Monday, August 26, 2013

the here and now.

Hi blog.

I know it's been a while. Truth be told, I hate how long it's been. And I'm going to do my best to update this little space with what's been going on and what we've been up too. It's time to come back.

Truth is, I run from this place a little bit when I'm feeling.. lost. Which is odd, because at one time this was the first place I ran too. But here, I get a good glimpse of "me" and lately, I haven't wanted to look.

I feel like I've lost "me".

Which sounds totally emo and "whoa is me" but let's see if I can explain.

Ever since moving to Charlotte I've felt off. Which is sort of crazy because I really like this place, but I haven't found my niche.

Or maybe I have. In a niche I don't want.

My life is consumed by work. It is literally, everywhere.

I work with my husband. I work with my best friend. There is never a "quitting time" as we're always together and work quickly pours over into dinner, which pours over into bed time, which pours over into the next morning. It never ends.

Not to mention that I work in an extremely consuming job. It is always something. And 95% of the people I deal with in the business I am in, are extremely poor and make extremely bad decisions which I deal with every single day.

It is mentally exhausting.

I've been working for months to find a way to balance it all and I can't find it.

Some of the most important relationships in my life have fallen apart since I've moved here (which have nothing to do with the move but on top of things...). Which leaves me with this deep sadness that nothing can quite help (and I've tried) and leaves me with a jealousy that is out of control when I see people that have amazing relationships in that department.

So much stress.

Which quickly leads me to feel tired. A tired that is in my bones. That no matter how much sleep I get, I could go right back to dreamland. A tired that makes me want to spend entire days on the couch hiding from everyone watching reruns of Glee after the husband leaves for work and I take my kid to school.

I've actually only done that once. Win.

Somewhere in the madness that is life lately, I lost me. And I kind of miss her.

Usually I can spill a few words on these pages and instantly feel better, but I'm not sure that I've even wanted that lately. To feel better I mean.

And please, this isn't a cry for help or anything like that, this is just me; trying to work through the insanity in my over cluttered head.

Maybe this is a bit of homesickness, though we've moved so much lately I don't even know where "home" is.

Maybe this is a bit of sadness as I've left tiny pieces of my heart in two different places in less than a year and it's catching up to me now.

Maybe I'm just mentally exhausted by the every day demands of a job that just won't quit (which I love, but might be the death of me).

I don't know.

I just know that lately, I'm tired.

I haven't figured out what life is trying to show me lately. What God is trying to show me. Which that second part is my fault as I've basically shut down all communication with Him since I moved here.

There's the problem. Duh.

The discontent that is raging has a direct correlation to the fact that I've let that relationship come last since I moved here.

He gets the very last of me; the remnants left over at the end of a way too full day. Which isn't fair. Or right.

I'm just so tired.

The good thing? I've sat down here and put it in words. Words are finally spilling out which means I'm probably ready to start fixing things. Fixing me. Which is good. Because I kind of miss her.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

4 years ago.

I kind of love the Timehop app. It's so fun to open that thing up and see what I was doing one, two, and three years ago.

Yesterday, I opened it up to a status from four years ago. In the status I was complaining about how completely exhausted I was at a soccer tournament I was participating in.

I giggled when I read it because I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how tired I was. How sore I was. How on Saturday I just knew I wouldn't be able to move at all on Sunday let along play another three or four games.

I also remember how unbelievably preoccupied I was that whole weekend. Our uniform shorts were white and I just KNEW I was going to start my period out there in the middle of that field. I rushed to the bathroom every single break just knowing it was going to come.

But it never did.

My Timehop app status from four years ago today? "....well that's one heck of a curve ball."

And it was. Because that Monday, I went to work just as preoccupied as I had been all weekend continuing to wait on something that wasn't going to come.

I went about my day four years ago like normal. Putting in IV's, doing tests, helping in surgery; but deep inside I knew. I knew that I was pregnant. That I was fixing to embark on a journey that could be really, really short again, or that could change my life forever.

At lunch, my co-worker Donna suggested we go get a test because even she could see how worked up I was. So after too much Mexican food, I hopped into CVS before heading back to work.

One positive test, one immediate panic attack, so many tears. I was terrified. But absolutely overjoyed at what that test meant.

Four years ago. Wow. Never in my life could I imagine how much one little person could change my life. She is hands down, the best little person I've ever known. She's taught me to love in a way I never thought I was capable of.

The last four years have been so, so hard but they have been so, so good. SO good.

She's the last remaining puzzle piece that was missing in my life. And I thank God that four years ago, He saw fit to bless me with a "yes". Because that yes is my heart and soul. And life is better because of her.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin