Thursday, August 16, 2012

so fast.

Last night when I was laying in bed, I felt it.

All of a sudden as I thought about my sweet girl laying in her room across the hall my arms got heavy and I had the sudden urge to get up and hold her. My arms literally ached to hold her.

I didn't get up and get her though because I'm no fool and know that would have resulted in a way too late at night party, but it did make me a bit sad. I racked my brain for a second and could not remember the last time I just sat and held her.

And then there was a knot the size of Texas in my throat as I was taken back to when she was a newborn and would nuzzle into my neck to sleep. I could literally smell that precious newborn smell. It felt like just yesterday that my child was that small, that fragile.

Did I hold her enough? Did I take enough time just to sit with her and just be?

August is a hard month for me. My first four pregnancies were all due in August which always brings up lots of "what if" feelings. August is also the month I found out I was pregnant with BG which brings things all sorts of full circle and does take the sting out a bit.
When I found out I was pregnant with BG, I vowed that I would appreciate every single second because of how long I had waited on her. I would appreciate every single midnight feeding, every load of laundry, every dirty diaper.

Then she came, and I'd be lying if I said that was the case. More than once I wondered what I had done to my life as she screamed for the third hour in a row at two am. More than once I wished she would just let me put her down to get some rest, or do a load of laundry, or just freaking pee.

The most overused piece of advice I hear regarding parenting is to just enjoy it because it goes so fast. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes after hearing that, because, duh, but oh my gosh y'all; it really does go so, so fast.
Have I soaked it in enough? Have I documented enough? Am I going to remember it all?

Probably not. To all three. But I had no idea.. No idea it would go so fast.

There are so many little things that I just want to bottle up and keep to pull out to remember about her. About how she says "it's okay" all the time and at completely inopportune moments. She kicks you in the face? you get a pat and and "it's okay Mommy". Whatever kiddo.

How when she fake laughs she throws her head back and closes her eyes so tight they disappear. How she almost always puts her shoes on the wrong feet. How she rubs your hair and say "you awright Mommy?". How she wants to jump off of every surface. How she throws her hands up and says "tada!" multiple times a day.
Maybe I should have taken more time to just sit with her when she was little. Who knows? I do know that the times I did are engrained in my memory forever. And that on nights like last night when it's just overwhelming me how big she is, I can go back in my head and feel her snuggled into my neck and can smell that sweet smell. I do realize that someday, in my head, I'll be traveling back to when she was two and feeling nostalgic for these days.

And because it really is going so, so fast, that time will probably be tomorrow. At least to this Mom it will feel that way.


Britt said...

This is beautiful.


It's so true. All of it. Everyone says it goes so fast, but you just never stop to think about how fast it really goes!

Catch 22 of parenting bc when they were newborns we wanted them to be bigger, now we want them to be newborns again!


But I do love being a momma. And you are definitely one lucky momma too!

A.B. said...

This got me all teary this morning. I keep looking at G and wondering how he got so big. How he can say so much. How his legs are so long. How when I carry him "like a baby" it's difficult. I long for when he would fall asleep in my arms. I get the ache. Loud and clear.

Sara said...

I think the expression about the days are long, but the years (months still in my case) are short is so very true. Some days are so hard, but I know it's temporary and all too soon, I'll miss the baby stage. I already miss the snuggling. She's so busy now that it's hard to get a cuddle in.

Mandy said...

Such a beautiful post. I've been feeling the same way with both my has it gone so fast...I blinked and babyhood is over:(

Jennifer said...

1. Such a sweet post. Us moms just long for our little ones, especially if we waited a while to be blessed with them.

2. Love the photos! Great shots! You must have a fancy schmancy camera.

3. Love your colorful blog design. It's been awhile since I clicked out of google reader!

Ashley said...

Love your honesty in this one. I feel the same way. I lost one before our son, after having tried for 3 years. Then our beautiful baby boy came, and I told myself I would appreciate every second of every day because of how long we had waited for him. I would love being his mommy. But the opposite was true. I couldn't stand him. I wanted to turn back time...looking back, pretty sure there was some PPD mixed in there. I felt so guilty! So glad that I'm not alone!

Sara said...

Wow, this is such a wonderful post. I feel the same way. I constantly worry at the end of the day if I did everything I could to love him and let him know that I'm here for him. It really does go by SO fast. I'm only 3 months in, but it feels like I blinked and my little newborn is now a smiling babbling baby.

SEL said...

This is an absolutely beautiful post. I hope BG gets to read it someday!


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