weak.

There are very few things that make me very uncomfortable.

People talking about sex (I'm twelve I know), confrontation, and weakness are the top three.

For so long I looked at weakness as a bad thing. Who wants to be weak? There have been times where tears have given me feelings of utter disgust. I'm not proud of that, but it's true.

It makes me uncomfortable.

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like I don't have it all together; like I cannot do something. It makes me feel out of control which just sends me into a tailspin and I don't like it at all.

So on Sunday when the pastor preached about how weakness might not be such a bad thing, I listened. Surely he was wrong?

But apparently he's not. In fact, biblically it says that it is not a sin to be weak, but it is a sin to pretend to be strong.

Wow.

He preached on how Paul, an amazing man of God, prayed numerously for God to take away a certain weakness in his life. He asked three times for this to happen and three times it was denied. Knowing God could easily have cured whatever ailed him, surely there had to be a reason He kept saying no.

Let me be frank with you; right now, in this season of life, I feel very, very weak. In such a short time, everything I was used to got flipped upside down. My husband would agree with me as he is feeling very much the same, but that would be his story to tell. We were very comfortable where we were. We liked where we lived, we were pleased with our jobs, and life was plain good.

Now? Every single day is scary.

As I sat there in church on Sunday, I knew that this little stage was one I needed to talk about. Because so often we sit here and we read stories of bloggers that just seem to have it all together and if we don't feel like that, then it hurts. It feels like a slap in the face.

I know because I've been there. But I've also been the blogger who pretends to have it all together while I am a mess inside. But not this time.

I find that when times are a little tough, I am stretched and molded by God to reflect more of who He wants me to be. Every time, a little less of the old Megan is there and a lot more of a new Megan replaces her. And it is good.

The pastor made an excellent point when he said that "we want to understand our weakness, but God wants to unleash it. We want to 'fix' the problem, but God wants to transform the person".

Wow.

Honestly, with everything going on right now, I just want a big life fast forward button. I'm tired of the stress, I'm tired of the worry, I'm tired of the guilt. I need a break.

Daily I think I need change; I need a job and I need it now. BG needs to be in school. We need to find a permanent place to live. And all of those things? I want like yesterday.

But it appears someone else has different plans.

It's time like this where one has to just listen. Just sit and listen. I'm not putting on any airs. When I say that right now I am physically and emotionally weak, I am being as honest as one can be. It's hard right now.

Mr. P and I both want things different and we want them different now. But perhaps this is our time to take a step back and regroup. Perhaps we were following the wrong plan and this is His way of getting us back on track. I really don't know..

What I do know is this; every single time when I have been at my weakest, God has used it for more than I was even imagining.

When we went through everything to get BG, we were ready to give up. To walk away. But He had a different plan and now I have her. And she's more than I could have dreamed.

When we were down and out and so sad about leaving Savannah; He moved us to Anderson, where I met one of my closest friends and made so many other good friends and our faith grew like we only dreamed it would.

When I am weakest He uses me the most.

This is one of those times. It's time to give up my control freak tendencies for a bit and just ride this ride to where it's supposed to take me.