Thursday, September 20, 2012

this kind of love.

The Mother/daughter relationship is kind of an odd one no?

Here's a confession; while pregnant with BG, I never felt that insane bonding that you hear about. I was completely aware that my daughter was in there, but I think I was just terrified to truly bond with her until she was in my arms. I had a peace from the minute I saw the positive sign that she would be fine, but still... I guess I was just cautious. Guarding my heart if you will.

When they placed her in my arms, my heart near exploded with love for her. And not only love, but sheer joy that she was here and that she was perfect. And she was mine. Forever.
Ella & Megan  4-3-10 (2)
I couldn't stop staring at her. After we got home, I alternated between complete awe over this little creature and complete confusion as to what I was supposed to do with her next. I adored her and I loved her, but it would be a while before we would bond in the way that I thought Mothers and daughters should.

I honestly thought something was wrong with me. Was I missing something that I didn't feel the "connection" I had heard so much about? Why did I still not feel like I had that "Mother's intuition"? Why did I still feel so lost about what to do with her and when to do it?

I didn't "trust my gut" because my gut wasn't telling me what to do. I never could tell the difference in her cries (I just wanted them to stop). I seriously thought something was wrong with me.

The initial connection just didn't happen. Not like I thought it would anyway.

But now? Good grief that girl is in my soul.

I love my kid in a way that I can't even understand. It's this love that terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. She can make me the maddest I've ever been and then when she's asleep? I want to go get her and cuddle her because I miss her.

I can pray for nap time and then when it comes? pray for her to wake up because I miss her.

We are connected. It took us a while and a lot of time to figure each other out, but we are 100% connected. And these past few days? they have solidified that connection like no other.
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I didn't feel the instant connection with her that I thought I would. I loved her immediately and I would have done anything for her the second I met her, but it took us time to build our bond. Heck, we're still building it. The fact that it did take us a while, I think, makes it stronger. We've worked at our relationship.

This kind of love that I feel for my girl is so odd to me. It's a love that literally knows no bounds. It's a love that has severe highs and severe lows. It's a love that is unconditional but also needs work as we are both constantly changing people who deserve to be loved for who we are.

Maybe I did have that "connection" right away but it was just different than I was imagining. All I know is I have loved her from the minute I knew she was a part of me. But now? now that we laugh and play and talk, now it is so much more than just love. It's some sort of special love that I never thought I would get to be a part of.

She has my heart. This kind of love that we have? is the best in the world. This is what a Mother/daughter relationship should be. I can't wait to continue growing with this girl.
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9 comments:

Amy @ Forever 29 said...

You are such a good momma...that last pic shows it all. I know what you mean about connection. I wasn't quite sure what to do with these little people. I hope I never lose the connection I have with my boys now.

Erin said...

Yes, this post exactly is how I have felt through my parenting journey as well! You said it so perfectly.

Muffy said...

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!Love her! Love you! I think I've got an email from you I didn't respond to yet!

Crystal Seed said...

You two are just adorable! You are a great Mama!!

Kate said...

That last photo of y'all is just GORGEOUS!

Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Beautiful words, beautiful girls . . . I can so relate to that feeling of not having that lightning bolt, instant connection feeling at birth, only to have it knock you over the head later. Aren't we so fortunate to have it now?

Jen Watts said...

Seriously. This is me. I really thought there was something wrong with me for not feeling that bonding thing at first. But now- its amazing! And it grows every day.

I love those pictures of you and I really love your ability to put into words so often what I'm thinking!

Mommy Mandy said...

Love this post! I did feel a connection with Emmy right away..but it took a little longer with Charlotte. Your honesty here makes me know I'm not alone:)

Jess @ Wrangling Chaos said...

I saved this in my reader for so long because I read it on my phone but really wanted to comment.

When I had Cass, I was all "meh" about it. I had expected to feel that moment, that spectacular bond of love and amazement the second she was placed on my chest.

Yeah. No. Didn't happen. It took six months before I really felt connected to her, and now? She's my girl. At almost nine, she and I are super bonded, to the point where if I'm at a photo shoot for an afternoon she texts me asking when i'll be home.

Each of my kids I bonded with differently, at different times. Liv was when we were in the hospital the second time, and I was terrified that if I didn't touch her, hold her, sing to her, that she'd just slip away.

Now she gives me hugs and smiles when she says mama.

Love grows. And with it, that bond strengthens. We're all different people, and it doesn't make sense that we'd all bond with our babies immediately, as if it were a pill we take to make it happen.

Anyway. Sorry for the book.

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