even missed five minutes. Nope. I have to do something start to finish.
I'm actually starting to weird myself out, so I'm calling it quits on this. What are some quirks you have?
I've noticed I have a few new followers so I wanted to say hi and thanks so much for stopping by. Hopefully after today's post you'll still think I'm alright and come back! ;)
I feel like quirks and odd habits that people have make them so interesting. As I was driving to work today having my eight am dance party, I tried to think of some odd things that I did that others might find
I hate being sick. Big time. Until BG came around, I was the whiniest, laziest sick person around. I HATE being sick. Unfortunately now, I can't lay around all day and beg for attention (but I still want to). However, I love getting over a cold, sore throat, allergies, etc. Know why? Because they leave this amazing scratchy voice behind that makes me sing like a super sexy rockstar. I. Love. It. The concerts happening in my car after a sickness? Amazeballs.
I tend to get really possessive over bands I "discovered". There are bands (singers) that I've loved for years who have recently gone a bit more "mainstream". Suddenly everyone is all "I love ....!!" and I'm all "Pssh... I've known about them for years". I've done it most recently over Jason Mraz, Train, O.A.R., and even Steven Tyler (this popularity of his without Aerosmith KILLS me).
*PS: OAR: I'm still mad at y'all for selling out on your type of music to go mainstream!
I cut my own hair. All the time. My bff is a hairdresser and gets furious with me. I'll get bored waiting for a time she can cut my hair and I'll just pull it over my shoulders and cut it off with kitchen shears. I should stop that. It's ruining my hair.
I am obsessed with noses. Possibly because I couldn't stand mine growing up and used to put clothespins on it to make it smaller or because it's crooked from cracking it too many times, but I'm obsessed. I have a hard time making eye contact with people because I can't quit staring at their noses. I look at BG at least once a day and pray she has a normal nose. I'm a freak. I can't help it.
I cannot handle my food touching. If I thought it socially acceptable to eat off divided plates like the little one does, I would do it. The hubs will mix all of his food together and I want to gag. I actually just did thinking about it.
I cannot stand the smell of puppy breath. Cannot stand it. It smells like dead stuff to me. Everyone always thinks puppies are adorable and are like "smell that sweet puppy breath!" and I want to gag. So disgusting.
I have a horrible gag reflex.
The word gag sounds really odd the more you say it.
I cannot sleep with pants on. One time I did and a pants leg got really tight on my leg in my sleep and I woke up swinging swearing someone was pulling me out of the bed. No more pants for this girl. Ever.
I hate jumping in in the middle of things; ie: blogs, Twitter, books, movies. I will not look ahead in a book or even read a book if I know the end. If I find a new blog to read, I have to go back and look at some of the archived posts so I can get a "feel" for the person. My Twitter timeline will be the death of me because it goes so fast and I feel like I have to read every post but I can't and it gives me horrible anxiety (once again, freak). I won't watch a movie if I've even missed five minutes. Nope. I have to do something start to finish.
I'm actually starting to weird myself out, so I'm calling it quits on this. What are some quirks you have?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
tidbits.
What's been going on in my head???
First of all, how did my font on here change? Odd.
I'm trying to put together a slideshow for BG's first birthday. It will be the death of me. Between the incessant sobbing as I put up pictures of my long ago newborn, or the tears over the songs I've picked, and the fact that it just doesn't want to all "jive" for me? I could possibly lose it. If anyone has any clue how to use Windows Movie Maker, please hit me up. I will seriously love you forever (in a non-stalker way of course).
I got BG's birthday outfits washed. She has a different outfit for each day of her birthday week. Yes, I know that's utterly ridiculous, but. I. Can't. Help. It. I need a support group.
I am getting to the overwhelmed part of the party planning. I need to be able to put things out and see how they look, but the party won't be here so I can't set up and it's killing me. I need to see it to see what needs to be done!!
I took the plunge and joined Weight Watchers (Sara quit laughing). So far the only thing I've noticed is that I'm starving. Not kidding. I eat a ton of fruit though because you can. Not so satisfying that fruit..
I just noticed that I'm blogging in the compose section and that I can do all kinds of neat things. Hmm.. How have I never noticed that??
My girl dog peed on my boy dog's head today. I don't know why they want me to get rid of them. And if they don't, why are they pulling every trick in the book to get me to do so?!
In the last couple of weeks, BG has started turning the pages of her book for me. At night, I'll get the page ready to turn in our book and she turns it the rest of the way. It is pretty darn cute. And makes her seem even more grown. Stop. It.
At night, I like to sneak in her room and pick her up and hold her. She rarely lets me hold her during the day, so I love that time. Then last night she wouldn't go back to sleep after I set her back down. Do I dare go in there tonight?
The other night, I was bathing the kiddo when she stood up, squatted, peed, and then burst out laughing. Am I raising a little lady or a frat boy?? She did the same thing to her Dad tonight. I don't get it.
My camera broke. The week before BG's party. Super fun right? I'm a mess. She did so many adorable things today and all I had for documentation was the Droid. Thank goodness for grainy cell phone pictures. That's not going to cut it next week though...
I'm really tired. Maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight?
First of all, how did my font on here change? Odd.
I'm trying to put together a slideshow for BG's first birthday. It will be the death of me. Between the incessant sobbing as I put up pictures of my long ago newborn, or the tears over the songs I've picked, and the fact that it just doesn't want to all "jive" for me? I could possibly lose it. If anyone has any clue how to use Windows Movie Maker, please hit me up. I will seriously love you forever (in a non-stalker way of course).
I got BG's birthday outfits washed. She has a different outfit for each day of her birthday week. Yes, I know that's utterly ridiculous, but. I. Can't. Help. It. I need a support group.
I am getting to the overwhelmed part of the party planning. I need to be able to put things out and see how they look, but the party won't be here so I can't set up and it's killing me. I need to see it to see what needs to be done!!
I took the plunge and joined Weight Watchers (Sara quit laughing). So far the only thing I've noticed is that I'm starving. Not kidding. I eat a ton of fruit though because you can. Not so satisfying that fruit..
I just noticed that I'm blogging in the compose section and that I can do all kinds of neat things. Hmm.. How have I never noticed that??
My girl dog peed on my boy dog's head today. I don't know why they want me to get rid of them. And if they don't, why are they pulling every trick in the book to get me to do so?!
In the last couple of weeks, BG has started turning the pages of her book for me. At night, I'll get the page ready to turn in our book and she turns it the rest of the way. It is pretty darn cute. And makes her seem even more grown. Stop. It.
At night, I like to sneak in her room and pick her up and hold her. She rarely lets me hold her during the day, so I love that time. Then last night she wouldn't go back to sleep after I set her back down. Do I dare go in there tonight?
The other night, I was bathing the kiddo when she stood up, squatted, peed, and then burst out laughing. Am I raising a little lady or a frat boy?? She did the same thing to her Dad tonight. I don't get it.
My camera broke. The week before BG's party. Super fun right? I'm a mess. She did so many adorable things today and all I had for documentation was the Droid. Thank goodness for grainy cell phone pictures. That's not going to cut it next week though...
I'm really tired. Maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
you tell me..
I hear, oh, daily, how my husband got a "twin" with BG.
Seriously, daily.
So I thought I'd let y'all be the judge... Are they right?
Mama and BG
Daddy and BG
I guess I can always hope the next one might look a bit like me?!?
At least he makes a pretty girl ;)
Seriously, daily.
So I thought I'd let y'all be the judge... Are they right?
Mama and BG
Daddy and BG
I guess I can always hope the next one might look a bit like me?!?
At least he makes a pretty girl ;)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
me: 10 months post-partum
I do multiple updates a day week on Baby Girl, but I don't really update too much on where I am since becoming a mother almost eleven months ago. Since once upon a time, this used to be a blog about an adult girl and not a baby girl, I thought I'd give you an update on me.
First of all, the physical.
I am back to pre-pregnancy weight. Finally. Don't think I look the same, because I most definitely don't, but I weigh the same. My hips are wider, parts ride lower (ahem..), and I'm softer, but I'm working on all of that.
I've been getting out and doing some running, but I had to relax on myself with the working out thing. I'm not going to be able to work out every day. Not with the schedule Mr. P works and having BG all the time, but I make it work. Most days, I run with the little. Occasionally I get to go run by myself and I freaking love it. Running is still my release. It's important that I make that time.
Now for the emotional. Let's get all Dr. Phil for a bit.
This is going to sound so obvious, but it blew my mind and sometimes still does how much I love my daughter. She is the light of my life. I look at her everyday and my heart nearly bursts with love for her. She's more than I could ever deserve.
I'm tougher than I even realized. I survived a month of no sleep. I survived a baby that wanted to eat 27/7. I survived a baby that cried the entire first month of her life almost. I survived 45 hours of labor and the residual effects of that. It dang near killed me, but I survived.
I miss some of the little things from pre-baby. I miss going out with friends on a whim, or going to grab a late dinner with the hubs (we eat at five thirty now people. With the seniors). I really miss sleeping in or spending a whole entire day laying on the couch.
I miss being "carefree". My thoughts are constantly on her. Every action I take, I worry about how it will affect her. Every night out, I have in the back of my mind a running worry of how she's doing and how I miss her. I can't turn that off. I'm someone's Mom now. I will never be number one again.
I still love watching tv, surfing the internet, playing with my dogs, sports, running, a cold beer, and shopping. Although all are done in great moderation now.
I have very little patience now. I tend to get ran over by people because I can be too nice and put up with too much. Not anymore. My time away from Baby Girl is too precious to spend it with people who don't make me the priority that I make them.
In the same respect, I've realized that those true friends that I do have, I want to keep around. That actually takes quite a bit of effort seeing as how most of us have jobs, kids, husbands, etc. But it's worth it. I love a phone chat or a night out with my girls. I still loves a night spent talking about clothes, work, and things we liked before we were Moms.
I've had a hard time staying "me" and not becoming absorbed in "Mom". Not going to lie. It's hard to make sure that I still get "me time", the hubs still gets his time, and Baby Girl gets her. I still don't quite have that figured out, but I'm getting there. I'm also remembering that before her, I was a pretty awesome person. I refuse to let that girl disappear. That's harder than I thought it would be..
Most importantly, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I'm more content than ever. I am one hundred percent positive that what I'm doing right now, being Baby Girl's mom, is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. She's amazing. Life with her, is beyond words. I am so, so happy right where I am.
I am more in love with Mr. Perfect than ever. Parenthood is freaking hard. Becoming parents was hard enough, but becoming a Mom and Dad has been ridiculous. We have fought, bickered, cried, and made up more times than I count in the last 10 1/2 months. But at the same time, I would not want to be sharing this moment in time with anyone else. He is the best Dad. It melts my heart to see Baby Girl light up when he walks in the room. Seeing how much he loves her, makes me love him that much more.
In a nutshell, I am doing excellent. I think I'm managing pretty well. I've got an amazing kid. She sleeps well, plays hard, eats like a champ, and laughs 98% of the time. She's happy and well cared for. So is Mama. ;) Life ten months post partum, is pretty awesome.
First of all, the physical.
I am back to pre-pregnancy weight. Finally. Don't think I look the same, because I most definitely don't, but I weigh the same. My hips are wider, parts ride lower (ahem..), and I'm softer, but I'm working on all of that.
I've been getting out and doing some running, but I had to relax on myself with the working out thing. I'm not going to be able to work out every day. Not with the schedule Mr. P works and having BG all the time, but I make it work. Most days, I run with the little. Occasionally I get to go run by myself and I freaking love it. Running is still my release. It's important that I make that time.
Now for the emotional. Let's get all Dr. Phil for a bit.
In a nutshell, I am doing excellent. I think I'm managing pretty well. I've got an amazing kid. She sleeps well, plays hard, eats like a champ, and laughs 98% of the time. She's happy and well cared for. So is Mama. ;) Life ten months post partum, is pretty awesome.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
pasture vs. palace
This morning, Baby Girl and I managed to make it to our second service at one of the churches we've tried here in town. When we were there a couple of weeks ago, both Mr. Perfect and I both were very impressed with the praise and worship as well as the preaching. That Sunday, they were working through a study on David and this morning, I got to hear the final sermon of the study.
Something the preacher said this morning really stuck with me. He was talking about how if we can't praise God while we're in the "pasture" then we'll never get to the "palace". Let me see if I can break it down.
David spent many, many years as a young boy tending sheep before he ever became king. The whole entire time, he praised God. He wasn't dreaming of better things, he was praising in the time and circumstance he was currently in.
How many of us are guilty of always looking forward? We think, if we work this job we hate now, it will bring us riches in the future. Or we look at our neighbor who drives a better car, lives in a better house, or has better clothes and we long for our days when that will be us.
I personally know I am guilty of all of the above.
I've talked in depth with close friends about how I feel like right now, my little family has taken a step backwards. Meaning this; we got knocked out of our comfort zone when Mr. P lost his job last year. Big time. Fortunately he found a job very quickly, but now? We're in a new place, I left a great job (and currently don't have one at all), and sometimes it feels like we're sinking.
But is this our pasture?
Things worked out very, very quickly to get us to where we are right now. Doors not only opened, they flew open. I find it no coincidence that we are here right now. Maybe this is our time to just sit and be and try to figure out what God has in store for us next. This is our pasture. Our time of just praising God and doing what we need to to get by.
Let me break it down even more. Let's take them out of the picture and just talk about me.
Like I said, I left a great job to come up here. It made me crazy, but I was doing what I loved. Now I'm at home with Baby Girl everyday. It wears on me. Not going to lie. I have looked for work up here. I don't want to work all the time because my time with her is too precious, but I would like something just a couple of days a week.
But that hasn't happened. I literally have had not one lead. And it's hard. I've never looked this long for a job in my life. But something hit me while I was listening this morning.
This time that I currently have with my little girl is precious. I will never ever get this back.
Maybe the reason I haven't found something is that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Figuring out how to live smaller and relishing every single second with my adorable little angel.
Things aren't as easy as they once were. It's hard being in a tiny apartment when we're used to our own house. However, these are some amazing days we're having. We laugh so, so much. BG is becoming a little girl in these walls.
This might be our pasture. But as long as we stay strong in our faith, as long as we do all this with each other, well, our palace will be amazing. In due time. Right now? I am loving where we are.
Something the preacher said this morning really stuck with me. He was talking about how if we can't praise God while we're in the "pasture" then we'll never get to the "palace". Let me see if I can break it down.
David spent many, many years as a young boy tending sheep before he ever became king. The whole entire time, he praised God. He wasn't dreaming of better things, he was praising in the time and circumstance he was currently in.
How many of us are guilty of always looking forward? We think, if we work this job we hate now, it will bring us riches in the future. Or we look at our neighbor who drives a better car, lives in a better house, or has better clothes and we long for our days when that will be us.
I personally know I am guilty of all of the above.
I've talked in depth with close friends about how I feel like right now, my little family has taken a step backwards. Meaning this; we got knocked out of our comfort zone when Mr. P lost his job last year. Big time. Fortunately he found a job very quickly, but now? We're in a new place, I left a great job (and currently don't have one at all), and sometimes it feels like we're sinking.
But is this our pasture?
Things worked out very, very quickly to get us to where we are right now. Doors not only opened, they flew open. I find it no coincidence that we are here right now. Maybe this is our time to just sit and be and try to figure out what God has in store for us next. This is our pasture. Our time of just praising God and doing what we need to to get by.
Let me break it down even more. Let's take them out of the picture and just talk about me.
Like I said, I left a great job to come up here. It made me crazy, but I was doing what I loved. Now I'm at home with Baby Girl everyday. It wears on me. Not going to lie. I have looked for work up here. I don't want to work all the time because my time with her is too precious, but I would like something just a couple of days a week.
But that hasn't happened. I literally have had not one lead. And it's hard. I've never looked this long for a job in my life. But something hit me while I was listening this morning.
This time that I currently have with my little girl is precious. I will never ever get this back.
Maybe the reason I haven't found something is that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Figuring out how to live smaller and relishing every single second with my adorable little angel.
Things aren't as easy as they once were. It's hard being in a tiny apartment when we're used to our own house. However, these are some amazing days we're having. We laugh so, so much. BG is becoming a little girl in these walls.
This might be our pasture. But as long as we stay strong in our faith, as long as we do all this with each other, well, our palace will be amazing. In due time. Right now? I am loving where we are.
Monday, September 27, 2010
tag. i'm it.
So I got tagged. A lot. But since I'm drawing a blank on blogging material at le moment anyway, I'm answering all the questions. So thanks Jill, Bonnie, and Laura for tagging me!
*I feel like a brat, but someone else may tagged me and I can't find that post in my Reader! I have the questions though, so I'll answer them, but I'm sorry I don't know who tagged me!
1. Do you have any nicknames? inappropriate = acceptable.
- Ever since I can remember I've been called the Joker. Because my smile turns up at the end. Whatever. I can rock it. And (can't believe I'm putting this on the interwebs), when I was in middle school, this annoying boy cornered me on the bus and tried to kiss me. I wouldn't let him and told him. He asked me "Why? 'Cause you got dookie on your lips?". Lucky for me, my pal Paul was sitting right there and thought it was hysterical. Love a 7th grade boy. So for years, seriously, I was called Dookie Lips. And I was popular. Whatever. Paul still calls me that. I would kill him if he wasn't a professional football player that could squash me. Stupid boy.
And my Dad calls me Jamona. I think that's it..
2. What's the last book you read? (and would you recommend it?)
- Ugh, Your Baby's First Year: Week by Week. Yea. I've been mommyfied.
3. Martini. shaken or stirred?
- Stirred. Always. And with gin. Martinis are not made with vodka!!
4. If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
- Ireland. My family is from there and I just think it's gorgeous. I want to go hang with the big boys!
5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
- Is it bad that I have so many I'm having a hard time thinking of the biggest one?? I guess I would have to say bad drivers. I have road rage so bad it's ridiculous. Get out of the left lane people!
6. What is your favorite Disney animated movie? (i.e. Little Mermaid, Cinderella, etc.)
- The Fox and the Hound. Hands down. "I'm a hound dog. Roo, Roo." Gah. so cute!
7. What is your favorite little debbie?
- Chocolate chip cakes. I have been known to eat an entire box in one sitting. No shame.
8. Who is your hero?
- I don't have just one. I'd go with my parents and brother for serving their country so well and for putting their lives on the line. And I'll go with the hubs because he has literally saved my life. And I love him. =)
1. What was the last movie you watched?
- We watched "Funny People" the other day. Well, we didn't finish it because the kid woke up. We don't really have much movie time anymore!
2. What do you wish you spent less money on?
- food. We eat out way too much. Way. Too. Much.
3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
- Hopefully finally in a job that I love in our dream house with Mr. P, BG, and maybe on other addition.. =) I just want to always be as happy as I am now. (cheese...)
4. What's your favorite non-alcoholic beverage?
- coffee. I drink it like water. I love it.
5. Where was the last vacation you took?
- Vacation?! What's that??
6. You're sick at home. Ramen Noodles or Campbell's Soup?
- Ramen. Always.
7. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
- Cookies 'n cream. I'm actually not an ice-cream fan (gasp!), but I will kill some cookies 'n cream.
8. What's your favorite nail polish color to wear?
- the answer in which I prove one more time that I am not a girly girl... I don't do nail polish. If I manage to go somewhere and get my nails done, I usually just pick whatever color I like on the wall.
1. What clothing item is at the top of your wish list for Fall?
- OTK boots. I'm drooling for them..
2. How often do you get your hair cut/done?
- once again, not a girly girl. I'm rocking some serious roots right now and I only get my hair cut when I can convince AP to do it for free!
3. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
- Already answered this up top, but I would go to Ireland. Greece would be a close second.
4. What is your favorite clothing store?
- I don't have a favorite. I literally shop all over the place. Forever 21 is great for accessories, Gap is my go to for jeans, Old Navy is my go to for sweaters, Lands End for cardigans.. I could do this all day.
5. If you could get any spa treatment for free tomorrow, what would you have done?
- I just want a massage! I've never had one!
6. What is the best movie you have seen in the past year?
- no clue. I couldn't even tell you what movies I've seen this year!
7. If you could pick up and move to any place in the United States, where would you go?
- Charleston, SC. It's where I hope to one day end up.
8. What is your favorite season?
- Fall! I love the clothes, the football, the oyster roasts, the leaves changing (not where I live, but other places!).. I just love, love, LOVE fall.
1. Were you named after anyone? Where did you parents get your name?
- My middle name is my Mom's first name. My name my parents just liked.
2. What is your favorite cereal?
- Cheerios. I easily eat about three bowls a day. At least.
3. What is your most favorite thing about yourself?
- physically: my eyes. - emotionally/mentally: I have the ability to "not care". I tend to stay pretty true to myself ignoring what others are into, doing, etc. I just kind of go with the flow.
4. Scary movies or happy endings?
- scary movies. Love, love, love them. And happy endings are cheesy.. =)
5. Do you like pets? Have you any?
- I think I like the idea of pets more than actually having them.. I know that sounds weird but mine are making me crazy right now. I have three dogs and a cat; Duke, Lacy, Cash, and Ace. They've been displaced as the "kids" in the house and they do NOT like that. Oh well.
6. Have you ever met a famous person?
- I met Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck at the store I worked at in college. They were in there shopping. He's awesome, she was tiny. I've met Dan Quayle (does he count?). And Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were in the same hospital I was in December of 2004. I was having surgery and she had something happen when she was pregnant. We were on the same hall, but I missed them. Dang it!
7. Share with us two truths and one lie about yourself.
- Hmm... truths; I am very, very sarcastic. Probably too much so. And I laugh. A lot. I spend a good portion of the day laughing at myself, other people (oops), or whatever. I'd rather be laughing than anything else!
And a lie.. I kind of don't get this.. Sometimes I pretend that I'm interested in beauty tips and all that jazz, but honestly? I could care less. I wish I cared more!
8. What would your dream house be like?
- It would have a wrap-around porch, dark hard wood floors throughout, white wood outside, waterfront, clawfoot tubs in the bathrooms, arched doorways.. Clearly I've never thought about this!
Thanks for the tags ladies! Sorry it took me so long to do this! I'm sure everyone has done this by now, but if you haven't, grab 8 questions off here and do them. Then let me know you did so I can come see your answers!
*I feel like a brat, but someone else may tagged me and I can't find that post in my Reader! I have the questions though, so I'll answer them, but I'm sorry I don't know who tagged me!
1. Do you have any nicknames? inappropriate = acceptable.
- Ever since I can remember I've been called the Joker. Because my smile turns up at the end. Whatever. I can rock it. And (can't believe I'm putting this on the interwebs), when I was in middle school, this annoying boy cornered me on the bus and tried to kiss me. I wouldn't let him and told him. He asked me "Why? 'Cause you got dookie on your lips?". Lucky for me, my pal Paul was sitting right there and thought it was hysterical. Love a 7th grade boy. So for years, seriously, I was called Dookie Lips. And I was popular. Whatever. Paul still calls me that. I would kill him if he wasn't a professional football player that could squash me. Stupid boy.
And my Dad calls me Jamona. I think that's it..
2. What's the last book you read? (and would you recommend it?)
- Ugh, Your Baby's First Year: Week by Week. Yea. I've been mommyfied.
3. Martini. shaken or stirred?
- Stirred. Always. And with gin. Martinis are not made with vodka!!
4. If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
- Ireland. My family is from there and I just think it's gorgeous. I want to go hang with the big boys!
5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
- Is it bad that I have so many I'm having a hard time thinking of the biggest one?? I guess I would have to say bad drivers. I have road rage so bad it's ridiculous. Get out of the left lane people!
6. What is your favorite Disney animated movie? (i.e. Little Mermaid, Cinderella, etc.)
- The Fox and the Hound. Hands down. "I'm a hound dog. Roo, Roo." Gah. so cute!
7. What is your favorite little debbie?
- Chocolate chip cakes. I have been known to eat an entire box in one sitting. No shame.
8. Who is your hero?
- I don't have just one. I'd go with my parents and brother for serving their country so well and for putting their lives on the line. And I'll go with the hubs because he has literally saved my life. And I love him. =)
1. What was the last movie you watched?
- We watched "Funny People" the other day. Well, we didn't finish it because the kid woke up. We don't really have much movie time anymore!
2. What do you wish you spent less money on?
- food. We eat out way too much. Way. Too. Much.
3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
- Hopefully finally in a job that I love in our dream house with Mr. P, BG, and maybe on other addition.. =) I just want to always be as happy as I am now. (cheese...)
4. What's your favorite non-alcoholic beverage?
- coffee. I drink it like water. I love it.
5. Where was the last vacation you took?
- Vacation?! What's that??
6. You're sick at home. Ramen Noodles or Campbell's Soup?
- Ramen. Always.
7. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
- Cookies 'n cream. I'm actually not an ice-cream fan (gasp!), but I will kill some cookies 'n cream.
8. What's your favorite nail polish color to wear?
- the answer in which I prove one more time that I am not a girly girl... I don't do nail polish. If I manage to go somewhere and get my nails done, I usually just pick whatever color I like on the wall.
1. What clothing item is at the top of your wish list for Fall?
- OTK boots. I'm drooling for them..
2. How often do you get your hair cut/done?
- once again, not a girly girl. I'm rocking some serious roots right now and I only get my hair cut when I can convince AP to do it for free!
3. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
- Already answered this up top, but I would go to Ireland. Greece would be a close second.
4. What is your favorite clothing store?
- I don't have a favorite. I literally shop all over the place. Forever 21 is great for accessories, Gap is my go to for jeans, Old Navy is my go to for sweaters, Lands End for cardigans.. I could do this all day.
5. If you could get any spa treatment for free tomorrow, what would you have done?
- I just want a massage! I've never had one!
6. What is the best movie you have seen in the past year?
- no clue. I couldn't even tell you what movies I've seen this year!
7. If you could pick up and move to any place in the United States, where would you go?
- Charleston, SC. It's where I hope to one day end up.
8. What is your favorite season?
- Fall! I love the clothes, the football, the oyster roasts, the leaves changing (not where I live, but other places!).. I just love, love, LOVE fall.
1. Were you named after anyone? Where did you parents get your name?
- My middle name is my Mom's first name. My name my parents just liked.
2. What is your favorite cereal?
- Cheerios. I easily eat about three bowls a day. At least.
3. What is your most favorite thing about yourself?
- physically: my eyes. - emotionally/mentally: I have the ability to "not care". I tend to stay pretty true to myself ignoring what others are into, doing, etc. I just kind of go with the flow.
4. Scary movies or happy endings?
- scary movies. Love, love, love them. And happy endings are cheesy.. =)
5. Do you like pets? Have you any?
- I think I like the idea of pets more than actually having them.. I know that sounds weird but mine are making me crazy right now. I have three dogs and a cat; Duke, Lacy, Cash, and Ace. They've been displaced as the "kids" in the house and they do NOT like that. Oh well.
6. Have you ever met a famous person?
- I met Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck at the store I worked at in college. They were in there shopping. He's awesome, she was tiny. I've met Dan Quayle (does he count?). And Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were in the same hospital I was in December of 2004. I was having surgery and she had something happen when she was pregnant. We were on the same hall, but I missed them. Dang it!
7. Share with us two truths and one lie about yourself.
- Hmm... truths; I am very, very sarcastic. Probably too much so. And I laugh. A lot. I spend a good portion of the day laughing at myself, other people (oops), or whatever. I'd rather be laughing than anything else!
And a lie.. I kind of don't get this.. Sometimes I pretend that I'm interested in beauty tips and all that jazz, but honestly? I could care less. I wish I cared more!
8. What would your dream house be like?
- It would have a wrap-around porch, dark hard wood floors throughout, white wood outside, waterfront, clawfoot tubs in the bathrooms, arched doorways.. Clearly I've never thought about this!
Thanks for the tags ladies! Sorry it took me so long to do this! I'm sure everyone has done this by now, but if you haven't, grab 8 questions off here and do them. Then let me know you did so I can come see your answers!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
me likey.
I can't even begin to describe how excited I am for fall.
Maybe it's the fact that I've carried ten extra pounds around on my belly as well as seventeen extra pounds on my arm, that made me so daggum hot this year, but I've been freaking miserable. And I'm over it.
I find the older I get and the more my body changes and I lose the desire to run around in a bikini all summer, the more I loathe the hot weather.
Hate, hate, hate it.
I'm tired of being sweaty, smelly, and ga-ross.
I'm just ready for fall.
Fall brings about so many goodies, but I have to say my favorite part, well one of them, is the fact that my day of birth falls in just a few short days.
And this year, I've got a fierce case of the "I wants".
1)Bumbleride Indie
I've spoken of my desire to own this before, but I have yet to acquire it. Baby Girl and I both think Mama needs this big time!
2)a good pair of boots
This pair in brown would be heavenly. I am dying to have a good pair of boots. Problem; I apparently have elephantitis of the calf. Meaning, I can't get boots over my honkers. Boo. I want boots!
3) a new pair of running shoes. Ties in with numero uno. And that 10 pounds on my belly.
4) some new clothes. I have nothing that fits. But being as how I don't want to stay at this size for long, I just want some cardigans and scarves and such to play up the shirts I have now. Gift cards are acceptable!
5) a "me" day.
I love my child more than life, but I need a day to go take care of me. Mani/pedi, time with a good book, maybe a massage.. le sigh.. I just need to feel like a woman again!
I can't believe I'll be twenty eight in ten days. Where did the year go?!?
Maybe it's the fact that I've carried ten extra pounds around on my belly as well as seventeen extra pounds on my arm, that made me so daggum hot this year, but I've been freaking miserable. And I'm over it.
I find the older I get and the more my body changes and I lose the desire to run around in a bikini all summer, the more I loathe the hot weather.
Hate, hate, hate it.
I'm tired of being sweaty, smelly, and ga-ross.
I'm just ready for fall.
Fall brings about so many goodies, but I have to say my favorite part, well one of them, is the fact that my day of birth falls in just a few short days.
And this year, I've got a fierce case of the "I wants".
1)Bumbleride Indie
I've spoken of my desire to own this before, but I have yet to acquire it. Baby Girl and I both think Mama needs this big time!
2)a good pair of boots
This pair in brown would be heavenly. I am dying to have a good pair of boots. Problem; I apparently have elephantitis of the calf. Meaning, I can't get boots over my honkers. Boo. I want boots!
3) a new pair of running shoes. Ties in with numero uno. And that 10 pounds on my belly.
4) some new clothes. I have nothing that fits. But being as how I don't want to stay at this size for long, I just want some cardigans and scarves and such to play up the shirts I have now. Gift cards are acceptable!
5) a "me" day.
I love my child more than life, but I need a day to go take care of me. Mani/pedi, time with a good book, maybe a massage.. le sigh.. I just need to feel like a woman again!
I can't believe I'll be twenty eight in ten days. Where did the year go?!?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
a bit of self-examination.
I am not a patient person. I know this about myself and I'm ok with it. I get really, really cranky when I'm tired and can literally feel myself hit a "snapping" point. I can point out the minute I'm about to "freak out". I try to walk away before I say something I will later regret. I don't like change. At all. I am ridiculously OCD. If you use the same spoon to dip out mayonnaise that you just used in the mustard, it will bother me. For days. I will have to throw away the mayo. I like my space and I like things in my space done my way. Sometimes I feel like I'm an 80 year old man, cranky and set in my ways, but I can't help it.
I hate seeing Mr. Perfect in pain, but this week has made me stretch myself in ways I never imagined and learn some things about myself. I've gotten up every 3 hours since Friday to take care of him. Apparently last night I started sleeping through my alarm and Mr. Perfect was having to do stuff on his own. I got really upset. Did I mention I'm also not good at feeling like I've failed at something? Like taking care of those around me.
I get very scared of how I'm going to handle things come April when my life takes on a humongous change. But then I realize I did it this week, with no help, and I've survived (well almost, he still hasn't been cleared to do anything). In April I'll at least have help and now I know, I CAN do this. It's going to be hard and I'm going to have many mental breakdowns, but I will do this and I will do this well.
It's medication time. I'll see you guys on the flip side. I promise to be cheerier next week. =)
I hate seeing Mr. Perfect in pain, but this week has made me stretch myself in ways I never imagined and learn some things about myself. I've gotten up every 3 hours since Friday to take care of him. Apparently last night I started sleeping through my alarm and Mr. Perfect was having to do stuff on his own. I got really upset. Did I mention I'm also not good at feeling like I've failed at something? Like taking care of those around me.
I get very scared of how I'm going to handle things come April when my life takes on a humongous change. But then I realize I did it this week, with no help, and I've survived (well almost, he still hasn't been cleared to do anything). In April I'll at least have help and now I know, I CAN do this. It's going to be hard and I'm going to have many mental breakdowns, but I will do this and I will do this well.
It's medication time. I'll see you guys on the flip side. I promise to be cheerier next week. =)
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