Thursday, January 12, 2012

a few days later....

A few years ago, I attended the funeral of a very close family friend.

I sat a few rows back and watched the family that I'd spent my entire life admiring for their closeness as they came together to say good-bye to their family matriarch.

As I watched, I couldn't help but wonder what it felt like to be them at that moment. With all the attention and the love and the outpouring of support. That would surely make all this a bit easier no?

No.

Fast forward a few years and it is my turn to be the family. Not so fun.

What sucks is the days after the funeral and all that jazz. When the texts, email, tweets, and Facebook messages stop coming. When the food is no longer being delivered. When it seems that everyone else is back to their normal.

Only what is now normal for the family?

How do they get on with their "daily lives"?

The next time I walk into my Grandma's house, for the first time since she started having hearing issues years ago, the first words out of my mouth will not be a loud "Hi Grandma!" to alert her I'm there.

I'll never again ask for a piece of gum only to have her dig in her humongous purse and pull out half a piece (covered in lint no less. I'll never understand why she only ever chewed half a piece).

I'll never leave her house with a $20 stuffed into my hands again. I never got out of that house without money. I can still hear her telling my Papa he better "find her more than that". A $5 wouldn't do for her.

I'll never sit for hours in a bookstore while she let me peruse the aisles for a few to bring home. She never rushed me.

I'll never ride around town with the country music blaring. Or try to switch it up on her only to have her switch it right back to country and away from "that mess".

It's a few days later and I'm stumped. I'm stumped at how to go on for the first time in twenty nine years without my Grandma. She's everywhere. My long, bony fingers that type out this post are just like hers and when I apply my makeup, I'll peer into green eyes also just like hers. My closet is full in large part to her and her desire to shop and also to give me a handful of clothes every time I went home.

At the funeral home the other day, my precious baby girl let us all know that she got what was going on with a few simple words. And while she was able to utter "bye bye Grandma. I love you", her mother seems to be having a problem saying the same thing. I'm at a loss.

But... I'll figure it out.

20 comments:

Mandy said...

I am so so sorry for your loss (((big hugs))) You have been in my thoughts these last few days, and you all will still be in my prayers. I pray for peace for you all as you figure out how to live without her.

Kate said...

You will figure it out. It will take time and it will be hard and sometimes it will smack you upside the face months later when you're not even expecting it, but it will get better.

The year anniversary of my grandfather's death was Dec 18th - I still miss him like crazy and we still get choked up when we talk about him (which is often) - but we usually are smiling with the tears now.

You are still in my thoughts daily!

Meg said...

I can totally understand! It seems that the bittersweet comes from our little ones in such times. I lost a grandpa just a few months ago and it really is a whole new reality and adjustment... but you'll get through it in time! I am often reminded of him (especially since we taught our now 3 year old that "P is for Papa" and find comfort in the stories of love and truth and cherishment that he had for my daughters and a time when I can share that with them over and over again!

Kara said...

I lost mine twelve and nine years ago and think of them daily. So sorry:(

Lauren said...

Oh my, I can so relate to this with what our family is walking through right now!! I might be talking to you here shortly. Maybe you'll know by then and can help me figure it out! Love you friend and big hugs!!!

Girl in Carolina said...

About 3 years ago, I lost my grandmother too and it was devastating. Reading your post, I nodded my head, got teary eyed and it all came flooding back. That's exactly what it feels like. You feel so...empty all of a sudden.

My aunt sent me a card about a week after the funeral and gave me the best advice. She said everyday to write down one memory of your grandmother, even the little silly ones that no one else would get. That way she lives on. I haven't always done this, but some days when I need to feel her close, I write down a few. It helps and I always smile. And I think she's smiling too.

So sorry for your loss!!! xoxo

Erin said...

So, so sorry for your loss sweet girl! Praying for you and your entire family!

Sara said...

I'm really bad about commenting lately, but please know that even when the text messages aren't coming you are still in people thoughts. I think I say more "minute prayers" as they come to me during the day than anything else.

Lucy Marie said...

Both of my grandma's always did the half piece of gum covered in lint thing. Maybe it stems from them coming from a time where "stuff" wasn't in abundance so they learned to make things stretch?

Know that we are all thinking of you and praying for your family as you move through the coming days/weeks/months. xoxo

Lucy Marie said...

Both of my grandma's always did the half piece of gum covered in lint thing. Maybe it stems from them coming from a time where "stuff" wasn't in abundance so they learned to make things stretch?

Know that we are all thinking of you and praying for your family as you move through the coming days/weeks/months. xoxo

Jenny @ Practically Perfect... said...

This was a sweet remembrance of your grandma and got me thinking about mine, both still alive in the States. It's so wonderful that your daughter was able to experience her and be loved by her :-) It sounds like she was an amazing woman!

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry for your loss love- I think losing a grandparent is one of the hardest things in life, you are always in my prayers and I hope that as time goes by and you reflect on ll the memories you had with her, that a piece of your heart smiles, because you are a lovely person and she was lucky to have a granddaughter like you!!

A.B. said...

My nanny passed away a long time ago (sophomore year of college). My dee passed away the year later. THey lived down the street from my parents. I still feel that loss everytime I drive by their house.

In this wonderful life... said...

prayers for you, friend! I wasn't on Twitter the day you shared about your grandma's passing. In fact, I think I read it at like midnight, but I am praying for you! Hang in there!

Samantha said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. My Grannie past last Spring and it was super hard so I can relate.

Jenna said...

You'll never forget, but I promise it will get easier. Let those good memories carry you through the hard days. Praying for comfort and peace for your family!

SEL said...

I lost of my Grandma on 9/2/2011, and my Grandpa on 11/15/2010. I too have wondered what to do sometimes with myself. The pain doesn't seem to subside. But, how lucky are we to have people so special in our lives that they're worth us crying over?

I'm sorry you're hurting. May your Grandma's memory be a blessing to you always.

Amy said...

so sorry for your loss, but what beautifully written post in honor of your grandma. i can't help but wonder if she only chewed half a piece of gum, because she was saving the other half for you? :)
prayers that your heart will heal and that you will find the peace you need to move forward, while still cherishing your memories of her.
hugs to you, friend! :)

A Big Little Life said...

I'm a new reader. So so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you Grandma was a really special lady : )

LG said...

This post is bringing out big ugly tears for me. It reminds me of that very raw feeling you have after this experience and I'm sad to say it really just takes time. It never goes away, or stops hurting but I guess you just find a way of compartmentalizing it. I am so , SO sorry you are having to go through this. I hope BG can keep you distracted from all the heaviness that weighs on your mind. Praying for you sweet friend.

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