pasture vs. palace

This morning, Baby Girl and I managed to make it to our second service at one of the churches we've tried here in town. When we were there a couple of weeks ago, both Mr. Perfect and I both were very impressed with the praise and worship as well as the preaching. That Sunday, they were working through a study on David and this morning, I got to hear the final sermon of the study.

Something the preacher said this morning really stuck with me. He was talking about how if we can't praise God while we're in the "pasture" then we'll never get to the "palace". Let me see if I can break it down.

David spent many, many years as a young boy tending sheep before he ever became king. The whole entire time, he praised God. He wasn't dreaming of better things, he was praising in the time and circumstance he was currently in.

How many of us are guilty of always looking forward? We think, if we work this job we hate now, it will bring us riches in the future. Or we look at our neighbor who drives a better car, lives in a better house, or has better clothes and we long for our days when that will be us.

I personally know I am guilty of all of the above.

I've talked in depth with close friends about how I feel like right now, my little family has taken a step backwards. Meaning this; we got knocked out of our comfort zone when Mr. P lost his job last year. Big time. Fortunately he found a job very quickly, but now? We're in a new place, I left a great job (and currently don't have one at all), and sometimes it feels like we're sinking.

But is this our pasture?

Things worked out very, very quickly to get us to where we are right now. Doors not only opened, they flew open. I find it no coincidence that we are here right now. Maybe this is our time to just sit and be and try to figure out what God has in store for us next. This is our pasture. Our time of just praising God and doing what we need to to get by.

Let me break it down even more. Let's take them out of the picture and just talk about me.

Like I said, I left a great job to come up here. It made me crazy, but I was doing what I loved. Now I'm at home with Baby Girl everyday. It wears on me. Not going to lie. I have looked for work up here. I don't want to work all the time because my time with her is too precious, but I would like something just a couple of days a week.

But that hasn't happened. I literally have had not one lead. And it's hard. I've never looked this long for a job in my life. But something hit me while I was listening this morning.

This time that I currently have with my little girl is precious. I will never ever get this back.

Maybe the reason I haven't found something is that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Figuring out how to live smaller and relishing every single second with my adorable little angel.

Things aren't as easy as they once were. It's hard being in a tiny apartment when we're used to our own house. However, these are some amazing days we're having. We laugh so, so much. BG is becoming a little girl in these walls.

This might be our pasture. But as long as we stay strong in our faith, as long as we do all this with each other, well, our palace will be amazing. In due time. Right now? I am loving where we are.

reflections.

If someone had told me how I would feel about being a mother, I would have laughed in their face.

I didn't get it. I didn't get how I would totally be so in love with this little person. I didn't know how fierce I would be about protecting her.

I just didn't get it.

There's a lot that you are told about motherhood. Everyone is quick to wax poetic about how much you'll love the little one or "sleep when they sleep" yada yada yada. But there is so much more to this. So much.

If I could go back to April 3rd at about 11:55 am, I would whisper to that tired girl in that bed "Breathe in girl and relax. It's about to get real". My life changed forever one hour later. And it's never going to be the same.

I'm not going to lie. Some days I think about running off to a hotel for the night where I can just watch tv and sleep and just be all by myself. No husband, no baby, no dogs, no bottles to wash. Just sleep. As late as I want and as hard as I want. Some days she cries for no reason and I just look at her like "What the heck did I do to my life??". Some days she won't nap and I can't get anything done and I just want to pull my hair out.

There are definitely those days.

But... then she puts her hand on my face and looks at me with those big blue eyes and I melt. Or she falls asleep with her head nuzzled into my neck. Or she gets so excited and waves her hands madly when she sees me. And just like that, every tough time is forgotten.

I rock some pretty fierce circles under my eyes now. I'm still carrying a bit more weight on my 5'8 frame than I'm happy with. I can't buy a ton of new clothes that I'm aching to have.

But I honest to God don't care.

I'm a selfish person by nature. I know this about myself. I've gone through most of my life like a tornado. I've hurt people, said mean things, spent too much money, and generally been pretty thoughtless at times (not all the time- I swear there are some good sides of me!), but that's all changed.

Ok. So not all of it. I will still buy too many pairs of shoes and I will still squander my time and I will still say something really snarky occasionally, but hey. I'm working on it.

But I have changed.

She's changed me.

I spend no money without thinking of her first. I don't eat lunch out every day anymore because I know that five dollars can go to her. Every thought I have, every decision I make; she gets considered first.

Sometimes I look at that sweet face and wonder how on Earth anyone could ever hurt a child like her. It utterly baffles me. I get upset when I think people ignore her. The other night, she sat in a room smiling and giggling while people just talked around her and it broke my heart. She deserves the world.

And I know no one meant anything bad to her or meant to ignore her, but I am so defensive for her. I wish I could protect her for her whole life.

I'm still not a "kid" person by any means. I still like my kid's friends but I'm just not a kid person. But I adore her. She will forever be the best thing I've done in my life. She has made our family complete.

I know Mr. Perfect and I have always been happy. We've had a great marriage to this point and I love him with my whole heart. But I swear y'all, I didn't know it was possible to be this happy. She makes us laugh until we can't breathe. We just look at her and smile. I didn't know my heart could hold this kind of love.

So yea, my life has changed. Occasionally I think about "the good 'ol days" when I could wear expensive clothes, eat out every night, and go out with my girls at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I miss it. But the other 99.9% of the time... no way.

I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do in this life for work. I'm not sure where we're supposed to live and raise our girl. I'm still not sure if we'll ever expand our family more. What I do know is this; this life I have with her? This is what I was made to do. I was made to be this little girl's Mom. I was made to spend my life with her and Mr. Perfect.

And I couldn't be any happier about that.

Twenty four weeks post-partum, I am a completely different person. And I'm totally diggin' it.

honest.

Want to know a truth about me?

95% of the time, I am really as happy as I portray on my blog.

I have no complaints during those times. I'm enjoying my job, my marriage is all lovey dovey, and my child is perfect.

About 4% of the time, I'm bored or angry. Yes. I get fired up mad. It goes away quickly though and then I'm back in the 95th percentile.

I like it much better there.

Then there's the side of me that I try my best to hide. It's the side that comes out when I've spent too much time alone, or I'm really tired, or I'm hormonal.

It's when I get really discontent.

I've been struggling with this for a while now. I know most of this stems from the fact that I'm plain tired. I get irritable and cranky and just down right mean. There's no excuse.

At these times, I snap at Mr. Perfect, or quit talking to him, or blame him for things he's not even doing. I get mad that he's able to sleep through BG crying or that he didn't fold my clothes exactly like I wanted him too.

I start to hate my job. I withdraw from talking to coworkers and I pout through a lot of the day.

I get frustrated easily with the dogs. They bark too much and eat too much (I realize I am irrational).

I start to compare myself to others. They have more, they make more, they drive better cars.

I drive a two door car. It was an impulse buy two years ago and it's completely impractical. I am dying for a new car. It literally hurts to load BG into that car and I'm so over it.

I went car shopping on Saturday and came home empty handed. I couldn't stop crying.

Then on Sunday, our sermon was on God's gifts that He gives to us. How there is no bad gift. That combined with something Mr. Perfect said to me on Saturday as I stood in our driveway crying like a spoiled brat (wow, I'm writing a super flattering post tonite huh?!), really hit me like a ton of bricks.

Who am I to complain because I don't have designer clothes like so many others? Because I don't drive a brand new car? Because my child won't go to sleep at night because she'd rather be up with us?

There are so many people that are still waiting for their perfect match. That still have empty arms waiting for a child. That don't have a job and a roof over their head. That don't have a car.

What kind of brat am I that I think I should just have it all?

The thing is, the sin that I struggle with the most, is coveting what others have.

I'm fine with my job. If I see someone that makes more money, I want their job.

I'm fine with my clothes. Til I see people wearing a new outfit everyday.

You see where I'm going?

So sometimes, I have to smack myself and let reality sink in. I step away from the computer and focus on how blessed I am. And I am so blessed. I know this. I know I have an amazing husband, an incredible daughter, a nice home, a reliable car...

Sometimes I just need a swift kick in the head to remind me.

struggling.

Still trying to download pictures. To a picture fiend like me, my card not working is absolutely unacceptable.

But apparently it doesn't care.

I'm struggling right now y'all. Not going to lie.

I am absolutely exhausted. I mean, I realize I'm not exhausted, but I am pretty freakin' tired. And my child sleeps at night so I have no idea what I would do if she didn't.

My problem is my new schedule is killing me smalls. Flat killing me. I now get up each morning by 5.30. Every. single. morning.

Gone are the days of sleeping in, and while my babe is completely worth it, I am a sleepy creature! I would give up food for sleep and that's saying something. I lurve sleep. I would marry sleep and have it's babies. Of course if I had another baby I'd get less sleep, so maybe sleep and I should just get married and remain childless.

See. I'm delusional.

As I was saying (back on track girl, you can do it...), I'm up each morning at 5.30 am. I remember when I used to get home at 5.30. Those were the days... because then I slept til 2. That's pm.

I'm never going to get this story told.

I've found that I need to be showered and ready to start the day by the time Baby Girl gets up at six, so I get up at 5.30 and hit the shower and get dressed. At 6, she gets up and eats. By the time she finishes it's about 6.30. I get her changed and dressed and then she plays for a while while I pump. I've found that if I get up a few minutes earlier, I can pump before she even gets up so that she can have my full attention during play time. But then I miss 20 more minutes of sleep. I think about this sleep thing way too much... Then I finish getting ready while BG chills in the bouncy chair watching me.

On days that BG doesn't go to daycare and stays home with me (Tuesday & Sat) or the days we go in late to daycare (Monday), I put her back down for a nap about 7.15 and I crawl back into bed til she gets up again at 9. Those days are my best friends.

On the other days, I try to get her to daycare by 7.30 because I know she's ready for a nap by that point. I love my mornings with her though and sometimes drag them out too long sending her into a lack of sleep meltdown.

And then I hand her to the sitter. ;)

I kid.

Kind of.

Anyway. I get off at 5 or 5.30 and pick up BG if Mr. Perfect hasn't yet. When I get home, it's time to feed her and then all I want to do is play with her. Some where in there I throw in some dinner. Then she usually catnaps between 8 and 9 and I can get some housework done.

Some is not acceptable. I am a clean freak.

She eats last at 9 and then it's bedtime for her. She's in the bed by ten.

And I'm so tired I can't see straight. But there's so much still left to do; bottles need to be washed, diaper bag needs to be packed up, house needs tending to, dogs need some attention...

It never ends. And did you see me write work out in that time?

No. Because I cannot find the time. And I miss working out something fierce, but I cannot tear myself away from her at night because I haven't seen her all day.

I am out of hours in the day and I'm running on E. I think it's why I'm trying to get sick right now. I'm just burning the wick on both ends and it's not working.

My problem is a scheduling issue. I just cannot possibly get it all done. There is no way. Unfortunately God only gave me two hands and I need about six. And it's killing me to not get it all done. I feel like so much in my life is being let down right now.

I rush out of work at five now and I feel like I'm letting my co-workers down because I refuse to stay late. I miss my kid. My poor dogs haven't been on a run in forever. I feel like I'm letting them down. I have almost no time to just sit down and watch a movie with Mr. Perfect or just sit and talk to him and that's hurting us. I feel so disconnected right now. I have no time to go running and I miss it. Big time. I feel so much better about myself when I'm running and I just plain feel better. Plus, while I'm a huge fan of muffins, I'm not feeling the one that is currently residing on my waistline. Ga-ross.

Everything will be fine. I get that. It's just this transition is wearing me down. And it's making me angry at those around me. Not cool devil man. Leave this girl alone.

Just needed to vent. Now I'm going to take a nap at the office over lunch. Judge away. I'm too tired to care!

a bit of self-examination.

I am not a patient person. I know this about myself and I'm ok with it. I get really, really cranky when I'm tired and can literally feel myself hit a "snapping" point. I can point out the minute I'm about to "freak out". I try to walk away before I say something I will later regret. I don't like change. At all. I am ridiculously OCD. If you use the same spoon to dip out mayonnaise that you just used in the mustard, it will bother me. For days. I will have to throw away the mayo. I like my space and I like things in my space done my way. Sometimes I feel like I'm an 80 year old man, cranky and set in my ways, but I can't help it.

I hate seeing Mr. Perfect in pain, but this week has made me stretch myself in ways I never imagined and learn some things about myself. I've gotten up every 3 hours since Friday to take care of him. Apparently last night I started sleeping through my alarm and Mr. Perfect was having to do stuff on his own. I got really upset. Did I mention I'm also not good at feeling like I've failed at something? Like taking care of those around me.

I get very scared of how I'm going to handle things come April when my life takes on a humongous change. But then I realize I did it this week, with no help, and I've survived (well almost, he still hasn't been cleared to do anything). In April I'll at least have help and now I know, I CAN do this. It's going to be hard and I'm going to have many mental breakdowns, but I will do this and I will do this well.

It's medication time. I'll see you guys on the flip side. I promise to be cheerier next week. =)

Bring it on 2010

I'm not really one for New Years Resolutions. Might have something to do with my little problem called a lack of sticktoitofness. But seeing as how 2010 already has some pretty big changes in store for me, I thought I'd make a list of some things I would really like to work on.

Then I thought I'd put it out on the internet in hopes of being forced to actually stick to them. So here goes.

1) Get more involved in our church. It's very important to both Mr. Perfect and myself that Baby Girl is raised in a church with a supportive church family. We started the year off right by heading to Sunday School and church this morning. This is a foundation that she needs and is so easy for us to build for her.

2) Figure out a family budget.. and stick to it. We're actually really good at making budgets, it's the sticking to them we have problems with. We need to get back to making out tithes and our savings a priority, not something we do when we "think about it".

3) Work on being a better "housewife". Mr. Perfect does all of our cooking and I do most of the cleaning. However, I've been quite slack lately and I feel like I need to do a better job of keeping our house running. I know I'll never be one of those amazing stay at home moms that has it all together, because that is just so not me, but I do want to have a house that is a well oiled machine and one that I keep running.

4) Come April, I want to get back into my running and get back in shape. I so miss running and I can't wait to get back out there. I have a few races that I'm already looking into doing and want to add a few more as I see fit. Hopefully I'll get the amazing jogging stroller I'm currently lusting over, and this will be something Baby Girl and I can do together.

5) Figure out exactly what I want from my career. My job situation right now sucks. I need to get this figured out soon and am not really sure what I want to do. Hopefully this year will finally be the one where I grow up and make a decision about what I really want to do when I grow up. Gah, scary.

That's it folks. Not trying to be super ambitious or anything, just really want to make some big changes for this year. So bring it 2010. I am so ready for you.