Every single time I start to feel like maybe, just maybe, that we're starting to settle into a groove, something happens and the carpet is snatched out from under us. Time and time again.
I try to be a glass half full person. I try to see the good in everything. I try really, really hard to tell myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. But that girl is tired. Really, really tired.
It took us five years to have Ella. In that time we lost four pregnancies. I had multiple procedures and surgeries in order to have a successful pregnancy. It was exhausting. But in the end, it was worth it. However, many, many times I just wanted to sob "why?!". Why was it so easy for some to get pregnant and have a baby and why was it so dang hard for us??
When we finally had Ella, we were in a good place. We had a home. We had two good jobs. Our marriage was solid after the trials of the past few years. In a way, it was good that we had all that time to prepare for her. I felt like we were at a place where we would be able to give her the world. Where we would be able to easily provide everything she needed and quite a bit that she wanted. Things were good.
Then things changed. The job was gone. The house was gone. We moved hours away to a town where we knew nobody. We struggled a bit and it took us a while to find our feet but we eventually did.
We fell in love with that town. We made really good friends. We worked to build things back up in our accounts and life in general. Ella thrived in a school that she loved. She made her first real best friend. Life was good.
And then things changed. Again.
We found ourselves knocked back down a bit as we took what felt like another step backwards. As we licked our wounds and said goodbye to dear friends, E's school, a home we adored, a church we loved, and a town we loved. We packed everyone up and moved 3 hours east to pick ourselves back up again.
It took a while again. It took a good bit of struggle. I spent a lot of time battling feelings of jealousy as I watched young families around me seem to thrive while I felt like we were barely hanging on. I struggled with a lack of contentment as I wondered why we seemed to have so dang little and why that little seemed to constantly be taken from us.
After a while things got better. We ended up moving again six months ago into a situation that we should have stayed far, far away from. Hindsight is 20/20 though right? Now? Another huge change is upon us. Another devastating change. And I am flat out exhausted.
I feel like I'm constantly waiting for life to start. Which is crazy because I'm 31 years old. I feel like it should be settled by now. That we should be settled by now. And we are so far from that it's not even funny.
We had just started thinking of a second kid and now I feel like it's definitely not the right time. We had just started getting ahead and now... I am so tired.
I am mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I know that there's a "plan" here but I'm having a really hard time holding on to that hope. A really hard time keeping the faith. I am so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of worrying.
The here and now is exhausting. As it is far, far too often. I'm a bit tired of every road being so dang hard to travel.
So if you could spare a prayer, we could really use it. I don't even know if this makes sense. But there it is.