postpartum. the nasty, nasty truth.

I have struggled with this post for a while. But then I figured, I was completely shell shocked by how I have felt these last few weeks and if I can give one person a heads up, then good.

Everyone tells you about pregnancy hormones. On more than one occasion, people joked about it with Mr. Perfect, or with me. It's widely known that pregnant women = not the most rational. This is perfectly accepted. It's expected. I got emails all the time from my pregnancy subscriptions warning me of how I might feel. There's chapters in the baby books. I knew that I was being irrational when I was pregnant, but it was ok. The books said so.

What nobody told me is how I would feel after she got here. Yes, I knew I would be exhausted, I knew I would get frustrated. I didn't know that at times I would look at her and wonder how I got here? Most of the times that was at 3 am when she'd been screaming for hours.

Nobody told me that breastfeeding would make me feel like a complete failure. That junk is hard. I honestly thought it would just be something I could do. No one told me that it might not work for the two of us. No one warned me that she might possibly nurse for hours and still not be satisfied. No one told me that formula might be something we just had to do.

Thankfully I have a few friends who just went though this. My friend, KW, just showed up one day after I didn't answer her texts for a few days. She had gone through the same thing after she had her daughter. Sometimes she would just bust into tears for no reason. I couldn't understand back in September why she wouldn't answer my texts. Now I know.

My best friend, KP, couldn't breatfeed and wouldn't talk about it. I didn't understand how it could be that big of a deal. I couldn't understand why it was so hard. Now I know.

My emotions are out of control. I will be absolutely fine and then something will hit me and I am a disaster. I will go a complete day without touching my phone. Ignoring all texts and calls. I know I'm being a craptastic friend, but honestly? don't care.

Motherhood is hard. I prepared myself for the pregnancy. I even (kind of) prepared myself for the labor and delivery. But I never prepared myself for coming home with her. Its just me and her. Day after day. I've said it before, but I'm not good on my own. I get really down without human companionship and daily interaction with adults. So in ways, this is beating me down emotionally.

I was really beating myself up about breastfeeding. I thought it was my fault and I was taking it very personally that this wasn't going so well for us. Then I got an email from an awesome friend that made me realize I needed to chill out. So I'm going to see a lactation person tomorrow and see if she can help us, but if she can't, well, I'm not beating myself up about it. I tried.

Last night as I changed diaper number 300 of the day at 4:00 am I looked down at Baby Girl and fell in love all over again. I do that about 70 times a day. Because the thing is, yea, this is hard on me, but its hormones and it's NORMAL. It may not be talked about as often as the hormones of pregnancy, but its very real. But the fact of the matter is, I can't stop thanking God for this little angel. When I'm up at night feeding her, I remember how long I was afraid I would never have the chance to do the late night feedings, or change my child's diaper. I waited years for this and if I have to take the bad with the good, I will. Because shes so worth it.