Here's a confession; while pregnant with BG, I never felt that insane bonding that you hear about. I was completely aware that my daughter was in there, but I think I was just terrified to truly bond with her until she was in my arms. I had a peace from the minute I saw the positive sign that she would be fine, but still... I guess I was just cautious. Guarding my heart if you will.
When they placed her in my arms, my heart near exploded with love for her. And not only love, but sheer joy that she was here and that she was perfect. And she was mine. Forever.
I honestly thought something was wrong with me. Was I missing something that I didn't feel the "connection" I had heard so much about? Why did I still not feel like I had that "Mother's intuition"? Why did I still feel so lost about what to do with her and when to do it?
I didn't "trust my gut" because my gut wasn't telling me what to do. I never could tell the difference in her cries (I just wanted them to stop). I seriously thought something was wrong with me.
The initial connection just didn't happen. Not like I thought it would anyway.
But now? Good grief that girl is in my soul.
I love my kid in a way that I can't even understand. It's this love that terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. She can make me the maddest I've ever been and then when she's asleep? I want to go get her and cuddle her because I miss her.
I can pray for nap time and then when it comes? pray for her to wake up because I miss her.
We are connected. It took us a while and a lot of time to figure each other out, but we are 100% connected. And these past few days? they have solidified that connection like no other.
This kind of love that I feel for my girl is so odd to me. It's a love that literally knows no bounds. It's a love that has severe highs and severe lows. It's a love that is unconditional but also needs work as we are both constantly changing people who deserve to be loved for who we are.
Maybe I did have that "connection" right away but it was just different than I was imagining. All I know is I have loved her from the minute I knew she was a part of me. But now? now that we laugh and play and talk, now it is so much more than just love. It's some sort of special love that I never thought I would get to be a part of.
She has my heart. This kind of love that we have? is the best in the world. This is what a Mother/daughter relationship should be. I can't wait to continue growing with this girl.