Wednesday, September 22, 2010

reflections.

If someone had told me how I would feel about being a mother, I would have laughed in their face.

I didn't get it. I didn't get how I would totally be so in love with this little person. I didn't know how fierce I would be about protecting her.

I just didn't get it.

There's a lot that you are told about motherhood. Everyone is quick to wax poetic about how much you'll love the little one or "sleep when they sleep" yada yada yada. But there is so much more to this. So much.

If I could go back to April 3rd at about 11:55 am, I would whisper to that tired girl in that bed "Breathe in girl and relax. It's about to get real". My life changed forever one hour later. And it's never going to be the same.

I'm not going to lie. Some days I think about running off to a hotel for the night where I can just watch tv and sleep and just be all by myself. No husband, no baby, no dogs, no bottles to wash. Just sleep. As late as I want and as hard as I want. Some days she cries for no reason and I just look at her like "What the heck did I do to my life??". Some days she won't nap and I can't get anything done and I just want to pull my hair out.

There are definitely those days.

But... then she puts her hand on my face and looks at me with those big blue eyes and I melt. Or she falls asleep with her head nuzzled into my neck. Or she gets so excited and waves her hands madly when she sees me. And just like that, every tough time is forgotten.

I rock some pretty fierce circles under my eyes now. I'm still carrying a bit more weight on my 5'8 frame than I'm happy with. I can't buy a ton of new clothes that I'm aching to have.

But I honest to God don't care.

I'm a selfish person by nature. I know this about myself. I've gone through most of my life like a tornado. I've hurt people, said mean things, spent too much money, and generally been pretty thoughtless at times (not all the time- I swear there are some good sides of me!), but that's all changed.

Ok. So not all of it. I will still buy too many pairs of shoes and I will still squander my time and I will still say something really snarky occasionally, but hey. I'm working on it.

But I have changed.

She's changed me.

I spend no money without thinking of her first. I don't eat lunch out every day anymore because I know that five dollars can go to her. Every thought I have, every decision I make; she gets considered first.

Sometimes I look at that sweet face and wonder how on Earth anyone could ever hurt a child like her. It utterly baffles me. I get upset when I think people ignore her. The other night, she sat in a room smiling and giggling while people just talked around her and it broke my heart. She deserves the world.

And I know no one meant anything bad to her or meant to ignore her, but I am so defensive for her. I wish I could protect her for her whole life.

I'm still not a "kid" person by any means. I still like my kid's friends but I'm just not a kid person. But I adore her. She will forever be the best thing I've done in my life. She has made our family complete.

I know Mr. Perfect and I have always been happy. We've had a great marriage to this point and I love him with my whole heart. But I swear y'all, I didn't know it was possible to be this happy. She makes us laugh until we can't breathe. We just look at her and smile. I didn't know my heart could hold this kind of love.

So yea, my life has changed. Occasionally I think about "the good 'ol days" when I could wear expensive clothes, eat out every night, and go out with my girls at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I miss it. But the other 99.9% of the time... no way.

I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do in this life for work. I'm not sure where we're supposed to live and raise our girl. I'm still not sure if we'll ever expand our family more. What I do know is this; this life I have with her? This is what I was made to do. I was made to be this little girl's Mom. I was made to spend my life with her and Mr. Perfect.

And I couldn't be any happier about that.

Twenty four weeks post-partum, I am a completely different person. And I'm totally diggin' it.

8 comments:

Hayley said...

This made me cry...so beautiful!

You are a very lucky lady :-)

Belle on Heels said...

girl, you've got to warn someone before you put up a post like this! my mascara's running all over the place from crying :)

jen mccrady said...

i love this. thanks for your honesty...

In this wonderful life... said...

love this. so sweet.

Virginia Belle said...

I love how honest you are in this post. It's so beautiful and sweet!

Jennifer said...

Great post!

It is exactly what I've been thinking lately about my little Sawyer. I've been bawling my eyes out the last couple days thinking about how I have to go back to work. My heart aches. He is the world to me now.

leeann said...

AAAAhhhhmazing Post!!

Maggie said...

A really special post that I'm honored to read. Keep writing, girl - you have talent!

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