thoughts on two..

I'm nervous y'all. Like real nervous.

I've read enough blogs over the years to know I'm not alone in my thinking, but it doesn't really change things. You still think things like "they just don't know how much I really love my daughter" or crazy things like that.

Before I had BG, I was convinced that she wouldn't compare to how I felt for my dog. And while I realize how crazy that sounds now, pre-Mama me had nothing to compare too. She just knew that she really, really, REALLY loved her dog. That dog was my child. She could do no wrong. I loved her like my child because I didn't have any of my own. It was all I knew.

Then, I had Baby Girl. And Lacy became.. a dog.

I still loved her yes, but little things that I never noticed drove me nuts. Like how her nails tapped on the hard wood. Or how her hair got EVERYWHERE. Or how she would lick the baby's bottles and pacis driving me into a sterilization nightmare. And when she barked when I finally got the Kid Who Never Slept asleep?? RAGE. Like head spinning, Exorcism of Emily Rose, spinning.

Everyone told me it would happen. They told me the two would never compare. And I listened to them, but I didn't believe them. They clearly didn't love their dogs as much as I loved mine. That was the only explanation.

Now? Well there's a second kid coming. And while I am excited (there should be a disclaimer here that I am one of those people that get excited when the baby is here. Not really before.. I'm just wired that way), I am also terrified that this kid will never compare to BG.

Don't throw things. I'm allowed to be worried. I'm allowed to be nervous.

I'm not comparing them as two different people, I'm just saying BG takes up a HUGE chunk of my heart and it scares me to think of him coming and taking some of that.

I'm insane. But I'm not. I'm just saying it all out loud.

I know that the minute he gets here my heart is going to expand and stretch and make room for him that I didn't even know I had. That I didn't even realize it had the capability to do. But right now? Right now all I see is a huge change and we all know this girl is not a fun of the C word.

BG and I have had 4 1/2 years together. I'm not a stay at home Mom and I work a lot, but there have been long stretches of her life where I did stay home. And even working, we spend a lot of time just me and her. There are lots of trips taken just me and her. Lots of activities. Lots of bedtimes. Lots of meals and movies and shopping trips. She's been my faithful companion for 4 1/2 years. She's been my shopping buddy, my running buddy, my park buddy. The girl always down for a Target trip. She's my heart and soul in 4 foot form. And thinking of changing that dynamic scares me to death.

Honestly, I don't know how it's going to be with two kids. I've never had two. But I know that my relationship with E is special and deserves time put into it like I always have. I'm actually a bit excited at the challenge of making sure that both kiddos get special time one on one time. I look forward to getting to know this new babe. To see who he is. To see how he ticks.

But I'm still scared of how I'll feel with two. Less than six weeks til I know....