a no good morning.

Yesterday I had a breakdown.

I have a bad habit of misplacing my keys. A bad one. It happens way too often.

I also have a bad habit of losing my temper. Yet another thing that happens far too often.

As I said in my post yesterday, my head is a mess these days. Add to the fact that BG is sick again and sleeping like crap again which means I'm sleeping like crap again, and well, I had a breakdown.

Thursday morning BG woke up at 3 am coughing her brains out. I went and got her and went ahead and did a treatment to see if we could open up her airway. It seemed to help a bit but it also wound her up big time.

Yay Albuterol.

Once she finally passed out again (in my bed no less), it was six and she had to be up in thirty minutes anyway.

I tried to let her sleep a bit because I knew she was beyond tired. Heck, I was beyond tired and just wanted five minutes of peace and quiet.

Eventually I woke her up and got her settled for breakfast while I finished getting ready. Once she was all set to go, we loaded up and headed for the door.

Only I couldn't find my keys. Anywhere.

Truth? my house is a wreck right now. I am too tired to deal with it. So it should come as no surprise that there was a ton of clean laundry waiting to be put up on the couch.

That had somehow fell and covered my keys. Super fun.

Y'all, I lost it. I was so upset. All my recent frustrations and my fatigue just caught up with me and I could not make it stop.

I looked down at my toddler who was horrified. Horrified y'all and it made it worse.

We are talking full on ugly cry. UGLY.

By this point both BG and I are so upset that we can't breathe. I tried to calm down enough to put her on the couch with a movie so I could step away and compose myself.

Finally we were both ready to begin our day. Finally.

I got down on her level and apologized and tried to make her understand that Mommy is okay but just got upset for a minute. She just looked at me with those big blue eyes and tried to keep her lip from quivering as she said "okay".

Broke my heart. And then it hit. That freaking Mommy guilt.

All day long my heart ached for her and her seeing me so upset. I worried about if she had calmed down, if she'd remember it, if she'd place that sight of me over the ones of my laughing with her and swinging her and playing with her.

I don't think she will, but it's still a nagging thought.

This is why Mom's need time away. Because we are only human with real emotions and real issues that have to be dealt with. And not with our toddlers around.

Of course I took her a surprise when I picked her up and she ran straight for me as usual so I'm pretty sure that morning was already forgotten. By her at least.

This job is hard. There are good days and bad days. Yesterday? was a bad day. Surely that means we are due for some great ones here soon huh?

words.

My head is a mess these days. A big 'ol mess.

I'm having a hard time dealing with my Grandma's death. I guess that's normal. This is true to form for me. The last person really close to me that died about did me in because I had no idea how to handle it. I just miss her.

I opened the pantry the other day and went digging for something. In the back was a birthday card from my Grandma. The last one she sent me. I remember opening it back in September and getting choked up because even back then, I knew. I knew that would be the last one she sent me. So I crammed it in the back of the pantry, swallowed my tears, and headed into the kitchen with Mr. P and the Little. Only to find it months later and be all choked up again. Yay.

She is everywhere. Everywhere. She's in outfits that BG wears that she bought, the ring on my finger that used to be hers, hell even in my bony hands. Everywhere.

I know this gets easier, heck, maybe it doesn't. But if it doesn't, don't tell me k?

I freaking hate cancer. I hate it. I hated it back when I would see dogs and cats be diagnosed with it and I hate it even more now that it's shattered my world. I hate it.

Our current sermon series is titled "Overwhelmed". Umm yes please. I can't even tell you how close this is hitting home for me. My anxiety lately has been through the roof and I can't even put my finger on why. Well I can, but I'm not quite to blogging that just yet.

There are lots of things going on in my little world that I feel I have no control over. For this girl, no control is a fate only slightly less harsh than death. I like things on a list and on my planner that can be checked off. I do not like things out of my comfort zone. Too much lately is out of my comfort zone. Me no likey.

BG is currently obsessed with the pig movie "Gordy". I sort of can't take it. Probably because we have watched it no less than once a day since she discovered it. This is Mr. P's fault. He now thinks it's hilarious to mention the pig to her every morning so she'll ask to watch "PIG!" and make me crazy. Those two...

BG has another ear infection. Less than two months after getting tubes. It is so bad that it is back in her eyes again. The other morning she woke up screaming "my eyes!!" only for me to turn the lights on and discover they were matted shut. I am so ready for summer y'all. I can't take anymore sickness.

As if the ears weren't enough, her cough is back with a vengeance. So sleep is pretty minimal these days as every night around 3 am brings on a huge coughing fit. We are all so, so tired.

Next weekend is St. Patrick's Day and I'll be with my best friends for one of my favorite events. This is getting me through...

That's all I've got.

23 months.

My sweet baby girl you are 23 months old! I cannot even fathom the fact that you will be two in one short month.

This past month you have really become less "baby" and way more "little girl". You speak in sentences most of the time and we have very few times where we are at a complete loss for what you're saying. You are very opinionated. And you want your opinion heard. Loudly.

You are so funny. And you know it. We hear "Ella's funny!" many, many times a day.

You are on a slight Princess kick. Of course you think most girls are Princesses (as they are) so we hear many people get that title through the day.

You love your baby dolls. You have such a sweet, nurturing spirit. You also love babies. You got so excited to meet MB this month and you talked about her for days.

You still have excellent manners. You say grace before meals, prayers before bedtime, thank you, bless you, and you're welcome. We're working on ma'am and sir now instead of "what?" when your name is called.

You still call us Mommy and Daddy but if you call us for too long and we don't answer, you will scream our actual names until you get our attention. Then you're sweet as pie again.

You still like to jump, run, and dance most of the day. You never sit still.

You are very loud and crazy at home but when you get around other kiddos, you take more of a backseat approach. If they want a toy you have, nine times out of ten you just give it to them. You are very laid back in those situations.

You love your school buddies. LOVE them. Us Moms actually just made sure you girls will stick together in class next year and y'all are going to love that.

You have zero interest in the potty. We actually went backwards on this but that's fine. Everything I've been told has said to let you lead the way so we shall do just that.

You are still an excellent sleeper and eater. A big Hallelujah for that.

You really like to color now.

You still really like to sing and will now just start singing by yourself. I love hearing your little voice sing "Tinkle Stars" and the "Bider song" over and over.

STATS:

Height: 34 ish inches

Weight: 33 ish pounds

Sleep: still sleeping 13 or so hours at night with a one to two hour nap a day.

Foods: Faves haven't really changed. Will eat breakfast most mornings if the cartoons are on. You eat what we eat for lunch and dinner.

Teeth: No idea. I think we're still down an eye tooth. No second molars yet.

Clothes: 2T and 3T. You still have short legs so you can still wear 24 month pants. You did not get that long torso from me.

Favorite toys: Anything "Princess", baby dolls, your baby stroller, balls, purses, jewelry, coloring books, stickers, shoes.


I know this is a short monthly update but it's hard to update on everything you do child. Sometimes I forget how young you are because you are so independent. You want to go get everything for us, do everything yourself, and figure all things out on your own. You are a headstrong one child, but we wouldn't change you for the world.

One more month til you are two. How is that even possible??

Project 366: Weeks 8 &9

WEEK 8
Sunday, February 19th:

Watching a Sunday afternoon movie with my best girl.

Monday, February 20th:

Nice.

Tuesday, February 21st:

BG and I ventured into town to meet sweet MB. To say BG was in love with her would be an understatement.

Wednesday, February 22nd:

I love that her hair is finally long enough for pigtails.

Thursday, February 23rd:

We stopped by the park on the way home one afternoon because it was ridiculous nice outside. I cannot believe how big she looks in this picture. Look at those long legs!

Friday, February 24th:

Switching out the Fall to Spring wardrobes and getting stuff ready to sell. Somehow this is the only picture I took this day.

Saturday, February 25th:

I adore these moments as they hardly ever happen anymore.

WEEK 9
Sunday, February 26th:

I took BG by the aquarium on the way out of town. She loved it and had so much fun running around to see all of the different fish.

Monday, February 27th:

Entertaining herself while waiting on dinner.

Tuesday, February 28th:

Ignore the fact that the potty is currently just a play seat and check out that outfit. Mr. P got the little up and ready for school this morning. And dressed. She actually had red shoes on earlier because he lets her pick out most of her clothes. I thought it was so funny that her teachers at school knew he dressed her that day. They loved it. Truth be told, so did I. I don't care what she's wearing when I know they're enjoying time together.

Wednesday, February 29th:

She is ALL girl and I love it.

Thursday, March 1st:

BG's St. Patrick's Day outfit is here!!

Friday, March 2nd:

Love.

Saturday, March 3rd:

We were out of town for the weekend and it was rainy and gross the whole time. The lighting was awful but I did manage to catch this adorable shot of my little love. Her face is just too precious.

a work in progress.

When I was younger, I honestly thought that all the Moms around me had it all figured out.

When you're a kid, you're pretty selfish. I never thought that my Mom or my friend's Moms maybe had unsettled thoughts or really, any thoughts that didn't have to do with us kids.

I know, I know.

Now that I am a Mom, I realize that couldn't be further from the truth.

I adore my child. Seriously, I do. I tend to think that she is about the coolest kid out there. Not to mention the smartest, the prettiest, and the funniest. She's my child. Of course I think all that. But I got to be honest. Sometimes, all I want to do is think about me. Not her, for just five seconds.

Wow. How incredibly selfish do I sound?

See, I'm still a work in progress. I'm almost 30 and I'm still not where I thought I would be at this point in life. I've made different decisions than I ever thought I would. But what's done is done. That doesn't mean though, that I should settle. I need to keep working.

There are times when I need to just be "me" instead of "Mom". When I need to ride with all the windows down and the radio blaring (obviously when I'm alone in the car). When I need to go have drinks with my girlfriends. When I just need a break.

I was "me" for 27 years before I was "Mom". But even in 27 years, I didn't perfect who I was. I'm still working on that.

The most important thing I will ever do for BG is be a strong, confident woman for her to look up to. To be strong in my faith, my marriage, and true to myself. I cannot be all those things if I don't take the "Mom" hat off every once in a while and work on the "wife", "friend", and "me" hats.

I went to the movies with a couple of friends last night and left BG with Mr. P. After the movie, I got in my car, opened all the windows, and cranked up some Train and headed home. Only my favorite song came on so I had to do a couple loops around the neighborhood while I listened and sang my little heart out.

It felt good. It felt like old times. And truth be told, it gave me just enough of a glimpse of that younger me to recharge me to go back to "Mom" me.

Does that even make sense?

I'm a Mom now. Duh. But I'm still M. The girl who loves music, nights out, the beach, soccer, animals, and so many other things that used to be more important to me than anything. Obviously they rank lower now, but I need to still delve into those things. My passions make me who I am.

I'm still working on me. Fortunately, all that time and attention makes me a better person, therefore a better wife and Mom. Which is what the people I love deserve. It's a win for all of us.