There are times when I honestly think I cannot do one more second of life the way it is going right now. And I don't mean that in some super emo way, I just mean it in that I constantly feel like I'm juggling hundreds of balls in the air and I'm just waiting, breathless, on one to fall.
And things are falling. Little things are slipping through the cracks because my focus is off. And it sucks. My calendar is a hot mess of scribbles because my brain can't even stay straight long enough to finish a sentence. Yet, instead of accomplishing anything right now, I'm watching One Tree Hill and jabbering on here. Lucky y'all.
Maybe the problem is that I don't do enough jabbering over here lately. Because one of the only places where things seem to consistently make sense is over here. I do love this space because of that.
I feel a bit stifled here lately. Our little family has spent the greater part of our existence fiercely independent. We haven't had help very often which has sucked, but at the same time, it's awarded us a great deal of freedom. We haven't had set plans weekly, or people wanting to just show up, etc. Now? It's just weird having family so close.
I feel bad even writing that, but it is a HUGE adjustment. One my extremely private, independent self, has a lot of trouble with. I'm learning, it's just... hard.
My child has been in rare form lately. Last week I was in Charlotte for a work trip and while I was gone, Mr. P had his first parent/teacher conference and BG was "written up" for the first time.
Let's talk about "Mom guilt" for a second. I've basically felt guilty about one thing or another since my child was born. But this new working Mom does work trips guilt? AWFUL. As I sat there on the stool in my best friend's kitchen in Charlotte listening to Mr. P tell me what was going on, my eyes filled up with tears faster than I even thought possible.
My pal said it best, I'm out working trying to make things better for her, but while I'm out, my heart is back home. And my heart was hurting back home and there was nothing I could do about it. AWFUL.
So parent teacher conference. Apparently while I was gone, BG quit listening to her teacher and started hitting. There's more, but that's all on her so... she can tell if you she wants. Mr. P and I are at a point where most of the time, we're lost. This disciplining a toddler thing? not for the faint of heart. Most of the time, we have zero clue what we're doing. And this hitting thing? I'm lost.
I wanted to chalk it up to "Mom's out of town"/ "it's Valentines Week and I'm all hopped up on sugar", but so far, it's continued into this week. Nice huh?
My child doesn't seem to be in love with her school. She's been saying stuff like she doesn't like it and she has no friends (heart, wrench) for the longest time. I know she likes school, so I'm not sure if she's just not meshing at this one or what. So today, I got up at 4:30 am to secure her a spot at one of the best preschools in the area. I really, really hope this will be a change for the better.
Also, I get up at 4:30 for no one. I must love that kid.
Work is overwhelming to say the least. I've jumped head first into a new job which has about twice the work to do than there are hours in a day. Tonight alone, I answered emails til 9:45 tonight after beginning my day at 7:30 am. It has been a day. Hence those scribbles all over my calendar.
None of this probably makes any sense. I've been sick for over a week now so the combination of meds, little sleep, long hours, toddler terrors, and the wine glass to my left has left me with these words. My head is a mess.