How did I get here?

I'm having a hard time today. I actually can't quite put the words together that can sum up the 8 bazillion thoughts running through my head. I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't see straight and I'm so tired of not doing anything to change it. I've been reading a blog all morning that has broken my heart. I've cried so hard for this sweet family that my eyes hurt. Good. They can match my heart. I wish I had faith like her. To be able to praise God through everything and to know that it will get better. I just can't seem to get there. I keep making the same mistakes over and over and I don't know how to quit. I look back at some of the things in my past and just cringe. I'm ashamed and plain sick of where I've been. I know that it's not going to be easy. I know I'm supposed to make mistakes, I'm supposed to have imperfections, but I'm sick of those ruling my life. This lady has been through despair that I can't even imagine and selfishly pray I never will. Yet through all this she has hope. I don't feel that... Three times now I've been handed a gift that I feel got taken from me way too early.. Over time I've managed to convince myself that it was for the best, that things worked out the way they should've. I've never even really allowed myself to get mad or to fully imagine the effects those losses have on my future. I've never even allowed myself to say that I've lost a child. Definitely not three. I honestly feel that all the heartache and everything that my husband and I have been through is punishment for who I've become. I know logically it's not because God doesn't work that way, but I put that on me. On my shoulders. It's all mine to bear. But it's not. Nor should it be. Maybe it's time to drop off this load. To give it fully to someone who can handle it, because I sure cannot. I ask for direction from the only One who can give it as I strive to become someone who is proud of themself...