I guess it's time....

I've been putting this post off for a while now but I guess it's time... So about the 5th of December I had this "feeling" that I was pregnant. I've had the same feeling with all 3 of my last pregnancies and I've always been right. I got Mr. Perfect to go buy a box of pregnancy tests (economy box with 3 tests duh!) and tried to wait to take one. I wasn't due to get AF until the 10th but I couldn't wait. So I took a test on the 5th and not surprisingly it was negative. So I waited 2 more days then tested again. Still negative. After 4 days and 12 negative pregnancy tests, I got my positive result. I can't even say that Mr. Perfect and I even get "excited" anymore about that result. A pregnancy result for us is gut wrenching. You have to understand; pregnancy for us has been ruined. Well at least this part. I don't get to get all excited and think of cute ways to break the news. We have to be rational and get to the doctor even before we've even really had time to let it sink in. Telling our families is a nightmare. We want them to know because we suck at keeping secrets, but at the same time, we don't want anyone to get too excited because irrationally we worry about letting them down. And then I get these questions "Well aren't you excited?" or "You don't seem too happy".. well you're right. Because my heart is constantly on alert and my stomach stays in knots. I'm terrified to be excited. But I digress...

So we have our positive. After our 3rd miscarriage in December 2006, my ob/gyn referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist here in our town. We began seeing him two years ago where we went through tons of different tests. We did chromosomal testing (came back all good except for one small thing. Mr. Perfect and I both carry a gene mutation. By itself it's not a problem but if by some chance the baby gets it from both of us, then the baby can't survive. However, the chances of that are supposed to be pretty slim.), Mr. Perfect had a semen analysis (all good), and I had multiple scans, ultrasounds, and any and every test you can imagine on my female working parts. I do have what they call a septate uterus. Basically, my uterus has a septum in the middle that causes it to be shaped more like a pear or so. The septum isn't a huge deal when I'm not pregnant, but when I am it doesn't "give" so the uterus is forced to grow around it, therefore making the division between the two sides even greater. I can't even really go into the details of all the tests but they were some of the most painful and uncomfortable things I've gone through. I was diagnosed with insufficient blood flow based on my daily headaches. Basically there's been found to be a connection between women who have headaches constantly and miscarriage. All a lack of proper blood flow to the uterus. After all of our testing that's what we walked away with. That it didn't appear to be our genetics and our best bet was to treat the blood flow problem. So our deal was when we were ready to get pregnant we were going to head back to Dr. O and get started with our treatment. Well this pregnancy kind of snuck up on us...

So obviously we didn't get to start our treatment beforehand. We called Dr. O the minute we found out and were told to head for our first blood draw that day, the 12th. We got our results back almost immediately; HCG (the pregnancy hormone) was about 1000 (good), but I had very low progesterone levels. Dr. O called us in prenatal vitamins (I was on OTC ones) and progesterone suppositories (not fun!) and started us on 81 mg of aspirin once a day. We went back in for our 2nd BD on the 15th. Our HCG had tripled and our progesterone had doubled. However, the progesterone was still not where Dr. O was comfortable. We had our first appt that same day. No ultrasound that day (I would only have been just over 4 weeks pregnant) but we were started on a number of meds. I was to give myself Heparin inj. of 50 units twice a day, Plaquinel tablets once a day at lunchtime (for uterine blood flow), magnesium supplements twice a day (not at the same time as the Plaquinel), the aspirin once a day, prenatal vitamins once a day, and Progesterone suppositories at night. The meds didn't really make me feel bad but I was so bloated, tired, moody, and sore all of the time.
On the 20th, I worked til about 12:30 (noon) and right as I was about to get off work, I felt this stabbing pain that started in my abdomen and shot into my pelvis. I've felt similar with my last two pregnancies. It was so sharp that I could barely walk to my car. I cried the whole ride back to my house and when I got home I noticed the blood. I was devastated. I would like to tell you that I remained positive but I try not to lie so... =) Mr. Perfect called the doctor who had us come straight in. Dr. O did an ultrasound and saw the gestational sac along with what looked to be the yolk sac and the beginning of the fetal pole. He also noticed another area that he said could be another sac (WHAT?!?) or "something else". Then he noticed a small bruise. Also my placenta was pretty thin and not forming as well as it should. By the end of the u/s the "bruise" had covered up what he thought might have been a sac so we dismissed that thought and focused on the bruise. He said that by the end of the u/s the bruise already seemed to be organizing itself which he'd never seen anything like in all his years of practice. Lucky me to be so freakin' unique. He sent us straight for another blood draw to see how I was being affected by the heparin and decided to stop the progesterone suppositories and switch to once a day injectables. Yay. More needles. The next morning, a Sunday, we went back to his office to learn how to do the prog. inj. and to learn that the heparin was lowering my PTT way to low and we needed to stop it for a few doses. I was so frustrated!! I've known quite a few ladies with RPL that the heparin has worked for and I had such high hopes for it. Dr. O was pretty disappointed as well as he so rarely has problems with such a maintenance dosage. What did I say about being unique?!? He also switched us off plain prenatal vitamins and on to a more complex one, Metanx. He thought it would work better for us. So we go on back home Sunday and have a pretty quiet rest of the day.

I get to work Monday and just don't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, I went to the bathroom only to discover I was gushing bright, red blood. Cue the tears again. We rushed straight to the doctor who saw us immediately (have I mentioned I love him!). The u/s showed us a formed fetal pole with a glorious heartbeat!!! I can't even begin to explain to you what a victory that is! We've only heard that once before. Once. The bruise that was so small last week is now double the size and is literally ripping the placenta from the uterine wall on one side. Fortunately, it's not on the side the babies on. Dr. O put me on immediate bedrest (devastating since we had tickets to New York for Christmas) but necessary for our baby. He also had us start HCG injections. These were something we were offered way early in our pregnancy but were nervous about because it's an experimental drug. However, with all the bleeding we felt we had no choice. So we started on more injection twice a week. We had a follow up u/s the next day. The bruise was just so big. I've been off the heparin since the moment we saw the bruise but it just wasn't getting any better. Our baby was still hanging in there with a big strong heartbeat. But the placental lining was going through so much... I managed to stay in bed for the rest of the week. Saturday, Mr. Perfect took me to a movie to get me out of the house for a bit. I picked Marley and Me. I do not recommend this movie to hormonal pregnant women!!! It was really good though. Sunday I was so nauseous all day, but I'll take it. Anything that makes me feel like my baby is healthy. This past Monday we had another visit to see how things were going. Dr. O looked for a good 15 minutes without a word (not a good sign). Then he broke the silence; "I'm sorry. I've looked as hard as I can but there's just no cardiac activity". Our precious baby was gone. And I was full of blood. We stopped all medications that night and the cramps and bleeding came. Then stopped. We had to go to the hospital in the morning for a second opinion u/s, but we already knew. I think he just wanted a better view of everything with a better machine. So we got scheduled for a D & C and just like in 2006, I spent my New Years Eve recovering from surgery.

I'm just so dang sad this time. I can't quit crying. The surgery was the best one I've had yet. No pain, no bleeding, no cramping. I went in for surgery early that morning and was gone by 9.30. I was on a mission to get out of there. I've had my fair share of hospital visits and nurses looking at me with pity in their eyes. I just wanted to get home to my bed. Where I've been for days now. I can't go out in the world yet. I feel like the biggest letdown. To my family who are all holding out hope for me to bring in the next generation, to my friends (I know I'm an idiot but I HATE telling them I'm pregnant then not delivering the goods) and most of all to my husband. Who is the best man alive and who deserves to be a father more than anyone I know. I'm just so mad that I haven't been able to make that a reality for him. I'm just sad. I miss my babies. I'm tired of looking down at my bloated belly and oh so sore breasts and knowing these symptoms mean nothing. I'm crashing hard from the amount of hormones in my system so I can't even look at my dogs without bursting into tears. This is just so hard. My husband and I are back to square one. It's so easy for us to get pregnant so do we just keep on this road, see what was learned from this one, and then get ready for the next one. Or do we start the adoption process. We are both huge advocates for adoption, but I'm selfish...I really just want to be pregnant. Does that make me a bad person? Dr. O is ready to sit down with us and go over everything. He sent the baby off for testing to see what caused this and then we'll powwow and figure out our next step. I'm so anxious to hear what he has to say. I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but I'm so ready to start again. I want this baby. I want a family. I want children. I never thought I did, but I'm aching for it.

So that was our New Years. Not a great one but we'll survive. We'll go back in 2 weeks for our post op visit and to "regroup". I hope I can sit through that meeting without bawling. I'm kind of over this crying thing. Please keep us in your prayers as we go through these next couple of weeks. I know it's still going to be so hard..