Tuesday, August 17, 2010

honest.

Want to know a truth about me?

95% of the time, I am really as happy as I portray on my blog.

I have no complaints during those times. I'm enjoying my job, my marriage is all lovey dovey, and my child is perfect.

About 4% of the time, I'm bored or angry. Yes. I get fired up mad. It goes away quickly though and then I'm back in the 95th percentile.

I like it much better there.

Then there's the side of me that I try my best to hide. It's the side that comes out when I've spent too much time alone, or I'm really tired, or I'm hormonal.

It's when I get really discontent.

I've been struggling with this for a while now. I know most of this stems from the fact that I'm plain tired. I get irritable and cranky and just down right mean. There's no excuse.

At these times, I snap at Mr. Perfect, or quit talking to him, or blame him for things he's not even doing. I get mad that he's able to sleep through BG crying or that he didn't fold my clothes exactly like I wanted him too.

I start to hate my job. I withdraw from talking to coworkers and I pout through a lot of the day.

I get frustrated easily with the dogs. They bark too much and eat too much (I realize I am irrational).

I start to compare myself to others. They have more, they make more, they drive better cars.

I drive a two door car. It was an impulse buy two years ago and it's completely impractical. I am dying for a new car. It literally hurts to load BG into that car and I'm so over it.

I went car shopping on Saturday and came home empty handed. I couldn't stop crying.

Then on Sunday, our sermon was on God's gifts that He gives to us. How there is no bad gift. That combined with something Mr. Perfect said to me on Saturday as I stood in our driveway crying like a spoiled brat (wow, I'm writing a super flattering post tonite huh?!), really hit me like a ton of bricks.

Who am I to complain because I don't have designer clothes like so many others? Because I don't drive a brand new car? Because my child won't go to sleep at night because she'd rather be up with us?

There are so many people that are still waiting for their perfect match. That still have empty arms waiting for a child. That don't have a job and a roof over their head. That don't have a car.

What kind of brat am I that I think I should just have it all?

The thing is, the sin that I struggle with the most, is coveting what others have.

I'm fine with my job. If I see someone that makes more money, I want their job.

I'm fine with my clothes. Til I see people wearing a new outfit everyday.

You see where I'm going?

So sometimes, I have to smack myself and let reality sink in. I step away from the computer and focus on how blessed I am. And I am so blessed. I know this. I know I have an amazing husband, an incredible daughter, a nice home, a reliable car...

Sometimes I just need a swift kick in the head to remind me.

13 comments:

Kara said...

That is one of my biggest struggles, and no matter where we get, someone will always have more...or less. It's not the "stuff," it's the portrayed ease of lifestyle that seems to get to me. I have just had to quit reading about so many people and focus on my life. Good luck finding a car, it's nasty out there!

Kara said...

I should have added that I firmly believe that satan uses jealousy to keep us from experiencing joy in our own lives. It's so powerful, and very overshadowing of the blessings that we do have.

No Longer Newlyweds. said...

Rest assured, everyone deals with this on their own level. I have to remind myself all the time that there will ALWAYS be people out there that have more. I have to remind myself to ignore the rat race of life and try to be content with what I have. I snap out of it, just like you did...and put a smile on my face again.

Hang in there.

Cari said...

I struggle with this just about every day. I don't know why but I do. It is time for me to be thankful for what I have as well.

Good post!

Wendy said...

I feel like you wrote this about me! Thank you for being so honest.

I try to remember that if God gave me everything I wanted exactly when I wanted it, I would grow bored and have nothing to look forward to. I would not be nearly as thankful when I actually got what I was hoping for!

Thank you for your post and making us all stop and remember our blessings and gifts from God!

Kirby said...

I'm with Wendy on this one too! I feel like you also wrote this about me! I let everything get me so frustrated and take it out on my hubs and feel awful about it too. It takes a big wake up call to get me to snap out of it and that is thinking about how lucky I am to just have a healthy family and a roof over my head and my bills paid! Wonderful post! Have a great day!

Laura said...

I understand where you're coming from. Since I wasn't able to get a job when I got to Arkansas its been hard for me not to worry about money. I want so much, but I have to be realistic. Luckily we have great health insurance in the military and having a baby will literally cost MAYBE $40. Aside from that though I can't just go out and buy a bunch of designer stuff. Matter of fact, I almost always refuse to spend more than $25 on a shirt or more than $45 on a pair of jeans. Heck, you're lucky if I'll spend that! Only if I NEED it. All of our income is from my husband right now. Sometimes it makes me feel worthless because I have a 4 year degree and nothing to do with it currently, but sometimes I think about how one day I will be able to work again and things will be easier for me to deal with. Then I just look at my life and think, you know what, we're perfectly content financially. We each have a car that works great. We have a nice apartment. I'm lucky enough to be living a life where even without a job we aren't struggling by any means. Why would I ever complain?

Your post helped me remember that, so thanks! Sorry I ranted! Glad you were honest and posted this though. :)

Amber said...

Good post, thanks for being honest and sharing! I have these same feelings at times too....and I struggle with the same questions! Then I take a minute to realize that my life is what I created adn I am so proud of it :) You are exactly right---a loving husband and perfect child....who needs new clothes or cars? ;) Thanks for posting!

...::Heather @ Mrs. Southern Bride::... said...

I have the same feelings from time to time. Usually, when I take a step back I'm always reminded of all the wonderful blessings that we DO have. It helps keep things in perspective! :)

Hayley said...

Aaaaahhh, great post...so honest!

I think most of us battle the same thing...so you are not alone :-)

Practically Perfect... said...

I think that sometimes, we all need a swift kick in the head :-)

Jenni said...

Stumbled upon your blog and enjoyed this post. I struggle with contentment myself, and this is coming from someone who just went from being a poor/broke/waitress/college student to marrying a slightly older, more established man and suddenly having what most people work their whole lives for and may never have. It definitely says something about ME that I'm STILL always looking for more. But I'm learning that NO MATTER WHAT WE HAVE, discontentment finds a way to worm it's way in. I suppose it's human nature. Just yesterday I decided to set aside a small portion of time every morning to prayer/meditation, during which time I talk to God, ask him for what it is I want, meditate on those things and think about why I want them. After that, I attempt to go the rest of the day and JUST BE THANKFUL for what I have. So far so good!

I'll check back in with you now and then... thanks for the great read. :)

d.a.r. said...

I loved this blog. I think this list is fabulous because these little things are what makes you the real you--the beautiful, wonderful and gorgeous wife, friend, mama and woman.

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