Tuesday, November 27, 2012

my story.


Last week when I saw that Becky was going to be hosting this event, I got all excited and started to plan out what I would write. But it all kept feeling "blah" and I decided not to write at all. I love to share my heart on here, but right now there is so much going on that I feel all sorts of censored and I hate it. I feel like my heart isn't showing lately and that blows, because that's why I blog.

So today I'm heading back to the basics a bit. A big 'ol "about me" if you will. A way for me to share my heart and also introduce myself to a few of you new faces around here. And possibly tell you faithfuls a few things you didn't know.

I am sinner saved by Grace. Which sounds totally cliche but honestly, is the root of everything I am.

I'm a former wild child that even now has to focus on not drowning her problems with a good glass bottle of wine. I'm a woman that struggles daily with sins of her past and things that happened that I didn't deserve. I'm a control freak with anxiety issues who struggles every single second of the day with patience and not expecting too much out of the ones I love. I struggle with anger and have my whole entire life.

Not what you'd expect from a Mommy blogger huh?

It took me years to recognize that I was heading down a dangerous path. That what I thought was typical "college fun", was actually a gateway to a dark underground that I quickly found myself entangled in. The things I saw haunted me for years and if I'm totally honest, still make their way back with certain sounds and smells.

Marriage came quickly for me after meeting the love of my life, but the girl he married was a mess and marriage didn't fix her. I thank God that he sent me the man He did because anyone else would have been gone years ago.

Infertility was something I never even gave a second thought to but I quickly found myself as "one of those women" that was at weekly blood draws and shooting herself up daily with meds only to have her heart ripped out over and over again when the image on the ultrasound screen was no longer moving.

My heart was wrecked time and time again and I didn't know how to deal with it. I hurt everyone I loved because I didn't know how to express what was happening to me on the inside; I was literally dying inside. Every core of my being hurt.

I was raised in a Christian home and I've always known God but it wasn't til I hit rock bottom at the end of 2008 that I consciously gave my life to Him. I sobbed in the shower as I begged Him to forgive me for who I had become and I needed Him so, so bad. I also begged Him to watch over the life inside of me. Which He did. And then He brought it home to Him a few weeks later.

But something changed in me that day in the shower. I no longer had to do life alone. I now had the biggest Helper anyone could have.

In 2008, I found a few blogs that I started reading at work. And I decided to start my own. I didn't know what to say or how much to say because it was all so new. I had just, literally, hit rock bottom the week before I started my blog. I was in a dark, dark place the first few posts but you would never, ever know it.

I use this blog as a journal, but I also use it just to talk. To talk about what I've been through. To talk about what I'm going through. To talk about the One who carries me through it. So much of the time, I sit here and I think I have nothing in common with so many of the Mommy bloggers out there. They seem to have it all together and it seems as if they've never had a hard day in their lives.

Then I realized that with all the pretty pictures and the gushing of "I love my life!" that I do so often over here, y'all might think that about me. And that's so not true. That's not my story.

I love my life now, yes. And my life is amazing to me, but every single day is hard. We're in recovery mode after two big job changes and two big moves in two and a half years. We miss home, we miss our friends, we miss our old life. I struggle daily with what His plan is for me. I still struggle with anxiety, lack of patience, anger, and fear. I feel like my life is a big standstill while we wait to see what He has in store next.

I'm a sinner saved by Grace.

Because of that, I have a constant hope that even though things are hard right now, they are all working for a greater plan. That will blow what I thought I wanted out of the water with how great it will be.

I don't have it all together. I don't pretend to. I'm not always a perfect wife or a good mother. I blog because it is good for me. Because some of the other Mommy bloggers out there have become my dearest friends. Because I love the connections this blog has afforded me.

I also blog for the emails I get from women saying "thank you". For baring my heart. For being honest. And for keeping it real.

That's my story. It's not very pretty, but it's made me who I am. And I'm totally okay with who I am.

24 comments:

Samantha said...

LOVE this!!

Sarah said...

I'm totally ok with who you are too! Thanks for making me cry :) love you xo

Sarah said...

I'm totally ok with who you are too! Love you xo

toi said...

i salute you for your openness. this is the kind of openness i like to find in the blogsphere.

thanks for sharing your story

Jen Watts said...

Just love you girl!

Carrie said...

Amazing!!!

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

And you ARE beautiful! His creation! Love you, friend!

Gina said...

This is my favorite post of yours.

I don't think it will surprise you when I say I completely relate to almost all of it.

XOXO

Lindsey B said...

Did you steal my identity? Because this post is me. It is me to the core. Dark days, bad life decisions, infertility, miscarriage, a man that is a saint for staying by my side, and redemption.

Love you friend.

Tara said...

I felt like I was reading about myself. THANK YOU for sharing!! Cant wait to read more!!

www.taranbrandon.blogspot.com

No Longer Newlyweds. said...

Love

No Longer Newlyweds. said...

Love.

KellyMichelle said...

Found your blog from the linkup and I loved your post. It gave me chills. I also struggle with anger and as a newlywed, I pray my husband has the patience to stick by me while I work on my issues.
Thank you for inspiring me to look to God for strength.

www.whentimeisright.blogspot.com

Emily said...

Love this! Thank you.

Emily said...

Thank you for this.

Lauren said...

This was so completely raw and honest and beautiful! Love you, friend!! Xo :)

Anna said...

This post gives me chills! It's beautiful! Though our situations aren't the same, I've gone through heartache and grief and through it all, learned that I had to rely solely on God and not my plans.

I think you're so right on the "my life is not perfect" bit, too. I sometimes feel like my blog is all happy and cheery and for the most part, that's who I am all the time, but sometimes I just want to share that there are hard things and just because I smile almost 100% of the time and am usually extremely happy and optimistic, I have hard days and pain missing two little ones that I don't get to see every single day and that I struggle so much sometimes trying to fit it all in and I worry about my people so much and their hearts and futures.

Stephanie Crowder said...

Beautiful!! Loved every word!

Stephanie Crowder said...

Beautiful!! Loved everey word!

The Kinards! said...

LOVE your blog and who YOU are!! Thank you for being REAL! Love your pics too, Ella is the cutest!!!!

Amy @ Forever 29 said...

You, my friend, are amazing. You are brave and strong and you inspire imperfect moms like me to just let go of the unrealistic expectations that I put on myself. Love you!

Nicole Renee said...

Thanks for being transparent, you are a beautiful!

Ileana said...

I found your blog on Becky's link-up. Your honesty is so courageous and inspiring, no one's life is perfect! I look forward to following you :)

http://simplyinspiredme.blogspot.com

Jess @ Wrangling Chaos said...

Being okay with who you are is pretty much the best thing ever, isn't it?

Also. I'm a mess too. Always have been. My poor husband. :)

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