I know it's been a while. Truth be told, I hate how long it's been. And I'm going to do my best to update this little space with what's been going on and what we've been up too. It's time to come back.
Truth is, I run from this place a little bit when I'm feeling.. lost. Which is odd, because at one time this was the first place I ran too. But here, I get a good glimpse of "me" and lately, I haven't wanted to look.
I feel like I've lost "me".
Which sounds totally emo and "whoa is me" but let's see if I can explain.
Ever since moving to Charlotte I've felt off. Which is sort of crazy because I really like this place, but I haven't found my niche.
Or maybe I have. In a niche I don't want.
My life is consumed by work. It is literally, everywhere.
I work with my husband. I work with my best friend. There is never a "quitting time" as we're always together and work quickly pours over into dinner, which pours over into bed time, which pours over into the next morning. It never ends.
Not to mention that I work in an extremely consuming job. It is always something. And 95% of the people I deal with in the business I am in, are extremely poor and make extremely bad decisions which I deal with every single day.
It is mentally exhausting.
I've been working for months to find a way to balance it all and I can't find it.
Some of the most important relationships in my life have fallen apart since I've moved here (which have nothing to do with the move but on top of things...). Which leaves me with this deep sadness that nothing can quite help (and I've tried) and leaves me with a jealousy that is out of control when I see people that have amazing relationships in that department.
So much stress.
Which quickly leads me to feel tired. A tired that is in my bones. That no matter how much sleep I get, I could go right back to dreamland. A tired that makes me want to spend entire days on the couch hiding from everyone watching reruns of Glee after the husband leaves for work and I take my kid to school.
I've actually only done that once. Win.
Somewhere in the madness that is life lately, I lost me. And I kind of miss her.
Usually I can spill a few words on these pages and instantly feel better, but I'm not sure that I've even wanted that lately. To feel better I mean.
And please, this isn't a cry for help or anything like that, this is just me; trying to work through the insanity in my over cluttered head.
Maybe this is a bit of homesickness, though we've moved so much lately I don't even know where "home" is.
Maybe this is a bit of sadness as I've left tiny pieces of my heart in two different places in less than a year and it's catching up to me now.
Maybe I'm just mentally exhausted by the every day demands of a job that just won't quit (which I love, but might be the death of me).
I don't know.
I just know that lately, I'm tired.
I haven't figured out what life is trying to show me lately. What God is trying to show me. Which that second part is my fault as I've basically shut down all communication with Him since I moved here.
There's the problem. Duh.
The discontent that is raging has a direct correlation to the fact that I've let that relationship come last since I moved here.
He gets the very last of me; the remnants left over at the end of a way too full day. Which isn't fair. Or right.
I'm just so tired.
The good thing? I've sat down here and put it in words. Words are finally spilling out which means I'm probably ready to start fixing things. Fixing me. Which is good. Because I kind of miss her.