Thursday, March 8, 2012

words.

My head is a mess these days. A big 'ol mess.

I'm having a hard time dealing with my Grandma's death. I guess that's normal. This is true to form for me. The last person really close to me that died about did me in because I had no idea how to handle it. I just miss her.

I opened the pantry the other day and went digging for something. In the back was a birthday card from my Grandma. The last one she sent me. I remember opening it back in September and getting choked up because even back then, I knew. I knew that would be the last one she sent me. So I crammed it in the back of the pantry, swallowed my tears, and headed into the kitchen with Mr. P and the Little. Only to find it months later and be all choked up again. Yay.

She is everywhere. Everywhere. She's in outfits that BG wears that she bought, the ring on my finger that used to be hers, hell even in my bony hands. Everywhere.

I know this gets easier, heck, maybe it doesn't. But if it doesn't, don't tell me k?

I freaking hate cancer. I hate it. I hated it back when I would see dogs and cats be diagnosed with it and I hate it even more now that it's shattered my world. I hate it.

Our current sermon series is titled "Overwhelmed". Umm yes please. I can't even tell you how close this is hitting home for me. My anxiety lately has been through the roof and I can't even put my finger on why. Well I can, but I'm not quite to blogging that just yet.

There are lots of things going on in my little world that I feel I have no control over. For this girl, no control is a fate only slightly less harsh than death. I like things on a list and on my planner that can be checked off. I do not like things out of my comfort zone. Too much lately is out of my comfort zone. Me no likey.

BG is currently obsessed with the pig movie "Gordy". I sort of can't take it. Probably because we have watched it no less than once a day since she discovered it. This is Mr. P's fault. He now thinks it's hilarious to mention the pig to her every morning so she'll ask to watch "PIG!" and make me crazy. Those two...

BG has another ear infection. Less than two months after getting tubes. It is so bad that it is back in her eyes again. The other morning she woke up screaming "my eyes!!" only for me to turn the lights on and discover they were matted shut. I am so ready for summer y'all. I can't take anymore sickness.

As if the ears weren't enough, her cough is back with a vengeance. So sleep is pretty minimal these days as every night around 3 am brings on a huge coughing fit. We are all so, so tired.

Next weekend is St. Patrick's Day and I'll be with my best friends for one of my favorite events. This is getting me through...

That's all I've got.

14 comments:

Mandy said...

Hugs momma...hope you are able to just relax and enjoy next weekend

Britt said...

So sorry about your grandma :( I hope everything starts getting better for you!

On a brighter note... I love Pattys day too! Enjoy it!

Samantha said...

Sorry about your Grandma. I know it's hard.

Hang in there. Spring is on the way!

Rachel said...

Praying for you sweetie.

Ashley E. said...

Hugs. I'm sorry. :(

SEL said...

Oh friend. You know I empathize greatly.

I'm so sorry you're sad. Remember our emails though: how lucky we are to have had such great women in our lives, that we then miss them so dearly after they pass.

Jen Watts said...

ugh! this hits way too close to home for me as my grandma has been in the hospital for several weeks..NOTHING helps the fact that she likely will not be coming home. While hugs and kisses from baby girl help me put things in perspective, I'm still quite pissed at the world and having frequent private pity parties. I might need to load up and spend st pattys day with you ;)

Hugs friend!!

Maria said...

Overwhelmed? Full of anxiety? Dealing with grief? No control? Those words pretty much sum up my life for the past... year! It is so hard sometimes and there seems to be no end in sight. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and letting me know I am not alone. I just keep praying and hoping things get better. Will pray for you too and send (virtual) hugs :)

Tiff said...

Love you, friend! Let me know if you need to talk. :)

Milltini said...

BIG HUG! These things are hard. Take your time and allow yourself to hurt. Don't be too hard on yourself, you aren't a mess. This is a tough thing to go through, but you are not alone. XOXO

Mrs. Pretty said...

I'm so very sorry, friend. I'll continue to think of you & hope for health and peace for you all.

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I can totally relate to hating not being in control. It's tough! The last 3 years of my life should have taught me that I'm not the one in control but yet it's a daily struggle...I'll be praying for you!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Sounds like we had similar meltdowns this week :)

LG said...

Bless! I do not think I can take anymore sickness either! These ear infections are doing me in! Peebs always gets it in his eyes too!

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