Friday, March 9, 2012

a no good morning.

Yesterday I had a breakdown.

I have a bad habit of misplacing my keys. A bad one. It happens way too often.

I also have a bad habit of losing my temper. Yet another thing that happens far too often.

As I said in my post yesterday, my head is a mess these days. Add to the fact that BG is sick again and sleeping like crap again which means I'm sleeping like crap again, and well, I had a breakdown.

Thursday morning BG woke up at 3 am coughing her brains out. I went and got her and went ahead and did a treatment to see if we could open up her airway. It seemed to help a bit but it also wound her up big time.

Yay Albuterol.

Once she finally passed out again (in my bed no less), it was six and she had to be up in thirty minutes anyway.
IMG_20120308_063429

I tried to let her sleep a bit because I knew she was beyond tired. Heck, I was beyond tired and just wanted five minutes of peace and quiet.

Eventually I woke her up and got her settled for breakfast while I finished getting ready. Once she was all set to go, we loaded up and headed for the door.

Only I couldn't find my keys. Anywhere.

Truth? my house is a wreck right now. I am too tired to deal with it. So it should come as no surprise that there was a ton of clean laundry waiting to be put up on the couch.

That had somehow fell and covered my keys. Super fun.

Y'all, I lost it. I was so upset. All my recent frustrations and my fatigue just caught up with me and I could not make it stop.

I looked down at my toddler who was horrified. Horrified y'all and it made it worse.

We are talking full on ugly cry. UGLY.

By this point both BG and I are so upset that we can't breathe. I tried to calm down enough to put her on the couch with a movie so I could step away and compose myself.

Finally we were both ready to begin our day. Finally.

I got down on her level and apologized and tried to make her understand that Mommy is okay but just got upset for a minute. She just looked at me with those big blue eyes and tried to keep her lip from quivering as she said "okay".

Broke my heart. And then it hit. That freaking Mommy guilt.

All day long my heart ached for her and her seeing me so upset. I worried about if she had calmed down, if she'd remember it, if she'd place that sight of me over the ones of my laughing with her and swinging her and playing with her.

I don't think she will, but it's still a nagging thought.

This is why Mom's need time away. Because we are only human with real emotions and real issues that have to be dealt with. And not with our toddlers around.

Of course I took her a surprise when I picked her up and she ran straight for me as usual so I'm pretty sure that morning was already forgotten. By her at least.

This job is hard. There are good days and bad days. Yesterday? was a bad day. Surely that means we are due for some great ones here soon huh?

11 comments:

Sarah said...

I have had more of those moments than I would like to admit... But life happens, and sometimes it's not all rainbows. Just like you don't get mad at E for having an off day, you're her Mama! She loves you lady, always, so don't be so hard on yourself. Hate that you're having such a rough time. It *will* get better. Praying for ya girl.

Lindsey said...

Oh mama I feel you on this!!! I hope sweet babe is feeling better and that you can get some "me " time this weekend to relax and unwind- that's what I needed and my mom thankfully helped me with that today- I had such a short fuse!

Mandy said...

I hope you have some better days soon! This mom stuff is ROUGH and I lose it more than I should as well. Except when I do now, Little M always tells me to "Stop screaming Mommy, talking nicely" Ouch...always puts me in my place! Dont' be tough on yourself...they will remember the good days more than the bad

A.B. said...

Girl, I feel you. Totally feel you. There are lots of things that make me lose my mind. I can only imagine the momguilt. My mom guilt level is always high.

Thinking of you... and calmer days and maybe a few hours to yourself, are coming soon! Any chance you are in the atl next week on Thurs morning? I will be.

A.B. said...

Girl, I feel you. Totally feel you. There are lots of things that make me lose my mind. I can only imagine the momguilt. My mom guilt level is always high.

Thinking of you... and calmer days and maybe a few hours to yourself, are coming soon! Any chance you are in the atl next week on Thurs morning? I will be.

Brown Girl said...

I don't even have skin kids and I'm losing my mind half the time, hang in there girl, I'm thinking about ya!

No Longer Newlyweds. said...

The guilt is tough. I spanked Jude last week. Almost. Killed. Me.

Lucy Marie said...

Mom guilt is hardcore. I haven't yet had a situation quite like this, but from the outside looking in, I think it's okay. It is important for kids to see their parents dealingwith real emotions, I think ... although I also know that in your shoes, I would feel the same way. I am praying you had a chance to get some R&R this weekend and rejuvenate yourself a bit. xoxo

Maria said...

I hate days like that! Why didn't anyone tells us Motherhood was this HARD?! Hopefully she starts feeling better (and sleeping better!) soon. Wish we lived closer and I'd totally treat you and me to a much-needed spa day. (I've never had one but I hear they are great.)
Hugs!

Samantha said...

Hope you get some "M-time" soon!!!

Jen Watts said...

I always feel so guilty when I lose my patience around Carsyn, but you know, that's REAL LIFE. They're going to have to realize things aren't perfect all the time eventually.

YES, moms need a break...whether its a full week vacation or an hour reading alone!

Love you momma!

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