Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Getting Real.

Amy writes one of the blogs that I most consistently read and have read for years. Amy and her husband have been battling infertility for years, and she is one person I find myself praying for very often. Today she is offering up stories of encouragement to those of you out there that are waiting on husbands or children or whatever the case may be, and I thought I'd share a bit of my story you might not have heard before.

Mr. Perfect and I met, fell in love, and got married in a whirlwind. It was so fast, it literally made my head spin. In our first year together, we also found ourselves dealing with not one, but two, miscarriages and the repercussions of those losses. For a couple of people that had only known each other for a year, it was a lot to deal with.

Infertility is hard on a marriage. Very, very hard. Even though you go through it as a couple, it can also be a ridiculously isolating experience. I had so many fears about our miscarriages; was it me? Was it my fault? Was I going to be the reason my husband never got to be a father? Did I do something to deserve this?

I turned in on myself after my second loss. I could have cared less about myself, my marriage, or what I was doing to us as a couple. It was hard. In the middle of all that, we were moving all over the place, I missed home, my family, my friends, I was twenty two.. It was just too much..

Things got better and then we suffered our third loss. After that loss, we called it quits on trying to have a biological child. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't deal with getting my hopes up just to have the rug pulled out from underneath me. I couldn't deal with the pain of recovering from surgery. I was just over it. It was too much.

At the end of 2008, I began to push everyone away again. I don't know how Mr. Perfect put up with me as I went on a self destructive tangent. I needed everything to quit hurting and I couldn't find a way to make that happen. I ran from everything. I ran from church, from Mr. Perfect, from God, from my family... I just wanted a break.

Somewhere in my haze that was the end of 2008, I got pregnant again. Our relationship was on very shaky ground, but we came together for this child. We prayed over it and asked God to forgive us for who we had become. Right before I got pregnant, Mr. P had gotten saved and was a totally different man. He really stepped up to become the leader in our household. I fell in love all over.

We lost that baby at Christmas. I got saved in February.

Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not good at opening up at all and when you add in the recurrent pregnancy loss, well, it makes it even more difficult. I've gotten called out in emails before about how I portray my life as "perfect". Maybe I do. Because to me, it absolutely is.

After I got saved in 2009, it became so clear to me the damage I had caused. But somehow, I was forgiven for all of that. Mr. Perfect was still here, my marriage was better than ever, my family still rallied around me. God's grace was amazing and became even more so.

In August of 2009 I got another positive pregnancy test. And exactly 39 weeks later, I got my miracle child.

Y'all. She was so, so worth the wait.

I let you in on a darker side of this girl for one reason; there is always, always hope. I thank God that He watched over the two of us, even when we weren't listening to anything He had to say. I thank God that He is a God that forgives and always loves us, even when we don't love ourselves.

Life is hard. It's downright heartbreaking sometimes. I don't pretend to understand why we had four miscarriages. I don't say that it didn't just about kill me, because it did. But I made it to the other side. We made it to the other side.

And life is pretty much, almost perfect.

18 comments:

Lauren said...

Beautiful story of God’s redemption. Thank you for sharing :)

Belle on Heels said...

thanks for sharing, sweet pea!

Jill said...

i love you to pieces for sharing this story. i want to say so much more, but can't find words quite yet. congrats on finding the joy and happiness you deserve.

brown eyed girl said...

Thank you for sharing this. As someone who has become shockingly aware of the struggles many women have with concieving, it reaffirms my belief in that evertything happens for a reason, and to be patient, for we do have great and magnificent plans ahead of us.

This may be the therapist in me, but is it a struggle with infertility? Or is it a struggle to conceive? Because, I wonder if a small, subtle change from using 'infertile' to 'concieve' might make a world of difference? You are not infertile, as evidenced by your beautiful baby girl, but you certianly struggle to conceive, as your testimony shows. It is something that I am trying to change in my life, to have that positive spin on a struggle, that there is hope!

And seriously, thank you for sharing - I often need reminders that we must be patient and there is a bigger plan than what I can control!

XOXO

Mandy said...

What an honestly written, beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing this side of you. I'm so glad that at such a young age you were saved and it has really helped you in your life. I'm so glad you were blessed with your beautiful baby girl....You are such a wonderful mother!

amy (metz) walker said...

Girl, if I weren't typing but was trying to talk instead...I'm not sure I could past the lump in my throat. I've read about you through the years but I didn't know so clearly what you've been through. I'm so thankful to know more about your journey.

I agree with you on the perfect thing. It ain't perfect...but it's mine. ;-)


You know, Greenville is a whole lot closer to me than Savannah. When you get there and get settled, I'm day tripping for a meet up over coffee or lunch. I'm terrified of meeting people in real life, not because I'm scared I won't like them, but because I tend to be so much more guarded in real life. I'm afraid they'll be disappointed in ME. If you know that going in and are ok with it...I would love to finally do this!

Jenni said...

There are literally tears streaming down my face right now.... I am SO sorry you had to go through all that. I really, really am. But I'm also SO glad that you finally got your perfect Baby Girl and have an inspiring story to share. Thank you for writing this!

Fidgeting Gidget said...

Thank you. I needed to read this today. It's because of people like you and your bravery that I am able to keep on keepin' on through all of this infertility crap.

Brown Girl said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I love your honesty and I love BG! We'd made fabulous IRL friends! xoxo

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

I'm all teary, sweet friend! Thank you for sharing. I am so happy for you and your family and your beautiful miracle little! she is blessed to have you as her mama!

Shaina said...

Megs ... this post definitely brought tears to my eyes. You have been through so much ... and now you have such a beautiful baby girl! xoxo

Katie A. said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I know sometimes it can be incredibly hard to open up to the blog world and allow them in on our "dark side", but I also know God will use your story to touch many people!

Maggie said...

Oh you, I hate that you've been through so much, but so inspired by how much you've overcome. Your little girl is so precious and so loved. Thank you for sharing.

Muffy said...

Oh, this post made me cry and cry (at my desk at work!!!). Thank you for sharing your struggles. SO happy you have the baby of your dreams and it all worked out. GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

Kassie said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! You are so strong to have gone through everything you did. But if you got that little girl whose cheeks I would just love to pinch if I met her, then it's worth it. I need to be reminded of that sometimes--that the journey is worth the wait for what God has in store for my future.

sarah @ life {sweet} life said...

I love this story. Your story. It's beautiful and I am always amazed to see how God works things out. So happy for you and your blessings! :)

Sarah said...

That is awesome to see how God works in people's lives, even when they don't realize it! Thanks for sharing your story. I have not ever dealt with fertility issues but find it interesting to hear people's stories about it (though it is heartbreaking to read a lot of it too). My sister couldn't get pregnant for over a year and started getting really frustrated, but a few years later, she has two kids!

I found your blog through Fidgeting Gidget and I found hers through a different one. Amazing how you can find so many people in so many different locations and in such different places in their lives, yet still feel like you might have something in common, or even if you don't, you find their life interesting.

If you get bored, you can stop by my blog - we live a pretty oridnary life, but we love it that way!

Jenny @ Practically Perfect... said...

I had no idea that you'd gone through so many miscarriages. Its an awful thing to experience, but I'm glad that God used that in your life! And I'm so thankful that you got your sweet little baby girl :-)

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