Friday, January 30, 2009

Big changes...

Serious post alert! So if you want fun, humor, and jokes.. well not today! Not here anyway. But some big changes are going on in our little household. And I'm so excited I want to scream it from the rooftop! But I'll just type it on here for all you guys to see...

A few months ago Mr. Perfect and I were not doing so well. Three miscarriages, multiple job changes, moves to places we both weren't fond of, as well as other factors had put a huge strain on our relationship. In just 3 years of marriage, we'd dealt with more than our fair share of disappointment and loss. We started seeing a counselor at a church we'd been attending here in town. I'll be honest; my heart absolutely was not in it. I didn't want to hear a word that the man said. I left each time a little more angry than I had gone in. A few weeks into this counseling I noticed a drastic change in Mr. Perfect. It started small but eventually grew to where I could not even ignore it. Finally he told me what was up. He had gotten saved. We both were raised in Christian homes, but we certainly weren't living it and he finally did something about it. There was a peace about him that was undeniable. He seemed calmer, happier, and really seemed to want to work on our marriage. I wasn't there yet.

I've only had a blog for a few months, but I've been reading different ones for far longer. A friend of mine from college started a blog so I would check in on her family from time to time. I noticed that she had a link on her blog that said something about "praying for MckMamma". Huh? So I headed over to read what it was about. When I got there I read the story of a little boy named Stellan. A little miracle that had been diagnosed with heart failure and hydrops while in the womb. His parents had been told that he would not survive. I read her blog voraciously even going all the way back to catch up on this family that had captured the blog world's attention so completely. And then I watched as a prayer vigil was held all over the world for a little boy that no one had even met yet. Wow. Eye opening. The faith that poured out of MckMamma and her family was overwhelming. But I just wasn't there yet.

At the same time I stumbled upon another blog. This one broke my heart. It was the story of Audrey Caroline Smith. Now if you haven't read Angie's story of her daughter (you probably live under a rock!), you definitely should. Audrey's parents were also told that she had a condition that made it impossible for her to live outside the womb. I cried and cried as I read Angie's words about her daughter. And I got so mad. I finally broke down and spoke to God about how unfair I thought it was that they should lose their child and I should lose my three. Oh but He had more in store for me. I watched as God brought Audrey into the world and then as He took her back home. I couldn't imagine what going through that must be like. But her parents never, ever lost faith. Read Angie's words. Her love for her Father is all over her page. Wouldn't we all want to be a part of something like that? That little girl who only lived in this world for a very short time helped to open my heart. But I just wasn't ready to make that decision yet.

I found two other blogs right after I found Angie's. Adrienne's finally introduced me to someone struggling with recurrent pregnancy loss like myself. I had just felt so alone going though this. I felt like it was something I had done or that God was punishing me. I don't know about you but where I live, pregnancy loss doesn't seem to be that huge. At least not in my personal contact list. Getting pregnant at the drop of a hat; very prominent! Finally I was shown someone else that was going through this. And what an amazing woman! Adrienne has more strength than anyone I can even imagine. She's been through so much, yet she still knows there's more to come for her. And she's patiently waiting for it. I didn't have that kind of patience. At all. While I was reading Adrienne's blog, I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time. I did the only thing I knew to be good for my baby; I gave him/her to God. For the first time in my life, I just let something go. I did what I could down here, took everything I was supposed to take, but in the end, it was all His. Once again, He decided to take His child back up to be with him. It doesn't stop hurting. It doesn't get any easier. But for once I still had some hope. While laid up after surgery I found Kelly's blog.
I had plenty of time to catch up on her battle with infertility and her current pregnancy. One thing stuck out to me on Kelly's page; the girl had patience. She knew it was all His timing. The nite before I was scheduled for my D&C I didn't get a wink of sleep. I read blogs, read my Bible, and searched the Internet for miscarriage information all nite. I went to take a shower before we left and my heart broke. I sat in that shower for over half an hour and just bawled. And I gave up. I gave up the hard shell I'd put around my heart, I gave up my disappointment in God, I gave up my anger towards my husband, and I gave up on not being able to forgive myself for the things I'd done. I absolutely could not fight it anymore. I begged God to forgive me and for the first time I can truly remember, I asked Him to come into my heart.

My marriage has been saved. My faith has been saved. And most importantly, I have been SAVED. We went back to that counselor the other nite, and together with him and my husband I finally prayed the sinners prayer. I am truly forgiven. And I know where I'm headed. And I know I'll finally get to meet my babies. I just wanted to say a huge thank you to those 4 ladies... There's many more like them out there, but I was given the gifts of their blogs at a time I so desperately needed it. Where else but "BlogLand" can you meet four amazing Christian women who are each battling their own demons, but are coming out fine on the other side. Yes, you come out scarred. But you come out a little stronger. I can't even imagine what my life would have come to had my heart not been broken. I know I would have destroyed my relationship with the most important person on the planet. The man I love more than anything on this Earth. But instead God lead me to help. It can only get better from here! Mr. Perfect and I are both getting baptised on February the 8th. I can't wait. So thanks again ladies.. and thanks to all the other bloggers I've found that are just amazing!! You guys keep up your blogging. You're touching lives =)

6 comments:

My name is Megan... said...

That is such a sweet story and it brought me to tears! I am still praying for you. I'm so happy for you guys!1 God has a plan for you both and having a family! xoxo

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I think this is such a good and honest post.

Good for you for having the courage to follow God.

d.a.r. said...

I just found your blog and absolutely adore it. What a truly honest and inspiring post!! You definitely touched my heart tonight.

God bless you for the courage you have found!!

Mike and Molly Spivey said...

wow megan!

What a great post! I am so happy for you and your husband - what joy and peace you must feel!!!

I will be praying for you guys as you are on this journey.

My name is Megan... said...

tagged you! check it out on my blog :)

have a lovely said...

megs...I have just stumbled across your blog...first I must say...welcome sister in Christ! :) this is a raw honest and very inspiring post. I too have felt so blessed to have come across those lovely and inspiring ladies. It is always so humbling to see God's hands work...and amazing when He chooses the blog-o-sphere to tie it all together! So excited for you on your renewal and the day you will always remember as seeing God face to face in that shower!

There are several really good books {in addition of course to the bible} that I have read lately that I feel has strengthened my faith...Purpose Driven Life, and I love Max Lucado's books.

Just a recommendation! so sorry to have written a novel!! :) I am thrilled for you and so glad to have found you!!!

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