one year.

It's been one year since I lost my Grandma. One year since I got the phone call that changed my life. One year since my Dad and his sisters lost their Mom.

One year in which she wasn't at parties, birthdays, or holidays. One year in which she didn't call just to check in. One year in which visits to Savannah didn't consist of visits with her. One year in which Georgia football had one less, very enthusiastic, fan cheering them on.

If I could pick one word for last year, it would be loss. Between the loss of my Grandma, friends, Mr. P's grandfather, jobs, and a home we loved, 2012 was hard. And sort of awful. I spent a lot of last year counting in terms of "without". My first birthday without my Grandma. First party thrown without her help. First Christmas without her. The whole year had an overall sense of sadness.

Now, it's a new year. And since so far it's already started off a bit better than 2012, I'm hoping it will be a year with a bit more positive spin on it. One can only hope anyway.

It's been one year. One year and I still miss her more than I even knew possible. One year and I still can't think of her without my throat getting tight. One year.

I miss you Grandma. That's really what it boils down to. I just plain miss her.

project 365: 2012 wrap-up

So I clearly quit posting my Project 365, but I did keep taking the pictures. So for grins and giggles, I'm posting them. Let's wrap up 2012 shall we?

WEEK 47:
Sunday, November 25th: Hanging out after church.
Monday, November 26th: A little Daddy/daughter tv time.
Tuesday, November 27th: She was doing a little morning entertaining before heading to school.
Wednesday, November 28th: Isn't this how everyone eats and watches tv?
Thursday, November 29th: Hanging out with her bud at the park.
Friday, November 30th: Reading to Dad while waiting on the Christmas program to start at church.
Saturday, December 1st: Playing with her best friend at the mall play place.

WEEK 48:
Sunday, December 2nd: Waiting on the Christmas parade in Anderson to start.
Monday, December 3rd: Sweet sleepy baby.
Tuesday, December 4th: Christmas clothes!!
Wednesday, December 5th: The rule about taking off one accessory before walking out the door is obsolete in this girls mind. She loves layers.
Thursday, December 6th: Love my girl so hard.
Friday, December 7th: Only picture of the day. TV time from the couch = bliss.
Saturday, December 8th: She loves animals. She couldn't get enough of the sheep at the Live Nativity.

WEEK 49:
Sunday, December 9th: Suckers in the tub is pure genius. Mess problem solved.
Monday, December 10th: Dinner shenanigans with the bff.
Tuesday, December 11th: Apparently I like pictures of sleeping babies...
Wednesday, December 12th: The elves brought a gift!
Thursday, December 13th: A super long, trying day means the little and I have a McDonalds picnic on the floor while watching a movie.
Friday, December 14th: Oh look, she sleeps.
Saturday, December 15th: The baby Jesus from the Nativity is supposed to be in the manger, but you can tell BG's been around when he's in "his Mama's arms". Sweet girl.

WEEK 50:
Sunday, December 16th: She is so cool.
Monday, December 17th: We hit the Christmas card jack pot this day! BG loved opening them all.
Tuesday, December 18th: My angel after her Christmas play.
Wednesday, December 19th: When did she get so grown?!
Thursday, December 20th: Reindeer cupcakes for BG's class.
Friday, December 21st: While waiting for the doctor to fix her arm, the little passed out cold on her Mama. While I miss the cuddles, I did not like her being in so much pain. :(
Saturday, December 22nd: Waiting in line to see Santa!

WEEK 51:
Sunday, December 23rd: My poor sick girl :(
Monday, December 24th: Heading back to the ER on Christmas Eve.
Tuesday, December 25th: The five minutes that BG felt well on Christmas she made sure to put on a show.
Wednesday, December 26th: Hanging out with her Daddy.
Thursday, December 27th: Road tripping to Maryland with my two favorite girls.
Friday, December 28th: BG running around in my boots.
Saturday, December 29th: Hanging out with my favorite niece.

WEEK 52:
Sunday, December 30th: BG loving all over the Neanderthal exhibit at the Natural History Museum in DC.
Monday, December 31st: The sister in law and I ringing in the New Year!!

Christmas Eve & Day

Christmas was not at all what I had planned this year.

Throughout the whole month of December, BG was out of her mind excited for all the Christmas festivities. She was finally at the age where doing different things was fun and got so excited to pick out the tree and see the lights and all that jazz. She was more than excited about Santa (and saw him four times) and absolutely could not wait for him to come. She also was excited for "baby Jesus' birthday" and couldn't wait to bake cookies and bake a birthday cake.

Truth be told, I was just as excited as she was.

I couldn't wait to bake cookies and make a cake and attend Christmas Eve service and put out cookies for Santa and.... well, the list goes on and on.

Then this happened. Which lead to an even higher fever which lead to us traipsing back up to the Emergency Room on Christmas Eve only to have BG diagnosed with the flu and pneumonia.

Awesome.

I was bummed out. Big time.

We skipped Christmas Eve service and picked up Chinese food on the way home. My Papa and Aunt were already in town for the holiday but we made the call to the brother and his family that they would need to stay home the next day. I was so bummed out.

We tried for a few Christmas activities but BG wasn't having it. When even a Princess ornament wouldn't crack a smile, we read the Christmas story and let her hit the hay. Without even putting on her special Christmas jammies and leaving me to put out cookies for Santa.

As soon as she went to bed, Mr. P started showing signs of the flu so I shooed him off to bed as well while I curled up with a tv show and some wine. Not what I had planned.

The next morning, BG woke up as foul as she'd gone to bed and her mood didn't lighten much during the day. She opened a few presents but she really was not interested. I felt awful for my grandfather and aunt who had come all this way, but I had no idea this was going to happen.
My poor baby felt AWFUL. I freaking loathe the flu.
The day wasn't all bad though. There were a few laughs and BG did enjoy herself at times. She was the most excited about her two FurReal animals (I so hope she always loves animals this much!) and her Princess dress up shoes. Oh. And that microphone. Whose idea was that thing?!?

Poor Mr. P never even made it out of bed and once my aunt and granddad headed to the beach for Christmas with the brothers' family, the little and I curled up for a nap in the chair.

I had built up Christmas so much in my head because I knew she would enjoy it this year and it did not turn out at all like I'd planned. Also, this was the first Christmas without my Grandma and truth be told, I just plain needed the activity to not miss her so much. All the quiet of this Christmas led to too much thinking and I ended the night in tears.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat, I realize that, but I'm really not. It wasn't about the gifts, it wasn't even really about the activity or the fact that she didn't get to wear her special outfits; it was just hard. Hard seeing my baby so sick, hard not being able to be around family (my aunt and grandfather stuck around since they had flu shots, which apparently didn't work as they both had the flu the next week), hard not even being with Mr. P, hard missing my Grandma.

So Christmas was quiet. I did sing Happy Birthday to Jesus while BG sat curled on my lap which was pretty much the most important part of the day anyway

RSV last Christmas, the flu and pneumonia this Christmas... would it be too much to ask for a healthy kiddo next year?!?

slowing down...

If there is one thing I've learned about kids, it's that they have a way to always get sick at the inopportune time. Or if there is something you are really looking forward to, your child will probably have a way to put a crimp in your plan. Every single time.

My kid is sick. At Christmas. For the second year in a row. Seriously.

The other night, her Dad and I made plans to pick her up from school early and then take her to the mall for a bit of shopping and then a visit to Santa. Then we were going to let her spend the night at her grandparents while we got some much overdue quiet non-parent time.

Ha.

The mall was packed and BG was riding a sugar high like no other after a day at school involving not one, but two Christmas parties. We were walking through the center of the mall when BG decided she wanted to be carried and turned around to reach for her Dad. Somehow while he was pulling her toward him to pick her up, she decided to jump away from him and twist away and all hell broke loose. Literally.

She was inconsolable. At first we thought she was pissed about being picked up but it was so much worse than that. I took her to the side to see if I could calm her down and noticed she wouldn't even stand up straight. And she was sobbing hysterically. Which BG does not do.

We decided to head back to the car so I carried a bent in half toddler screaming through the mall. Good times. By the time we got to the car, she wasn't moving her arm at all and was so terribly upset that I just knew she had dislocated her shoulder or elbow. It broke my Mama heart watching her in so much pain.

So we ended up in the ER. Where she finally tired herself out enough to sleep on my chest only to be woken up in pain anytime she moved her arm. It was awful.

After about an hour, the doctor came in and told us that he thought she had a radial subluxation
, aka, Nursemaids elbow. To treat it he would just snap it back in place and if that was it, she would be back to normal in about five minutes.

Y'all. Holding her down for that just about did me in. I know there are Mamas out there that daily watch their children go through far worse and my heart goes out to you. My Mama heart could not stand watching my baby go through that. But the doctor was right; not even five minutes later, she was absolutely fine. And could not quit telling the doctor "thank you" because "he made my arm feel so much better".

The next day, we decided to attempt the Santa visit again. Mr. P had some errands to run in town so he left early and then the little and I headed in a bit later. We ran to a couple of shops first and then headed to see Santa. By the time we got there, BG was slowing down a bit and was saying how tired she was. We decided to see the big man and then reevaluate.

She climbed right up there and chatted Santa's ear off but it's obvious in the picture that she just plain out was not feeling well. A quick temperature check when we got home confirmed it; a fever. Fantastic.

Then this morning, an even higher fever causing her and I to miss the Christmas service at church and spend a very quiet day at home.

Today was supposed to be church and then lots of crafts. Yesterday was supposed to be lots of family shopping. Obviously neither day went at all like I had planned. But to be honest, I'm completely okay with it.

Now I'm not okay with my girl feeling so bad and I really, really want her better like ten minutes ago, but it has been kind of nice to spend a couple of days doing absolutely nothing. I usually have us so go go go that it's been nice to just slow it down.

Though two days is enough. I've got things to do. ;)

So that's where we are. We're buckled down and just praying BG keeps her fever down and stays out of the ER. And that we don't get sick. Family is starting to arrive and we've got a trip planned next week and I really need my girl feeling better.

Until then though, you can find me on the couch curled up next to the cutest two year old on the planet. Hope y'all are all enjoying your holidays.

Merry Christmas :)

Christmas program: cute video included

There are certain events that happen in parenthood that, to me, sort of define parenthood.

There tons of big ones and then there are little ones. Different ones to each parent. To me, there are a few things that happen that make me stop in my tracks and it hits me; "whoa.. I'm like a real parent now".

The first time I took her to get fitted for shoes was one. Buying her pair of shoes as a necessity and not because they were cute was an eye opener. Real Moms do this. The first day I sent her off to daycare was another. Packing her bag was another hit to the "real" mom category.

When we signed the list saying what we would bring to her first school party was another. And then making her Valentine's last year.

I became a Mom the minute I heard BG's heartbeat but sometimes I still get hit with the reminder when I'm doing little things with her and I get all choked up and I can't believe that I'm actually a Mom. Her Mom.

She made me a sap. I can't help it.

BG had her Christmas program Tuesday night and it was, yep, another one of those times. As Mr. P and I, Uncle Marine, Aunt Kiki, AK, and BG's Granddaddy shuffled to find seats for her program, I got that feeling again. Good grief I love being her Mom.
*she's in the center, grinning from ear to ear*

BG played an angel in the live nativity and though her part was small (minute really), she managed to steal the show pretty early on by being the only angel dancing and clapping along with the music. Watch about 20 seconds in to this video and then about 45 seconds in and then a minute in; you'll see.

She gets her inability to sit still from her Mama. Also, I got a tripod for Christmas. Mr. P's video skills will be thankful for that.

She was adorable though. And a little cheerleader for those singing. I freaking love her. She is such a special child. As she jumped around and sang along and even as she had to be reined back in over and over by her teacher's steadying hand, I was sitting there so proud I thought my heart would swell. I just plain adore that kid.

Then it was over and she couldn't wait to find us all and see how we liked her program. She knew she did good. :)

After snacks and chats with her teachers (they all LOVE BG), we headed home to let the girls play and hang out for a bit. And since the girls were rocking similar smocked dresses, we had to do a little photo shoot. These two girls in matching smocked dresses does something to my heart. I love them so.

After a while, the others left and while Mr. P got BG in bed, I looked through the videos and pictures from the night. I can't believe she's big enough to be in a Christmas program. Sigh...

Also, I sort of already can't wait for next years when she'll be old enough to sing!