Thursday, April 3, 2014

four.

And just like that, my girl is four.
I wish there was a way to put into words exactly what I feel when I look at her. What I feel when I think about her. Just how much I stinking love her. We have this little game we play where I say "Ella, come here I need to tell you a secret" to which she yells out "I LOVE YOU!!" and then bursts into laughter. Yes, she knows my next line because I tell her that 100 times a day. Yet it's not enough. It doesn't even begin to describe how much I truly do love her.

Which I know she'll never get. Well, not until she has a kid of her own because no one could explain it to me. It's just the way it is. It's this crazy, all consuming love and pride for this little person that I get the joy of watching grow and change every single day. It's just the best.

So who are you at four Baby Girl? What do you like:

Favorite Color: purple

Favorite Food: sandwiches (me too girl, me too)

Favorite Movie: Frozen (shocker)

Favorite Book: Go Dog Go

Favorite Thing To Wear: flip flops and dresses

Favorite Toy: Oliver (the big dog)

Best Friend: Kathryn, Zoie, Livingston

Favorite Song: Let It Go (shocker again)

Favorite Drink: lemonade

You have a laugh that is infectious. You have an absolute joy for life that is something I hope never decreases in you. You love learning and going to school. You also thoroughly enjoy church and look forward to going each week. You have a mind like a sponge and come out of school and church every week reciting something new you learned. And you never forget. We can ask you something from months ago and you'll remember it like it happened yesterday. This is both good and bad as you never forget anything we say either. We can't get anything past you.

You are extremely active. You move all day everyday and you don't nap, so there is no refresher in the middle of the day. You are up and moving from 7:30 am until you pass out at night. Your parents stay exhausted. You? not so much.


You have the biggest heart. You love people so much. Sometimes you take it too heart a bit too much when you and your little friends argue at school. Which makes me go all Mama bear but I know is just one of those life lessons. You genuinely care about people. You will always try to befriend others at the park and you don't like it when someone is left out. You have the best heart.

You also enjoy animals. A lot. You love ours and we have to stop you daily from petting random ones on the street.

You are a bit sarcastic and have a bit of an attitude which we are working to tame. But I was the same way and it hasn't gone away so... We pray daily on patience with you. Your quick wit, intelligence, and sarcasm are sometimes quite the naughty trifecta and end you up in hot water. You are funny, but sometimes it needs to be reigned in.
You are so funny girl. And you know it.You make jokes and say the silliest things and you love getting a rise out of people. You will be class clown for sure. No denying that. You know how to work a crowd and though you may be shy in certain surroundings at first, that doesn't last long and in no time you are dancing and hugging and smiling your way through the crowd.

You thrive on people. You LOVE your people. You've adopted some amazing "family" through your friends you've made and through your Dad and my friends. You never meet a stranger and are the girl in the grocery store waving at everyone you pass. You were made to be a social butterfly and you definitely are.

Baby Girl you'll never know how much we love you and how proud we are of who you are becoming. From that tight lipped little smile to the way you bust into "shake your booty" complete with dance moves, you keep us on our toes and keep us laughing at all times. Days can be hard with you but they are also oh so amazing. They broke the mold after you little one. You are our special little nugget. We love you more than the world.

Mama & Dada

Thursday, March 13, 2014

these days...

Life is kinda sorta completely insane right now.

At the end of most days, I am completely spent and find myself collapsing on the couch just staring into space as I try to figure out what exactly just happened the past 12 hours.

It's busy.

In a weird way though, I find that I thrive a bit in the chaos. I'm somehow able to get more stuff done, keep the house a bit tidier, and even parent better when I'm so busy I can't slack off. Funny how that works.

So what's going on...

BG is every bit of an almost four year old. She is sassy and funny and so dang smart. She rolls her eyes a bit more and sasses a lot more, but other than that, things with her get a bit easier every day that she's closer to four. One of my best friends and I were talking the other day and she was venting her frustration with the newly three stage and I had to laugh because we were just there and it's already so much better.

Saying that will come back to bite me next week. Just watch.

My job is straight up cra cra right now. We just opened a new office at the beach which had me down there at the beginning of the week. BG was thrilled with that though since she got to spend three days with her Aunt and Uncle and cousin. Let's pretend she was eager to come home with me okay?! ;)

As for everything else, well, things are in a bit of a holding pattern as we try to figure out what happens next. There is just so much happening that we are currently just holding on tight and praying for guidance. That's pretty much all we can do right now.

I wonder sometimes why this blog has fallen by the wayside and why so many of my faves post so much less right now. In my case, I think it's because we've hit a groove. There are far less questions on what to do with this kiddo day to day. I'm starting to figure her out (a little, not a lot!). We've got a schedule and a routine and it's good.

I said that and she just threw a doll over the balcony. That's new. Fun.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

it's in your head..

My friend Becca wrote a post the other day that really hit home with me. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest you do as she has such a way with words that you'll quickly find yourself nodding along in agreement with what she's stating.

Our church is also doing a series right now called "Crash the Chatterbox" which is dealing with, in a nutshell, hearing God's voice in our lives over all the others. Sometimes those voices are external, but usually, internal. And they aren't always nice.

They're the voices that tell you you're not thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, or just plain good enough. The ones that tell you that you don't parent "correctly" or that you're "getting it all wrong". Those last two? ones that have been beating me down lately.

This sermon series couldn't have come at a better time and as I read Becca's post last night, I teared up, because ohmygosh I am so there.

Forget all the other things that are beating me down right now, these days, mothering is beating me down. No, that's not true. It's not just being a mother. It's all the other things that come with it.

Three is a hard age y'all. Like super hard. While I absolutely adore my kid, there are times where I have considered just dipping out because I cannot handle one more second of the back talk. Of the outright defiance. Of the more than obvious favoritism of her father than her mother. And while I would never "dip out" (total expression), I find that those nasty little voices in my head get louder and louder the more frustrated I become. And these days, I'm pretty frustrated.

I struggle a lot with things in my past that constantly rear their ugly heads. They beat me down and too often when things get hard, I retreat. I back down. When E is acting out (again), I turn it onto me. She's not being a typical toddler, but instead she is straight out out to get me and then the dark takes over and I can hardly breathe.

In my head I play a game of 2 against 1 a lot. I put E and Mr. P together and they gang up on me. Which, if we're being honest, they do like to do, but I make it malicious and mean which it's so not. So I shut down. Because that's easier than feeling ganged up on any day.

Sunday the preacher made a statement that resonated with me. I didn't write it down so I can't quote it, but it basically went something like this; which voice are you going to let determine the direction of your life. And then he went further asking the question of what we are being kept from when listening to the wrong voices? What relationships are we missing out on or destroying because we are so in our own heads that we can't focus on what's outside?

Guilty.

I'm completely aware that my past and the relationships in my past are 99% of my dark voices. That the voice telling me to "give it up; you'll never be good at this Mom and wife thing" is definitely not His. And please don't think that I'm saying I'm leaving my family because I love my family, I'm just showing you my heart. That I struggle with not feeling good enough. In my head I make that into I don't have to put in the effort because it's all for naught; I will never be good at it.

See how bad that is?

Lately I'm taking E's three year oldness (disclaimer: she is a GOOD kid. She is kind and sweet and smart and oh so lovely. She's also 3 which as any parent to a toddler knows, is full of it's own highs and lows. This post is about my perception not her actual behavior.) and making it personal. I'm making her tantrums into an act of terrorism against me. See how messed up that is?

It's just a tough transition. I've never mothered a toddler. I have no clue what I'm doing and sometimes I forget that that is okay because no one does. Moms of four are still thrown curveballs. I am so not alone.

The key is to just remember that I've been through tough before. A lot. And He has never left my side. He won't now either. So when I feel like E and I are battling it out in the trenches, I know that He's down there with us trying to talk us through it. It's my job to listen. And to tell the other voices to freaking chill. I know it's all in my head, it's just that sometimes it would be so nice to distance myself from that head a bit. Too bad it's attached...

Monday, February 17, 2014

because she's funny.

Saturday morning I drove down to attend the baby shower of one of my best friends, leaving Mr. P and the little to fend for themselves.

They managed to get up and get to ballet on time and since the morning was running so smooth, he figured he'd take her out for a quick lunch. So they're in the car driving and he tells her that they're going to grab lunch.

"Where?" she asked (girl knows her restaurants. We eat out way too much).

"How about Zaxby's?" always Mr. P's choice.

"I don't want Zaxby's Dada!! I want a sandwich from the sandwich shop!!" the little whined back.

So Mr. P proceeds to get on to her about whining and asks her if she'd like to rephrase her comment and try again.

Without a moments hesitation she fired back, "Zaxby's is closed".

They still went to Zaxby's. I couldn't stop laughing. Give us strength.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

the here and now.

Every single time I start to feel like maybe, just maybe, that we're starting to settle into a groove, something happens and the carpet is snatched out from under us. Time and time again.

I try to be a glass half full person. I try to see the good in everything. I try really, really hard to tell myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. But that girl is tired. Really, really tired.

It took us five years to have Ella. In that time we lost four pregnancies. I had multiple procedures and surgeries in order to have a successful pregnancy. It was exhausting. But in the end, it was worth it. However, many, many times I just wanted to sob "why?!". Why was it so easy for some to get pregnant and have a baby and why was it so dang hard for us??

When we finally had Ella, we were in a good place. We had a home. We had two good jobs. Our marriage was solid after the trials of the past few years. In a way, it was good that we had all that time to prepare for her. I felt like we were at a place where we would be able to give her the world. Where we would be able to easily provide everything she needed and quite a bit that she wanted. Things were good.

Then things changed. The job was gone. The house was gone. We moved hours away to a town where we knew nobody. We struggled a bit and it took us a while to find our feet but we eventually did.

We fell in love with that town. We made really good friends. We worked to build things back up in our accounts and life in general. Ella thrived in a school that she loved. She made her first real best friend. Life was good.

And then things changed. Again.

We found ourselves knocked back down a bit as we took what felt like another step backwards. As we licked our wounds and said goodbye to dear friends, E's school, a home we adored, a church we loved, and a town we loved. We packed everyone up and moved 3 hours east to pick ourselves back up again.

It took a while again. It took a good bit of struggle. I spent a lot of time battling feelings of jealousy as I watched young families around me seem to thrive while I felt like we were barely hanging on. I struggled with a lack of contentment as I wondered why we seemed to have so dang little and why that little seemed to constantly be taken from us.

After a while things got better. We ended up moving again six months ago into a situation that we should have stayed far, far away from. Hindsight is 20/20 though right? Now? Another huge change is upon us. Another devastating change. And I am flat out exhausted.

I feel like I'm constantly waiting for life to start. Which is crazy because I'm 31 years old. I feel like it should be settled by now. That we should be settled by now. And we are so far from that it's not even funny.

We had just started thinking of a second kid and now I feel like it's definitely not the right time. We had just started getting ahead and now... I am so tired.

I am mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I know that there's a "plan" here but I'm having a really hard time holding on to that hope. A really hard time keeping the faith. I am so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of worrying.

The here and now is exhausting. As it is far, far too often. I'm a bit tired of every road being so dang hard to travel.

So if you could spare a prayer, we could really use it. I don't even know if this makes sense. But there it is.

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