Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Not Quite What I Was Hoping For...

Today was our 2 week post op appointment. I'm actually still not quite sure exactly how I feel about it.... It didn't go badly, it just wasn't what I expected. I went in this morning thinking we would walk out with answers. That when we left we would know what caused this miscarriage. I just want a game plan. A "this is what will work" as opposed to "ideas" and "thoughts". I'm getting so sick of not knowing what's causing this. We have no answers. I guess I just want a definitive answer. How do I put this... I feel like being diagnosed with recurrent pregnancy loss is not enough. I want to know why. Not why in like a grand scheme kinda way (I'm not down on my knees screaming "why God why?!" or anything) but why this is happening. What is causing it. But I didn't get that. Our RE is still not sure what is going on. He's going to have us do another round of testing. I'll be going in to get a number of tests to check for blood clotting disorders. Then Mr. Perfect and I both will have a complete chromosomal work up done. They will be sending the remains off to a perinatal pathologist and hopefully that will give us some insight on to whether we're on the right track with everything. After that he wants us to do a biopsy of the lining of the uterus. And last but not least I have a septum in my uterus that he wants to shave down. Basically it's a small area that divides my uterus in two different parts. It's supposedly pretty small and he doesn't really think it has anything to do with the losses, but he wants to be thorough and make sure he's not missing anything. Then after all that, we will need 2-3 mos. of pretreatment before we should try again. UGH!! So basically we're looking at Julyish before we can start trying again. I'm not in any hurry really, I just feel like it's always something.. This is my lesson in patience. On giving it to God and waiting on His timing instead of thinking it should be on my time. Because it most certainly is not on my timing!! I've been having a hard time lately. It seems like everyone in the world is pregnant right now. I know this is not a path I should let my thoughts go down but it's getting harder and harder to just sit here and be happy for them. You never think about this part of pregnancy when you're growing up. I remember when I was younger I had this whole idea of what I thought my life would be like. I remember I always planned to have 4 kids. It never once crossed my mind that that would be hard to do! You never think you'll be the one that can't get pregnant, or can't carry a child. You smile at the thought of adoption, but you never think that's really going to be what you have to do. My thoughts are all over the place right now. I'm doing good though honestly. I just want some answers... Please just keep us in your prayers. All of this is emotionally, physically, and financially trying. We're keeping our heads up and our thoughts focused but prayers are appreciated... Thanks

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