Thursday, October 18, 2012


There are very few things that make me very uncomfortable.

People talking about sex (I'm twelve I know), confrontation, and weakness are the top three.

For so long I looked at weakness as a bad thing. Who wants to be weak? There have been times where tears have given me feelings of utter disgust. I'm not proud of that, but it's true.

It makes me uncomfortable.

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like I don't have it all together; like I cannot do something. It makes me feel out of control which just sends me into a tailspin and I don't like it at all.

So on Sunday when the pastor preached about how weakness might not be such a bad thing, I listened. Surely he was wrong?

But apparently he's not. In fact, biblically it says that it is not a sin to be weak, but it is a sin to pretend to be strong.


He preached on how Paul, an amazing man of God, prayed numerously for God to take away a certain weakness in his life. He asked three times for this to happen and three times it was denied. Knowing God could easily have cured whatever ailed him, surely there had to be a reason He kept saying no.

Let me be frank with you; right now, in this season of life, I feel very, very weak. In such a short time, everything I was used to got flipped upside down. My husband would agree with me as he is feeling very much the same, but that would be his story to tell. We were very comfortable where we were. We liked where we lived, we were pleased with our jobs, and life was plain good.

Now? Every single day is scary.

As I sat there in church on Sunday, I knew that this little stage was one I needed to talk about. Because so often we sit here and we read stories of bloggers that just seem to have it all together and if we don't feel like that, then it hurts. It feels like a slap in the face.

I know because I've been there. But I've also been the blogger who pretends to have it all together while I am a mess inside. But not this time.

I find that when times are a little tough, I am stretched and molded by God to reflect more of who He wants me to be. Every time, a little less of the old Megan is there and a lot more of a new Megan replaces her. And it is good.

The pastor made an excellent point when he said that "we want to understand our weakness, but God wants to unleash it. We want to 'fix' the problem, but God wants to transform the person".


Honestly, with everything going on right now, I just want a big life fast forward button. I'm tired of the stress, I'm tired of the worry, I'm tired of the guilt. I need a break.

Daily I think I need change; I need a job and I need it now. BG needs to be in school. We need to find a permanent place to live. And all of those things? I want like yesterday.

But it appears someone else has different plans.

It's time like this where one has to just listen. Just sit and listen. I'm not putting on any airs. When I say that right now I am physically and emotionally weak, I am being as honest as one can be. It's hard right now.

Mr. P and I both want things different and we want them different now. But perhaps this is our time to take a step back and regroup. Perhaps we were following the wrong plan and this is His way of getting us back on track. I really don't know..

What I do know is this; every single time when I have been at my weakest, God has used it for more than I was even imagining.

When we went through everything to get BG, we were ready to give up. To walk away. But He had a different plan and now I have her. And she's more than I could have dreamed.

When we were down and out and so sad about leaving Savannah; He moved us to Anderson, where I met one of my closest friends and made so many other good friends and our faith grew like we only dreamed it would.

When I am weakest He uses me the most.

This is one of those times. It's time to give up my control freak tendencies for a bit and just ride this ride to where it's supposed to take me.


Paige said...

This is one of the best posts I have ever read. I am the exact same way and have always thought that weakness was a sign of failure. I went through that battle the entire time that I was a single Mon to Charli. I was bitter and cold because I did not want to be weak. When I became weak and let God take control, I found my spot in this life as the wife I am today.

Ashley said...

Beautifully written, I think we ALL can relate, I know I can. Hang in there girl, you will come out on top! If you ever need to talk, you have my email, I've been meaning to email you back, but LIFE it gets crazy and I need more friendships, and to make time for them.
Take Care,

SEL said...

I hope things settle down and you and the family are able to be exactly where you're meant to be.


Lauren said...

Girl, when you are weak, he is STRONG!!!! Xoxoxoxo :)

Shannon Dew said...

Amen sister. I think we are both going through a time of self discovery and while it's hard it's necessary and we will come out of it better. Hang in there.

Bo said...

This is such an awesome, open-hearted, honest post. I loved it. I am similar in that I do not like people treating me like a weakling. I hate it. And yet, it's okay. Same goes for not knowing things. I always feel like I should know everything. Crazy! and that's what causes stress. This do come right. But not always on our time but His. x

Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Thank you for this, for being truly you and for sharing. Boy, can I ever relate to this feeling. In our weaknesses we are in fact strong through Him, but - whoa - does it ever not feel that way at times. Beautifully put, as usual.

Amy @ Forever 29 said...

Hugs to you, M. I've been in self-help reading mode lately and picked up a book that basically says that vulnerability (or what many say is weakness) is the key to really experiencing a full life. We all want to run from it, but unless we embrace it we won't feel joy fully. Oy. Lifting you up as I know the things you are struggling with are hard!


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