Friday, June 18, 2010

struggling.

Still trying to download pictures. To a picture fiend like me, my card not working is absolutely unacceptable.

But apparently it doesn't care.

I'm struggling right now y'all. Not going to lie.

I am absolutely exhausted. I mean, I realize I'm not exhausted, but I am pretty freakin' tired. And my child sleeps at night so I have no idea what I would do if she didn't.

My problem is my new schedule is killing me smalls. Flat killing me. I now get up each morning by 5.30. Every. single. morning.

Gone are the days of sleeping in, and while my babe is completely worth it, I am a sleepy creature! I would give up food for sleep and that's saying something. I lurve sleep. I would marry sleep and have it's babies. Of course if I had another baby I'd get less sleep, so maybe sleep and I should just get married and remain childless.

See. I'm delusional.

As I was saying (back on track girl, you can do it...), I'm up each morning at 5.30 am. I remember when I used to get home at 5.30. Those were the days... because then I slept til 2. That's pm.

I'm never going to get this story told.

I've found that I need to be showered and ready to start the day by the time Baby Girl gets up at six, so I get up at 5.30 and hit the shower and get dressed. At 6, she gets up and eats. By the time she finishes it's about 6.30. I get her changed and dressed and then she plays for a while while I pump. I've found that if I get up a few minutes earlier, I can pump before she even gets up so that she can have my full attention during play time. But then I miss 20 more minutes of sleep. I think about this sleep thing way too much... Then I finish getting ready while BG chills in the bouncy chair watching me.

On days that BG doesn't go to daycare and stays home with me (Tuesday & Sat) or the days we go in late to daycare (Monday), I put her back down for a nap about 7.15 and I crawl back into bed til she gets up again at 9. Those days are my best friends.

On the other days, I try to get her to daycare by 7.30 because I know she's ready for a nap by that point. I love my mornings with her though and sometimes drag them out too long sending her into a lack of sleep meltdown.

And then I hand her to the sitter. ;)

I kid.

Kind of.

Anyway. I get off at 5 or 5.30 and pick up BG if Mr. Perfect hasn't yet. When I get home, it's time to feed her and then all I want to do is play with her. Some where in there I throw in some dinner. Then she usually catnaps between 8 and 9 and I can get some housework done.

Some is not acceptable. I am a clean freak.

She eats last at 9 and then it's bedtime for her. She's in the bed by ten.

And I'm so tired I can't see straight. But there's so much still left to do; bottles need to be washed, diaper bag needs to be packed up, house needs tending to, dogs need some attention...

It never ends. And did you see me write work out in that time?

No. Because I cannot find the time. And I miss working out something fierce, but I cannot tear myself away from her at night because I haven't seen her all day.

I am out of hours in the day and I'm running on E. I think it's why I'm trying to get sick right now. I'm just burning the wick on both ends and it's not working.

My problem is a scheduling issue. I just cannot possibly get it all done. There is no way. Unfortunately God only gave me two hands and I need about six. And it's killing me to not get it all done. I feel like so much in my life is being let down right now.

I rush out of work at five now and I feel like I'm letting my co-workers down because I refuse to stay late. I miss my kid. My poor dogs haven't been on a run in forever. I feel like I'm letting them down. I have almost no time to just sit down and watch a movie with Mr. Perfect or just sit and talk to him and that's hurting us. I feel so disconnected right now. I have no time to go running and I miss it. Big time. I feel so much better about myself when I'm running and I just plain feel better. Plus, while I'm a huge fan of muffins, I'm not feeling the one that is currently residing on my waistline. Ga-ross.

Everything will be fine. I get that. It's just this transition is wearing me down. And it's making me angry at those around me. Not cool devil man. Leave this girl alone.

Just needed to vent. Now I'm going to take a nap at the office over lunch. Judge away. I'm too tired to care!

8 comments:

Resisting Perfection said...

I feel your frustration through the computer girl. I can totally relate as I recall all those late nights and many obligations all too well. Life with an infant is hard, bottom line. It DOES get better. It's never easy for sure but you get a routine down and then as you learn your routine, you find short-cuts. If you have to, hire someone to come help with the cleaning, even if it's only a few tasks it can help a ton. You'll get through this, I promise! (I say this as I'm currently fa-reaking out about adding a newborn to our already hectic life with one toddler!).

Brown Girl said...

Awe you poor sweet thing, I so wish I could sympathize with you but I have no clue what you are going through. I did decide from reading your post that you should quit your job, move to Texas, you and BG hang out with this BG all day.

I'm sorry, it will get better and until it does we will be here to listen to you vent all you want! xoxo

Kara said...

LOL-I so dread going back to work and I count every single day. A friend told me that being a sane mom is about having lots of "hats" and knowing when and where to wear each hat! I am trying to do one chore a day plus dishes and laundry daily, and a general daily pick up. The house is driving me crazy though!

Mandy said...

This time is just plain miserable I know! It will get better though. Once she starts going to bed earlier you have lots more time to get things done. Hang there!

Practically Perfect... said...

You are amazing - I don't know how you do it! I think I would turn into a raging crazy person! I really love my sleep and I can become pretty selfish when I don't get it - I'm guessing that changes when you have kids though :-)

Kristin said...

This too shall pass doll...I'm ready to do it all over again if that says anything!

No Longer Newlyweds. said...

I hope my STRUGGLE post didn't inspire your STRUGGLE post. You are such a trooper because I don't know how you're holding up...being pulled in so many directions, exhausted and missing E all day. But, you do what you have to do. You'll find the time. You'll go without sleep if it means more time with E. You can do it!

prashant said...

This time is just plain miserable I know! It will get better though.
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