Tuesday, February 19, 2013

words.

There are times when I honestly think I cannot do one more second of life the way it is going right now. And I don't mean that in some super emo way, I just mean it in that I constantly feel like I'm juggling hundreds of balls in the air and I'm just waiting, breathless, on one to fall.

And things are falling. Little things are slipping through the cracks because my focus is off. And it sucks. My calendar is a hot mess of scribbles because my brain can't even stay straight long enough to finish a sentence. Yet, instead of accomplishing anything right now, I'm watching One Tree Hill and jabbering on here. Lucky y'all.

Maybe the problem is that I don't do enough jabbering over here lately. Because one of the only places where things seem to consistently make sense is over here. I do love this space because of that.

I feel a bit stifled here lately. Our little family has spent the greater part of our existence fiercely independent. We haven't had help very often which has sucked, but at the same time, it's awarded us a great deal of freedom. We haven't had set plans weekly, or people wanting to just show up, etc. Now? It's just weird having family so close.

I feel bad even writing that, but it is a HUGE adjustment. One my extremely private, independent self, has a lot of trouble with. I'm learning, it's just... hard.

My child has been in rare form lately. Last week I was in Charlotte for a work trip and while I was gone, Mr. P had his first parent/teacher conference and BG was "written up" for the first time.

Let's talk about "Mom guilt" for a second. I've basically felt guilty about one thing or another since my child was born. But this new working Mom does work trips guilt? AWFUL. As I sat there on the stool in my best friend's kitchen in Charlotte listening to Mr. P tell me what was going on, my eyes filled up with tears faster than I even thought possible.

My pal said it best, I'm out working trying to make things better for her, but while I'm out, my heart is back home. And my heart was hurting back home and there was nothing I could do about it. AWFUL.

So parent teacher conference. Apparently while I was gone, BG quit listening to her teacher and started hitting. There's more, but that's all on her so... she can tell you if she wants. Mr. P and I are at a point where most of the time, we're lost. This disciplining a toddler thing? not for the faint of heart. Most of the time, we have zero clue what we're doing. And this hitting thing? I'm lost.

I wanted to chalk it up to "Mom's out of town"/ "it's Valentines Week and I'm all hopped up on sugar", but so far, it's continued into this week. Nice huh?

My child doesn't seem to be in love with her school. She's been saying stuff like she doesn't like it and she has no friends (heart, wrench) for the longest time. I know she likes school, so I'm not sure if she's just not meshing at this one or what. So today, I got up at 4:30 am to secure her a spot at one of the best preschools in the area. I really, really hope this will be a change for the better.

Also, I get up at 4:30 for no one. I must love that kid.

Work is overwhelming to say the least. I've jumped head first into a new job which has about twice the work to do than there are hours in a day. Tonight alone, I answered emails til 9:45 tonight after beginning my day at 7:30 am. It has been a day. Hence those scribbles all over my calendar.

None of this probably makes any sense. I've been sick for over a week now so the combination of meds, little sleep, long hours, toddler terrors, and the wine glass to my left has left me with these words. My head is a mess.

11 comments:

amyevolving said...

First of all we HAVE to find a time to get together...this summer at the latest. Because I said so.

I imagine I would have the same reaction to being close to family. We've been on our own and I'm sure it is a huge adjustment.

And you are not at all alone with the mom guilt on the school behavior. Nate went through a phase after Thanksgiving that sounds just like what BG is going through. I blamed it only grandparent spoiling, too many sweets and a iPad video game that he had started playing. His teacher called me and we talked for 20 minutes and I tried to muffle the sound of my crying the whole time. The good news? She'll outgrow this phase. This phase is actually good because she is BRIGHT and developing and TESTING her boundaries. I talked to a handful of moms after N got over it and they described the exact same thing. Now why these kids' manuals didn't warn us I'm not sure. Can't we get an App for that?

Anyway, this is the longest blog comment ever. Love and hugs to you.

A

Mommy Mandy said...

Hugs lady. I hope you all get through this tough time soon and life starts cutting you a break.

And seriously, this whole parenting a kid thing? SO MUCH HARDER than a baby. They're entire purpose in life is to test boundaries and press our buttons.

You're doing a great job

Karen said...

You're not alone in feeling this way. I've been feeling like I'm not giving my best to anything lately because I'm so overwhelmed. Being a working Mom is tough, hugs!

Gina said...

Ohhh, it makes sense. I hear you and can relate to so much of it. I wish we lived closer. XOXO

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry things have been so tough! It is all a huge adjustment. Just remember, this is a season and you just keep being you and keep being consistent with discipline (even when it feels like it isn't doing anything yet) and this season will end, and then a new one will start. ;-) You are a great mama, don't let anything change your mind on that. That's just the devil trying to mess with you and get you off track. Sending you big hugs! Call me anytime!

Anna TTIL said...

Sometimes the best thing to do is to write it all out! I'm sorry you're having a rough time, I can identify! Not sure where you signed your sweet girl up for next year, but our boys' preschool is fabulous - HPK - and they both love(d) it!

Lucy Marie said...

Ugh... this mama stuff is so tough. I'll be praying for your heart to find peace and balance. Love you girlfriend.

Jess @ Wrangling Chaos said...

I think sometimes just getting it out of our brains helps streamline the thought process at least a tad.

I get this, though. The whole 'is this really my life, this isn't quite what I wanted, this isn't how I planned it to be, this isn't WHERE I want to be, or what I want to be doing'.

And then that feeling of thinking that somehow all your wrong decisions are going to culminate into absolute devastation for your kid. I have those moments.

You aren't alone.

Vanessa Miller said...

I hope things start working out for you. Sounds like a really tough adjustment for all of you!

Emily said...

Praying for you! Mom guilt and change are never easy, but this too shall pass. Hang in there.

Samantha said...

I just want to say, KEEP WRITING. I love hearing what you have to say.

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