When I was growing up, my dreams of motherhood came and went. I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of being a mother day in and day out. If push came to shove, yes, I saw myself with kids one day, but it wasn't all I longed for.
Does that make sense?
When I did picture myself with kids, I also pictured myself with a big time career. I could picture myself picking them up at the end of the day or imagine myself taking them with me to "Take Your Children to Work" days. I never once thought about staying home with kids all day every day.
When we got pregnant, the option to stay home was not there. It wasn't something we discussed, heck it wasn't something I even really thought about. Then I found blogging.
I still to this day have no clue if I really would have wanted to stay home so bad if I didn't read tons of SAHM blogs, or if it would have never crossed my mind but suddenly I couldn't imagine going back to work. I was devastated at the thought of leaving my child with anyone but me. Unfortunately our situation called for two incomes and there was no getting around it.
The first day I went back to work, I was a wreck. I sobbed getting ready, I sobbed on the way to the sitter's house, I sobbed in the sitter's house, and I sobbed the whole way to work. I must have called Kyndal (the sitter) four times before ten am. It was awful.
Then somewhere around noon, I realized that I wasn't worrying incessantly about BG and that I was truly enjoying being back at work. It helped that I really liked what I did, I (most of the time) liked my coworkers, and I only went back part time. I had the best of both worlds.
Of course I ran out of work every day at five and got mad if I had to work extra, but it worked. We fell into a new schedule of work, daycare, play time, that worked for us. I still had a ton of time with her, but I also got out to do what I loved to do for work.
When we moved, it worked out that I could stay at home with her for a while. I'll be honest, I absolutely loved it. I am so, so thankful for that time because I got to see her start crawling and start walking and so many other things. However, I battled a bit of depression during that time that I only partially delved into here on the blog.
I blamed it on S.A.D. but it was much more. I loved being with her all day, but I missed adult interaction something fierce. Perhaps it would have been much better had we known some people here, but it just got so lonely. I found myself aching for five o' clock for Mr. P to come home and talk to me.
Please do not get me wrong, I loved every single second of being with her and I can never thank my husband enough for working so hard to give me that opportunity. Those days are days I'll never get back and being with her the majority of her first year was the best thing ever.
The older she got, the more I started thinking about getting her involved in classes and other activities. She is so active that I constantly worried that just being around me wasn't enough for her. That and other factors made me really reconsider finding an outside job.
I have been looking for something part time since we moved up here with absolutely no luck. I took that as a sign that being with her was what was right for our family at the time. This past time when I started looking, I got a call the next day.
I was a wreck after I found out I got the job. I'm talking inconsolable. Now that I know how much BG does in a day, I couldn't imagine anyone else getting those moments with her. I honestly still can't. The first few days, I seriously thought about throwing in the towel. Mr. P and I had a deal; if I couldn't handle it, then I could quit. Simple as that. We would make it work.
After about two days, I realized that I had a spring in my step I hadn't had in a while. The whole social interaction thing? I need it. Getting out for me, makes me a better person and in turn a better Mom.
I've kind of been absent from the blog and Twitter world and I just realized why. I was using them (especially Twitter) as my only source of adult interaction during the day. I craved it so bad that my phone was always in sight. Always. Sometimes BG would be put on hold as I caught up on tweets and blogs and such because that was the only social interaction I was getting.
Now when it's me and her, it's just me and her. I am all about her since my time is now divided. It's making me a better Mom.
I'm only working part time. At this stage in the game, full time just won't work. That's way too much time away from my little one. In a way, I have the best of both worlds as my friend Megan has said. I get to get out and get my adult interaction in, but I also get most of my time with BG. It's a perfect mix.
If the opportunity arises would I ever go back to SAHM?
Having the first year (most of it) was awesome to me. Beyond that? I don't know....
I'm just one of those people who needs the outside interaction. I need the structure. Heck, I admit it; I need the validation. Getting out gives me a better schedule and makes me more organized. I no longer feel at the end of the day "what the heck did I do all day?". Perhaps it would be different if I knew more people to set up play dates and such with. Again, a big I don't know.
What I do know right now this works for us. This part time gig has more benefits than downfalls. BG is doing excellent at daycare (besides learning to pick her nose) and I'm actually loving what I'm doing each day. It's been good for both of us.
Who knows if that dot dot dot will lead to another SAHM gig. Guess we shall wait and see.