so fast.

Last night when I was laying in bed, I felt it.

All of a sudden as I thought about my sweet girl laying in her room across the hall my arms got heavy and I had the sudden urge to get up and hold her. My arms literally ached to hold her.

I didn't get up and get her though because I'm no fool and know that would have resulted in a way too late at night party, but it did make me a bit sad. I racked my brain for a second and could not remember the last time I just sat and held her.

And then there was a knot the size of Texas in my throat as I was taken back to when she was a newborn and would nuzzle into my neck to sleep. I could literally smell that precious newborn smell. It felt like just yesterday that my child was that small, that fragile.

Did I hold her enough? Did I take enough time just to sit with her and just be?

August is a hard month for me. My first four pregnancies were all due in August which always brings up lots of "what if" feelings. August is also the month I found out I was pregnant with BG which brings things all sorts of full circle and does take the sting out a bit.
When I found out I was pregnant with BG, I vowed that I would appreciate every single second because of how long I had waited on her. I would appreciate every single midnight feeding, every load of laundry, every dirty diaper.

Then she came, and I'd be lying if I said that was the case. More than once I wondered what I had done to my life as she screamed for the third hour in a row at two am. More than once I wished she would just let me put her down to get some rest, or do a load of laundry, or just freaking pee.

The most overused piece of advice I hear regarding parenting is to just enjoy it because it goes so fast. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes after hearing that, because, duh, but oh my gosh y'all; it really does go so, so fast.
Have I soaked it in enough? Have I documented enough? Am I going to remember it all?

Probably not. To all three. But I had no idea.. No idea it would go so fast.

There are so many little things that I just want to bottle up and keep to pull out to remember about her. About how she says "it's okay" all the time and at completely inopportune moments. She kicks you in the face? you get a pat and and "it's okay Mommy". Whatever kiddo.

How when she fake laughs she throws her head back and closes her eyes so tight they disappear. How she almost always puts her shoes on the wrong feet. How she rubs your hair and say "you awright Mommy?". How she wants to jump off of every surface. How she throws her hands up and says "tada!" multiple times a day.
Maybe I should have taken more time to just sit with her when she was little. Who knows? I do know that the times I did are engrained in my memory forever. And that on nights like last night when it's just overwhelming me how big she is, I can go back in my head and feel her snuggled into my neck and can smell that sweet smell. I do realize that someday, in my head, I'll be traveling back to when she was two and feeling nostalgic for these days.

And because it really is going so, so fast, that time will probably be tomorrow. At least to this Mom it will feel that way.