wordless wednesday: you know it's been a good nap...

Check out that fierce hand print! Someone was sleeping good!

struggling.

Still trying to download pictures. To a picture fiend like me, my card not working is absolutely unacceptable.

But apparently it doesn't care.

I'm struggling right now y'all. Not going to lie.

I am absolutely exhausted. I mean, I realize I'm not exhausted, but I am pretty freakin' tired. And my child sleeps at night so I have no idea what I would do if she didn't.

My problem is my new schedule is killing me smalls. Flat killing me. I now get up each morning by 5.30. Every. single. morning.

Gone are the days of sleeping in, and while my babe is completely worth it, I am a sleepy creature! I would give up food for sleep and that's saying something. I lurve sleep. I would marry sleep and have it's babies. Of course if I had another baby I'd get less sleep, so maybe sleep and I should just get married and remain childless.

See. I'm delusional.

As I was saying (back on track girl, you can do it...), I'm up each morning at 5.30 am. I remember when I used to get home at 5.30. Those were the days... because then I slept til 2. That's pm.

I'm never going to get this story told.

I've found that I need to be showered and ready to start the day by the time Baby Girl gets up at six, so I get up at 5.30 and hit the shower and get dressed. At 6, she gets up and eats. By the time she finishes it's about 6.30. I get her changed and dressed and then she plays for a while while I pump. I've found that if I get up a few minutes earlier, I can pump before she even gets up so that she can have my full attention during play time. But then I miss 20 more minutes of sleep. I think about this sleep thing way too much... Then I finish getting ready while BG chills in the bouncy chair watching me.

On days that BG doesn't go to daycare and stays home with me (Tuesday & Sat) or the days we go in late to daycare (Monday), I put her back down for a nap about 7.15 and I crawl back into bed til she gets up again at 9. Those days are my best friends.

On the other days, I try to get her to daycare by 7.30 because I know she's ready for a nap by that point. I love my mornings with her though and sometimes drag them out too long sending her into a lack of sleep meltdown.

And then I hand her to the sitter. ;)

I kid.

Kind of.

Anyway. I get off at 5 or 5.30 and pick up BG if Mr. Perfect hasn't yet. When I get home, it's time to feed her and then all I want to do is play with her. Some where in there I throw in some dinner. Then she usually catnaps between 8 and 9 and I can get some housework done.

Some is not acceptable. I am a clean freak.

She eats last at 9 and then it's bedtime for her. She's in the bed by ten.

And I'm so tired I can't see straight. But there's so much still left to do; bottles need to be washed, diaper bag needs to be packed up, house needs tending to, dogs need some attention...

It never ends. And did you see me write work out in that time?

No. Because I cannot find the time. And I miss working out something fierce, but I cannot tear myself away from her at night because I haven't seen her all day.

I am out of hours in the day and I'm running on E. I think it's why I'm trying to get sick right now. I'm just burning the wick on both ends and it's not working.

My problem is a scheduling issue. I just cannot possibly get it all done. There is no way. Unfortunately God only gave me two hands and I need about six. And it's killing me to not get it all done. I feel like so much in my life is being let down right now.

I rush out of work at five now and I feel like I'm letting my co-workers down because I refuse to stay late. I miss my kid. My poor dogs haven't been on a run in forever. I feel like I'm letting them down. I have almost no time to just sit down and watch a movie with Mr. Perfect or just sit and talk to him and that's hurting us. I feel so disconnected right now. I have no time to go running and I miss it. Big time. I feel so much better about myself when I'm running and I just plain feel better. Plus, while I'm a huge fan of muffins, I'm not feeling the one that is currently residing on my waistline. Ga-ross.

Everything will be fine. I get that. It's just this transition is wearing me down. And it's making me angry at those around me. Not cool devil man. Leave this girl alone.

Just needed to vent. Now I'm going to take a nap at the office over lunch. Judge away. I'm too tired to care!

i miss sleep.

When I was little, I had to have the radio on to sleep. I would sing along for a little bit, but eventually I would just drift off to dreamland. I could not sleep without that noise. Probably something to do with how I can't turn my mind off.

Then in high school, I added the tv. I would go to sleep to a good movie or television show. The lights flashing didn't even phase me. I could not sleep without it.

At my senior prom one of my girlfriends took a college boy as her date. That night, the boy, Chris, slept through one of the loudest parties ever. Like slept in the middle of it. I was in awe. How on earth does one sleep through "Animal House" 2.0? He told me to wait til I got to college and I would understand.

Then I did. My dorm was full of screaming co-eds and they never bothered me. I was an athlete, so I got up super early in the morning and napped in the afternoon and I could have slept through the second coming. My roommate at the time couldn't sleep with any noise. So long nightly radio and tv. We slept with a fan. I was so tired all the time that I didn't care.

When I got out of college, my sleep patterns changed. I couldn't handle any noise at all but the fan. Thank you college roomie for ruining me. Noises outside drove me crazy. I would find myself focusing on every little sound and it keeping me awake all night. I was starting to miss my sleep.

Then I got married. Now I love my husband, but the boy is a snorer. I spent a good portion of the first couple months of our marriage sleeping on the couch, or the guest bed. I could not take it. We got a noise maker and eventually I learned that if I turned the noisemaker on and got to sleep first, I could sleep for a few hours til he would wake me up in the middle of the night. Sleeping next to him turned out to be worth it all though..

Now Mr. Perfect has a sleep machine. Oh. My. Gosh. I loathe this thing. It hums, it whispers, and it sounds like Darth Vader coming to kill me in my sleep. I can hear it over the noisemaker, I can hear it over the fan, I can even hear it over the dogs. I can't sleep. It freaks me out. I just sit there and listen to it hum and breathe. Yes, it breathes.

I friggin' miss my sleep. I am so tired, but he has to have this machine. Anyone else sleep with this wannabe alien in their room? How do you cope sleep with it on?!? I can't do earplugs. They make my ears feel dirty. I already tried them.

Must find coffee. Somehow I need to function today.