Tuesday, March 27, 2012

this kind of love.

When I was pregnant with BG, I had a conversation with an aquaintance that absolutely baffled me.

She and I were at lunch and I was whining complaining okay, I was totally complaining about how tired I was and how plain over being pregnant I was.

She looked at me, serious as could be and said, "I'm surprised you're complaining. As much as it took for y'all to get pregnant, you'd think you would appreciate every single second".

I was floored y'all. Floored.

I wanted to be pissed because hello, ouch. But she wasn't being mean. At all. She legitimately thought that I wouldn't want to complain because of how precious my sweet baby I was growing was to me. And how longed for she was.

Sometimes after a really hard day with BG, I get down and out and aggravated and truthfully, in that moment, I don't like being a parent very much. It's freaking hard. She's trying and some days I just feel like I can't win for losing. She beats me at everything.

The fact that I wanted this child more than anything on the planet does not make parenting her a breeze. The fact that she was created using medicine and big time prayers, does not make her an easy kid. She didn't come with the knowledge that "my parents worked their arses off to get me here so I should be a peach".

She is still a kid. She is still rotten sometimes. She can still be tough.

I find as a woman who beat infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss that I am perhaps a bit more, how do I say this, aware of my child being here. I appreciate her. A lot. I am grateful to her for being the child that stuck with us. Every single day, I look at her and know that realistically, she would not be here without the miracles we witnessed to get her here.

I don't think parents like me love their kids more than parents who got pregnant easily at all. I don't. I do think it's a bit of a different kind of love though. It's a love ripened over years of waiting. It's a love that hurt when your husband had to look you in the eyes and promise you that the two of you would be parents someday. Somehow. It's a terrified love as you pray just to make it one more week. Then one more after that.

It's a love that explodes when your baby beats the odds and makes it past the point her brothers and sisters before her couldn't get past. It's a hopeful love when you finally buy your first baby item. It's a determined love when you stick a needle through your skin for the hundredth time knowing you'll do it a hundred more if it keeps your baby safe.

It's a scared love when you make decisions based off of "studies" instead of cold hard facts because you and your baby are in uncharted medical territory. It's an overwhelming love when despite all the odds, she breathes air outside of you for the first time.

After all that, how can I still ever complain about her? About parenting?

Because I'm normal. And I'm a Mom. And as much as I love her, this is still the hardest job ever.

But, it is hands down, the best one ever. Man, I freaking love that kid. She's my sidekick. She is the littlest love of my life. And even when she makes me crazy, I adore her. Always.


Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Love this. I've been accused several times of not being grateful of being pregnant, etc, when I've complained about feeling bad--and how it's a big slap in the face to women who deal with infertility and loss. I did deal with loss, so it baffled me when people would say that. And then? I've had a few of them get pregnant, and then come to me apologizing because they're all "dude, pregnancy IS hard and dang, I'm tired/sick/can't breathe"...

In the end, we're human. My kid is hard some days. Some days? An angel. The one in my womb is easy on me some days. Some days? I'm sick as a dog. I have emotions about this because I'm human and God made me that way. I think it's okay :) Great perspective!

Emily S said...

Best. Post. Ever! Our daughter was born after two miscarriages and two chemical pregnancies... and we were in somewhat uncharted territory guided by "studies" and "theories" and we definitely wanted her SO badly and went through so much to get her here. But you're right- sometimes she is a toddler and it's HARD to be the parent I want to be when I'm exhausted and I just want a break. And when I think about how much I wanted her and how hard it was to get her here, there's another layer of guilt (for being so "ungrateful") that I layer on top of the typical "mommy guilt." THANK YOU for acknowledging that it's completely normal to be tired and frustrated sometimes. This post was exactly what I needed to read!

Mrs. I said...

This post gave me chills!

It is hard. And complaining or commiserating doesn't make you ungrateful.

You nailed it with this post.


Tiff said...

You just made me cry, mama! :) I sometimes just want to tell woman to "cool-it" with all the judging. Men don't do that, why do we?

Lucy Marie said...

This is so so so so so well said. SO well said. Pregnancy, childbirth, child rearing ... all of it ... it's tough stuff and having moments/days/weeks where we can do nothing but complain means nothing about the love we have for our babies. Evalyn is my heart. My whole entire heart ... that doesn't mean she doesn't drive me up the wall sometimes. You are such a sweet Mama!

Elizabeth said...

I have read your post a few times trying to think of the right thing to comment. I feel like I could have written this! After three miscarriages, lots of testing, ten weeks on bed rest, delivering twelve weeks early & my baby being in the NICU for 60 days, I thought that no matter how tough things got I would never complain. I do try to keep it to a minimum but man, those sleepless nights can take a toll. My baby is only 8 months old so I know there are a lot harder days to come. And like you said, we are so incredibly grateful but at the same time, we are human. Thank you for posting this!!

Mrs. Pretty said...

Wonderfully said, friend, as always. Wish I could reach through this monitor and give you a hug, as schmoopy as that sounds.

As someone who went through fertility too - though my issues with that don't hold a candle to yours - I so have felt this strange guilt, that feeling of "How could I not be enjoying every last bit of this, miserable or not, when I struggled and prayed for this precious life in the first place?" We are wonderfully, non-wonderfully human, that's why.

Amber said...

As someone who also went through infertility I couldnt agree more! Days are still hard but its definitely a great love!

Gina said...

I've been Complainy McComplainerson lately. But I wouldn't change a thing. Love that sweet pic.

Anonymous said...

Heard! I'm 24.5 weeks w/ our miracle son. It's been a horrificly hard pregnancy: vomiting non-stop, PUPPP rash, kidney problems, bleeding. I have NOT enjoyed being preggo but yes I am thankful! And yes, I know it will be "worth it." I am shocked how many people have said rude things. He's a miracle, but it's still HARD on my body!

LG said...

Such a sweet post and so true. I feel like bloggers have given me lots of perspective. I was pregnant when Megan from This wonderful life lost Cohen and I think about him constantly as I watch peebs grow up, and it still breaks my heart.
Im appreciative and thankful but you are right this is a HARD job!


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