Or will it stay at one?
One of the questions that I LOATHED before BG came along was "when are you guys going to have kids?". I feel like if you're married for more than, oh, half a second, you're going to start getting that question. It was a knife in my heart when someone asked at a New Year party one year that very question, two days after I had had a D & C.
Knife in chest.
I didn't feel like I would hate any question more than that.
But I do.
Once BG got to about six months old, I started getting the "have you guys thought about when you'll have another one?" question.
Now I don't mind discussing this with my friends. Or with you guys. Or with my family.
But.. the old lady behind me in TJ Maxx???
How do you answer "well it took us years to get her and we lost four babies and I'm terrified of not being able to get pregnant again and if I do get pregnant, I don't know if I can handle another loss and we don't live in the same town as my RE anymore and I'm just plain scared..." to that lady??
I always wanted a big family. I wanted at least four children.
Of course that was before, back when I thought having babies was easy. And that statement has nothing to do with raising them. Now? I am really, really good with one.
I feel so, so blessed to have her. And if she's the only one we ever have, well, that's fine. She's already more than I deserve.
However, we are not completely closed off to having more. Just not now. We aren't there yet.
Maybe we won't ever get there. I don't know. Somehow I doubt that because I already miss the newborn stage something fierce (well the non crying part), but we shall see.
I fully expect to get that question more and more as BG gets ready to turn one. For now, I'll stick with my standard laugh and "I'm good right now". Because..
I'm good right now.