the four that came first.

There was a question the other week on BG's application for school that took my breath away;

"Any other children in the house?".

For just a second, I couldn't breathe. It was back. That suffocating feeling of the knowledge that there are four little lives whose laughter will never fill my house.

Then BG laughed and I was back. I was here and so was she. All was okay.

My first miscarriage never really registered with me. Hear me out. I was not in any way, shape or form ready for a child. Obviously we were excited and we were handling things but we weren't ready. In a way, when that loss happened, I could chalk it up to it not being the right time. Maybe that's weird, but it's how I felt. It also felt surreal. I can still remember the doctor telling me there was no heartbeat, but it's almost like watching someone else go through that.

My second miscarriage hurt. It hurt bad. It was a baby that we were trying for. It's different somehow. I know it shouldn't be, but it was. One week we're watching a baby bounce around on the screen and the next week I'm watching a doctor prepare his face to give me the worst news you can give a pregnant lady. Another hospital. Another surgical procedure. Another loss.

My third loss lead us to a reproductive endocrinologist. Our ob was out of answers and being at a third loss qualifies you for all sorts of fun titles in the infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss world. My heart hurt as we ran test after test and couldn't find answers for why this just didn't seem to be happening for us.

We took a few years off to let our hearts heal and to figure out our next plan of attack. In 2008, we got pregnant again. We were seeing our RE at the time and taking every precaution we could. After a few weeks, bedrest and multiple "scares" we went in for the appointment that changed it all. I laid on that table and knew. My oh so sweet doctor was silent for fifteen minutes while he looked around and took measurements. I was already crying when he said that he was sorry, but he just couldn't find a heart beat.

Gah. My heart still just hurts..

I hate that we had to go through that. I truly, truly do. I still can't think about it too much because I can't take it. The emotions are still so raw, still so fresh. Perhaps they always will be.

I was a mother for years before I had Baby Girl. From my very first positive test, I was a Mom.

Those losses do not hold me back. I can't wallow in them. I talk about them because talking about them makes others realize they aren't alone. Because when I went through them? I felt alone. It was awful and it made it ten times worse. More like a million times worse.

We came out on the other side. We have one adorable little girl and our lives and our hearts are so full. She made this family complete.

I'm so grateful to the first four. The ones who paved the way for BG to get here. She has some amazing brothers and sisters.

Everything about them is packed away. It's in a file. I don't take it out and look at it but I don't need to. They're in my heart and in the scars on my belly that show the journey that they took me on. Their scars are right next to the ones that BG left behind. All my kids have left a mark. I love it.

So today on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I allow myself a little more time to think of them. And to share with you again my story.

I'll also be squeezing my little one a bit tighter and thanking God that after so much loss, He gave me the biggest blessing ever.

Thinking of all the families out there who have lost an infant whether it be by miscarriage or something different. You're in my thoughts.

a year ago.

This time last year, Mr. Perfect and I packed up and headed to Small Town, SC for Thanksgiving.

We had just found out that we were having a precious baby girl the week before. I smiled and rubbed my belly the whole day as family congratulated us and told us they'd been praying.

A year ago I thanked God for how blessed I was and couldn't imagine being any happier than I was in that moment.

Til now. Now as we make that same trip, only this time with my precious seven month old baby girl snoring away in the backseat.

I am so thankful for that little girl. I am so blessed that this is my life.

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October 15th.

I had a fun post for today, but then I remembered what today was.

It's National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I took my very first pregnancy test in my apartment in Savannah. I paced back and forth wringing my hands as I waited the longest three minutes of my life. At the end of the elapsed time, I went in to the bathroom and saw the sign that forever changed my life.

Seven weeks later, I had my first miscarriage.

Whether you deliver the baby or not, the minute you conceive, you carry a life within you. And if that life ends, it will be devastating. It will be a ridiculously hard thing to go through. It will probably break your heart.

I have to be brutally honest. As much happiness as Baby Girl brings me (and it is A LOT), she will never, ever replace the four babies that we lost. She does make it easier to deal with, but she's not them. I don't know if it's ever something you get over.

It's so isolating. Honestly, it's something Mr. Perfect and I don't even talk about. I don't know a father's take on this, because honestly? We don't talk about it. It's hard y'all. I know it all broke his heart too. It's kind of something we back burner. Does that make sense?

Today I remember the four I lost.

I also pray and remember those families that lost their babies here on Earth. I am in awe of their strength. I honestly do not think I could handle saying good-bye to a baby on this Earth. My heart breaks for families that have had to.

So hug your babies a little tighter today. Say an extra prayer of thanks.

And then remember those who can't. Pray for my dear friend Megan and her husband, Brent, who lost their precious baby Cohen this year. Then pray for the other families that have lost their precious babies. And I know there are so many more..

It's good to take one day and know that our babies will never be forgotten. Whether they ever breathed air on this Earth or not, they were, and will always be loved.

Here's the website if you want to know more: http://www.iamtheface.org/

parenting = fail.

Mr. Perfect and I had an epic parenting fail the other day.

I knew it was coming, but it still sucked.

It was actually my second one. But whose counting??

One morning, I got the bright idea to try and trim BG's fingernails real quick before I took her to the sitter. This was months ago. I now know to only do her nails when she's asleep or eating.

But it took me practically cutting off her finger to learn that.

Okay, so it wasn't that bad.

Basically I got the end of her finger in the clippers and chopped the skin off.

She didn't even realize it. She sat there in her car seat just looking at me with those big blue eyes as her finger bled all over the place.

I'm not kidding y'all. It would not quit bleeding.

I lost it. I could not quit crying. I went to the back and woke up Mr. Perfect. She still had no idea what was going on, but I couldn't even look at her. I might as well have cut off her arm for as bad as I felt.

So new parents that we were, we decided to stick a bandaid on her finger. On the tip. A regular bandaid.

Does anyone see where I'm going with this?

By the time I got to the sitter, there was no longer a bandaid. Her finger had quit bleeding though thanks to the fact that it was in her mouth.

Oh. good. gracious. Now I've lost the freakin' bandaid.

Thankfully I found it in the bottom of her carseat. After many, many more tears.

After that, we were doing very well for a while. No big mishaps to report. I was starting to think "Hey, we kind of rock at this!".

Bahahaha.

We bought BG a duck tub a while ago that she loves. But for the longest time, it was still too big for her. When she got to the point where she was flailing about in the tub and trying to play, but still couldn't sit up on her own, it became quite an adventure to bathe her.

One night, Mr. Perfect was bathing her and all of sudden, whoop, feet went flying and she went under.

Y'all. I was horrified.

He had her up in two seconds, but she was pissed.

I sat in the back with my hands over my mouth. She was fine and he hadn't taken his hands off of her, she just, slipped.

But I sat behind him in the bathroom all Smug Mama thinking "that would never happen to me...".

So the next night, I gave her a bath since Mr. P had to work late. We're hanging out chilling in the tub and she's leaning over reaching for one of her duck toys.

She's reaching, she's reaching...

Then I realized that my hand I have on her back to support her, is now literally holding her face. in. the. water.

What the crap?!?!

She bent over so far that she put her face in the water. She came up pissed.

I would be pissed too. Her parents tried to break her two nights in a row. What is wrong with us?!?

So neither time was really bad (please don't call child protective services, I swear she's fine!), but they horrified us. I never want this little one to get hurt.

It's a good thing these little babes are so tough.

It's also a good thing that we get a little better at this parenting thing each day. For BG's sake.

monster playdate.

A while back, I posted about a shower that I threw for a former co-worker of mine. The clinic that KT and I worked at at the time, was going through a little baby boom while we were employed there. I posted a picture of five of us that were all pregnant and at that shower.

Three of us got together the other night with another former co-worker and her baby for one big 'ol play date.

My friend, Ashley, and her son were visiting from Texas and we wanted to get all the babies together while she was in town. It's so crazy that all of us used to work together and now have babies around the same age. It was so good to spend some time with Ashley and catch up with the other girls, who live around here, but we just don't have the time to hang out that we used to!




All of us- KT & T-bear (7 months), Emma & Mollie (6 months), BG (4 months)and myself, and Ashley & Colton (3.5 months).
I love how my child clearly knows how to work the camera. Obviously she never has pictures taken of herself...

We tried to get a picture of the babies all lined up. Not so easy.






Of course, somehow BG got hit in the face (have you seen those cheeks?! They're everywhere!) and melted down, leading to a chain reaction of melt downs. My child people.

We managed to get a good one of BG & T-bear. T-bear has a little crush on Miss Girl.. Shh...

KT & T-bear.


Ashley & BG- she couldn't wait to hold BG. I think the chubby baby thighs just drew her in.

Colton & I


After KT & Emma left with their kiddos, Ashley and I sat around and caught up some while the kiddos ate. Ashley battles with PCOS and had a hard time getting her little man here. We've seen each other through a lot of heartache to get our babies and it was so nice to sit there with our little babies and see how far we've come. Then we swapped horror labor stories and both gave our reasons on why we only want one! Good laughs there.

It's crazy to hang out with these girls and see how much everyone's lives have changed. I had a great time growing up with them, but honestly? I like this stage of our lives so much more. I can't imagine a better Friday night than hanging out with good friends and amazing babies....

doctor update.

A couple of weeks ago, Mr. Perfect and I got a call from our specialist saying we had results in on some tests they had ran following Baby Girl's birth.

Per Dr. O's (our specialist) suggestion, we agreed to having BG's placenta reviewed by a pathologist to see if we could answer any lingering questions regarding my fertility issues. Dr. O was hoping that we could see how the placenta handled the pregnancy and if it would answer some remaining questions on the past miscarriages and also hopefully give us some insight to future pregnancies that we may consider.

The results were basically what we expected.

Apparently the placenta was small compared to BG's birth weight. First example of a not completely healthy one. Second, it had some areas that had started to go necrotic. That would explain why BG had stopped growing in utero and was also my worst fear. Thankfully our docs monitored her so well that that did not become an issue. The placenta showed that it was very obviously "handled with medication". A good clue to show us that this protocol would probably be needed in future pregnancies. Super fun.

There was one area that showed a problem between where BG's blood came in contact with mine. Basically (and this is high science stuff so I'm trying to explain it best I can being as how I had to have "regular people" explain it to me), it showed an area where BG had either tried to reject the nutrition that placenta was sending her, or there is a possibility that it shows where BG has picked up some malformations from me. Meaning, there is a possibility that she can have the same blood flow, cardiovascular issues I have. My issues show in my reproductive organs. We wouldn't know where hers would show.

It's all such complicated, medical jargon. Our specialist is a leading researcher in this field, so he gives us a lot of theories and possibilities. There is a possibility that she will never have an issue. There's a possibility she could have reproductive issues. There's a possibility that she could carry some of the same gene mutations I have.

I can't worry about all that right now. I'm sure that by the time all this would come in to play with her, the medical field will be ten times more advanced and she may have no issues at all. She will know my history so perhaps that will help. As of right now, she's a perfectly healthy four month old. I'm not worrying about things that can't be dealt with right now.

As for me. I still had some elevated cardiovascular levels that came back during pregnancy. I am supposed to go get a a complete work up to see where my levels are now. It's possible that the stress of the pregnancy elevated some levels and they may be normal now. That's what we're hoping for. If they are still elevated, I may be sent to a cardiologist for some work ups. Once again, all this just ties in with my blood flow system and how it basically sucks. I have started up one of my supplements because the minute after I had her and quit my meds, my headaches came back full force. So now I'm trying to control those with the supplement. I haven't started back up on the Metformin yet, as Dr. O wants to know my levels first. Other than the one supplement, I am medication free at the moment. And it feels great.

As for future pregnancies. Honestly, we are kind of closed off to any right now. Mr. Perfect and I joke a lot about how we're never doing this again, but I can't tell how much of that we are serious about it. I will say that as of right now, it is not in the cards. For me personally, (I can't speak for him as his thoughts aren't my story to tell) I am not looking forward to the protocol again. I can't even begin to imagine feeling the way I did while pregnant with BG running around. I don't think it would be fair to her to not be able to pick her up because I'm so sore and bruised from shots. To not be able to spend time with her because the meds have me so exhausted and sick that I can't see straight. Ugh. It makes me sad to even think about.

Then there is this. As devastating as our miscarriages were prior to BG, I think that going through one post her would be ten times worse. For some reason, now that I've met her and see what I have with her, losing the chance to have that again would be horrible.

Does that make sense?

Probably not. But it does to me. It's like I know now what we would be missing. Crazy I know, but that's the way my mind works.

So all that to say, plan for now is for BG to be our one and only. It's just so much to go through.

Then I think how bad I want her to have siblings. Or I see pictures of little babies on Twitter and I get a big 'ol case of the baby fever. We shall see.

Never say never.

I'm just glad we have some answers. And I'm super, super glad that all this worked and we have our girl.

a year ago...

It's been one year.

A year ago I was at work and just knew I was pregnant. I was making my coworker crazy worrying about it, so at lunch we drove to the drugstore and picked up a test.

I think we all know what it said.

I had the mother of all panic attacks. I called Mr. Perfect absolutely hysterical. It wasn't time for us to be pregnant. We weren't supposed to try til September. We were being "safe".

Well God had different plans.

Our lives are completely changed. She is the best thing that has ever happened to our family. She makes everything that we went through to get her absolutely worth it. She makes every loss, every shot, every scare, every doctors appointment, okay in my book. I would go through everything, all the learning, all the heartbreak, everything; for her.

I never really "got" it. When mother's talked about the love for a child, I thought "well, I love my dog that much". I couldn't fathom this love they spoke of.

I totally get it now.

I will never stop thanking God for her. I don't know why we were chosen to be her parents, but I praise Him everyday for choosing us.

One year ago we got a notice that it was time to grow up. That it was no longer about us. That someone else would forever come first.

It's been the best year of my life.

I'm more tired than I ever thought I could be. I drink more coffee than any one person should. I'm wearing the exact same clothes over and over because I spend my money on her now. I'm a different person than I was a year ago and I am so glad.

Because this new person is the Mommy to the sweetest little girl. I still can't believe I got so lucky.

technology break.

As I hope most of you are doing, I'm taking a little break from the blogging world tomorrow in remembrance of my friend Megan's baby boy. But more than that, I'm stepping away from the computer altogether.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep up with everything so I don't feel bad about missing what another person says/does. I feel bad when I can't get all the e-mails answered, all the blogs read, and all the new pictures looked at. So in trying to keep up, I spend way too much time at the computer.

Guess who suffers from that?

None of the people whose one tweet I miss, but my precious family. It's their time that gets taken away when I'm on the computer.

So tomorrow, I'll be praying for my sweet friend and her family, and I'll be holding my babe a little bit tighter and a little bit longer. Because she's growing too fast and there's too many people who don't get to hold their babies this side of heaven. And since mine is here, I never want her to feel like she comes second. Ever.

So no Facebook, no blog, no Twitter... Let's see how much I really miss. I have a feeling she'll more than make up for it with sweet kisses..

Please pray for Megan tomorrow.. I can't even imagine what she's going through.

to my daughter

My dearest Baby Girl,

I feel so incredibly blessed to be celebrating my first Mother's Day with you sweet angel. I thank God every day that He chose me to be your Mother. I can't think of a greater blessing.

I want you to know that you are one loved child. You've been prayed for and longed for for years. God always knew that He was going to give you to us, even when we didn't. You are one wanted child.

On this day I look back at all the things I've gone though in my life and all the things I've learned and I know it was all to prepare me to be a Mother to you. You changed my life sweet girl in such a good way. These past five weeks have not been easy, but I hope you continue to be patient with me as we figure each other out. I don't think you are going to be a meek, quiet child and that's okay because I'm already so in love with your strong willed spirit. I pray that you'll always be surrounded by the love and support you currently have and that you'll grow to love God and live your life for Him.

You are your parents world sweet girl. You will always be our miracle baby. Thanks for sticking with us. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life loving you. I am so happy to be your Mother.

Love,

Mama

postpartum. the nasty, nasty truth.

I have struggled with this post for a while. But then I figured, I was completely shell shocked by how I have felt these last few weeks and if I can give one person a heads up, then good.

Everyone tells you about pregnancy hormones. On more than one occasion, people joked about it with Mr. Perfect, or with me. It's widely known that pregnant women = not the most rational. This is perfectly accepted. It's expected. I got emails all the time from my pregnancy subscriptions warning me of how I might feel. There's chapters in the baby books. I knew that I was being irrational when I was pregnant, but it was ok. The books said so.

What nobody told me is how I would feel after she got here. Yes, I knew I would be exhausted, I knew I would get frustrated. I didn't know that at times I would look at her and wonder how I got here? Most of the times that was at 3 am when she'd been screaming for hours.

Nobody told me that breastfeeding would make me feel like a complete failure. That junk is hard. I honestly thought it would just be something I could do. No one told me that it might not work for the two of us. No one warned me that she might possibly nurse for hours and still not be satisfied. No one told me that formula might be something we just had to do.

Thankfully I have a few friends who just went though this. My friend, KW, just showed up one day after I didn't answer her texts for a few days. She had gone through the same thing after she had her daughter. Sometimes she would just bust into tears for no reason. I couldn't understand back in September why she wouldn't answer my texts. Now I know.

My best friend, KP, couldn't breatfeed and wouldn't talk about it. I didn't understand how it could be that big of a deal. I couldn't understand why it was so hard. Now I know.

My emotions are out of control. I will be absolutely fine and then something will hit me and I am a disaster. I will go a complete day without touching my phone. Ignoring all texts and calls. I know I'm being a craptastic friend, but honestly? don't care.

Motherhood is hard. I prepared myself for the pregnancy. I even (kind of) prepared myself for the labor and delivery. But I never prepared myself for coming home with her. Its just me and her. Day after day. I've said it before, but I'm not good on my own. I get really down without human companionship and daily interaction with adults. So in ways, this is beating me down emotionally.

I was really beating myself up about breastfeeding. I thought it was my fault and I was taking it very personally that this wasn't going so well for us. Then I got an email from an awesome friend that made me realize I needed to chill out. So I'm going to see a lactation person tomorrow and see if she can help us, but if she can't, well, I'm not beating myself up about it. I tried.

Last night as I changed diaper number 300 of the day at 4:00 am I looked down at Baby Girl and fell in love all over again. I do that about 70 times a day. Because the thing is, yea, this is hard on me, but its hormones and it's NORMAL. It may not be talked about as often as the hormones of pregnancy, but its very real. But the fact of the matter is, I can't stop thanking God for this little angel. When I'm up at night feeding her, I remember how long I was afraid I would never have the chance to do the late night feedings, or change my child's diaper. I waited years for this and if I have to take the bad with the good, I will. Because shes so worth it.

pictures from our time at the hospital...

Just a few pictures of our first few days together...

April 1

Last shot of just the two of us..


At the hospital


Still had it good here..


Doesn't he look super comfortable?

Baby Girl's Birthday- April 3
Got my epidural- go time!









Us with Gina






great-grands


First diaper change.



My after labor dinner. Absolutely delicious.

Day 4- April 4

My miracle baby with her miracle worker

Sharing our Easter dinner with Baby Girl


More visitors..


Meeting her new bestie!

Day 5- April 5, headed home!