I have a bad habit of misplacing my keys. A bad one. It happens way too often.
I also have a bad habit of losing my temper. Yet another thing that happens far too often.
As I said in my post yesterday, my head is a mess these days. Add to the fact that BG is sick again and sleeping like crap again which means I'm sleeping like crap again, and well, I had a breakdown.
Thursday morning BG woke up at 3 am coughing her brains out. I went and got her and went ahead and did a treatment to see if we could open up her airway. It seemed to help a bit but it also wound her up big time.
Once she finally passed out again (in my bed no less), it was six and she had to be up in thirty minutes anyway.
I tried to let her sleep a bit because I knew she was beyond tired. Heck, I was beyond tired and just wanted five minutes of peace and quiet.
Eventually I woke her up and got her settled for breakfast while I finished getting ready. Once she was all set to go, we loaded up and headed for the door.
Only I couldn't find my keys. Anywhere.
Truth? my house is a wreck right now. I am too tired to deal with it. So it should come as no surprise that there was a ton of clean laundry waiting to be put up on the couch.
That had somehow fell and covered my keys. Super fun.
Y'all, I lost it. I was so upset. All my recent frustrations and my fatigue just caught up with me and I could not make it stop.
I looked down at my toddler who was horrified. Horrified y'all and it made it worse.
We are talking full on ugly cry. UGLY.
By this point both BG and I are so upset that we can't breathe. I tried to calm down enough to put her on the couch with a movie so I could step away and compose myself.
Finally we were both ready to begin our day. Finally.
I got down on her level and apologized and tried to make her understand that Mommy is okay but just got upset for a minute. She just looked at me with those big blue eyes and tried to keep her lip from quivering as she said "okay".
Broke my heart. And then it hit. That freaking Mommy guilt.
All day long my heart ached for her and her seeing me so upset. I worried about if she had calmed down, if she'd remember it, if she'd place that sight of me over the ones of my laughing with her and swinging her and playing with her.
I don't think she will, but it's still a nagging thought.
This is why Mom's need time away. Because we are only human with real emotions and real issues that have to be dealt with. And not with our toddlers around.
Of course I took her a surprise when I picked her up and she ran straight for me as usual so I'm pretty sure that morning was already forgotten. By her at least.
This job is hard. There are good days and bad days. Yesterday? was a bad day. Surely that means we are due for some great ones here soon huh?