On another note...

....It's almost Thanksgiving! Which means it's that much closer to CHRISTMAS!! Love it! I could skip Thanksgiving though.. I think it's the food. Not a fan of turkey, dressing, sweet potatos, cranberry sauce.. this list could go on for days! I am super excited that my family is coming to ME this year (I'm not too selfish am I?!?) No 10 hour drive for this girl! No leaving my babies in a kennel (tear....)! No driving off and forgetting to get someone to take care of the fish! (*gasp-- that could not have been me last weekend!) Plus, and this is a HUGE plus, my little brother The Marine, is back from Iraq and will finally be home! YAY YAY YAY!! (I'm not at all excited about this though...) We're having an oyster roast for him on Saturday nite. Here's the dilemna- before the Marine left there was this little group of friends that were insanely close. We all did everything together. 4 girls (including me), 2 boys (including the Marine), and 2 husbands (including Mr. Perfect) were inseparable. We laughed together, cried together, fought together (a lot!), and partied together (well minus Mr. Perfect- he doesn't drink). Well in the time since the Marine left things have changed. The other married couple we don't see as much because they've got their own things going. No big deal just stuff the rest of us aren't a part of. The other two girls were living together and boyfriends, partying, stupid girlie stuff etc... eventually tore them apart. They both moved in with their boyfriends in different houses. One of those girls (bravo if you're still following this!) was my best friend. Notice the was. A huge fight and some growing up on my part led us to today where we don't even speak. The other girl also moved in with her boyfriend and the other boy that was a part of our group. Eventually words were said between her boytoy and the other boy and now they are no longer living together and barely speaking. The problem here is this: the Marine has no idea of any of this. A few weekends back, Mr. Perfect and I traveled to NC to welcome home the Marine. I didn't want to bombard him with all the details of the fights and all so I simply left it at changes have occured in our group. It makes me sad though that he's coming home to what we've all become. It was going to happen. I needed to do some growing up and in doing so I lost everything I had in common with my former BFF. It happens.... So this oyster roast is going to bring us all together again. We're all still friends with the Marine so of course we'll all attend. But AWKWARD!! It's actually making my stomach hurt. I don't do well in high stress situations!!!

But.. did I mention it's almost CHRISTMAS!!! And did I mention that I get to see my little brother who is my best friend ever this weekend?!? And did I mention it's a weekend of family, friends, and good football!!

How did I get here?

I'm having a hard time today. I actually can't quite put the words together that can sum up the 8 bazillion thoughts running through my head. I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't see straight and I'm so tired of not doing anything to change it. I've been reading a blog all morning that has broken my heart. I've cried so hard for this sweet family that my eyes hurt. Good. They can match my heart. I wish I had faith like her. To be able to praise God through everything and to know that it will get better. I just can't seem to get there. I keep making the same mistakes over and over and I don't know how to quit. I look back at some of the things in my past and just cringe. I'm ashamed and plain sick of where I've been. I know that it's not going to be easy. I know I'm supposed to make mistakes, I'm supposed to have imperfections, but I'm sick of those ruling my life. This lady has been through despair that I can't even imagine and selfishly pray I never will. Yet through all this she has hope. I don't feel that... Three times now I've been handed a gift that I feel got taken from me way too early.. Over time I've managed to convince myself that it was for the best, that things worked out the way they should've. I've never even really allowed myself to get mad or to fully imagine the effects those losses have on my future. I've never even allowed myself to say that I've lost a child. Definitely not three. I honestly feel that all the heartache and everything that my husband and I have been through is punishment for who I've become. I know logically it's not because God doesn't work that way, but I put that on me. On my shoulders. It's all mine to bear. But it's not. Nor should it be. Maybe it's time to drop off this load. To give it fully to someone who can handle it, because I sure cannot. I ask for direction from the only One who can give it as I strive to become someone who is proud of themself...

"Not Me Monday"

I can't help it.. I'm in love with this ladies' blog!! Her family is adorable and the stories she tells crack me up! So I'm joining in on one of her little things she does every Monday called.. "Not Me Monday" (couldn't have guessed that could you?!). You can go here for how to play because I can't really explain it.. But here goes mine..

I did not dry a load of laundry three times today just because I don't quite have the desire to fold them yet...

I did not secretly love it when my co-worker got in trouble for coming off rude to clients and not knowing how to talk to them "quite like Megan does"...

I did not get super stressed out when I found out my whole family is coming to MY house for Thanksgiving dinner, and I most certainly am NOT blogging this when I should be cleaning (and folding a load of laundry!)

I most certainly did not let the cat eat the sandwich I just dropped on the floor instead of cleaning it up...

and lastly.. I will not be making rice for the dogs for dinner because I still have yet to make it to the store for food.. Every dog likes eating rice for a week right?!

On another note.. I'm sick of the cold... Is it time for this again yet?!?!?

A new beginning....

So it's been a weird couple of months at our household. Basically we've let the stresses of the outside world somehow make their way into our marriage and it's been so HARD on us as a couple. I'll be the first to admit it's mainly me.. I'm really having a hard time learning to be a "wife". I got married way younger than I ever thought I would (22) and I thought I was ready but I'm learning that I have a lot of growing up to do. I am, however, married to my soulmate. No one would have been able to put up with what I've put him through like he has. I've just been having a really hard time separating who I am with who I thought I would be.. That probably makes no sense but it's so true. I need to learn that I am someone's wife. I made that choice 3 1/2 years ago and it's a choice that I will stick to. I've got to let go of the selfishness that is me and focus on "us". So that's where we're at. Basically I need to make some cuts and some changes in my life that will get me back on the path that I need to be on. We're working on our family now.. Us as a couple and maybe some additions down the road. We're spending more quality time together and I'm trying to be ok with that. I've always been the life of the party but he's more of a stay at home family man and I'm learning to be more ok with it just being "us". I do have the best of friends and support system that knows I need to make some changes and will completely be there for me and us as we head down this new road...

In the beginning...

So in the beginning there was a girl. Who spent her days reading about everyone else's life and thinking "Hey... I go through that all the time!". So when my best friend J decided to start her own blog about her life and love as a single mom, I decided it was the perfect time to describe mine as the opposite.... So I got married 3 and 1/2 years ago and it's been like a rollercoaster since. It's the hardest and most natural thing I've ever done. It's just me and Mr. Perfect right now. Day by day trying to figure out what tomorrow is going to hold for us... I work full time for a veterinarian, where I work really hard (ish...). I drink a lot of coffee, make a lot of sarcastic comments, work hard, and play even harder. I got really lucky in the friend department. I've got the most awesome friends who'll be all over this blog because I'm really nothing without them. My little brother is a Marine and more importantly my best friend. I've got three dogs, a cat, and a fish that are my children. Well not the fish. I just won him at a fair! I'm freespirited, relaxed most of the time, laughing all of the time, overanalyzing some of the time, and a constant work in progress. Stick around... I promise it gets good!