just one of them days...

"That a girl goes through.." Thanks Monica.

Good grief.

I am the type of person that does not do well with frustration. I don't like when people don't say what they mean, don't like waiting on other people, don't like when I can't make something better when something is clearly wrong.

So when a nine month old has one of her "off" days where naps are non-existent and crying and fussing are the norm, I sort of want to hang myself with my rapidly fraying rope.

Our morning started off grand. BG slept until eight thirty. I actually woke up at seven thirty and upon realizing I hadn't heard from her, had a mild panic attack and convinced myself she wasn't breathing and ran to her room.

She just wanted to sleep late. Fine by me.

When she woke up an hour later, she was cranky. Very odd. And it just got worse.

She was fine til time for her first nap. She was not having it.

Eventually I gave up, and then, so did she. She conked out at lunch time.

I scarfed down some food and twenty five minutes later, she was raring to go again.

We had a little Baby Einstein time..


..practiced climbing on furniture..


..figured out our "tippy toes"..


..read the paper..


and chased the cat.


Know what I didn't mention?

A nap.

Because apparently this girl don't need no nap.

She got super fussy right around two forty five, which is nap time. I went through the nap time routine and put her to bed.

She screamed for over an hour.

We rocked, we cuddled, we walked, we Ben-Gayed the teeth.

Mama got punched in the face, the tata's, the lip. She didn't want to be held, didn't want to lay down, didn't want to get down.

It was not good times.

I actually had to set her down and walk away. I couldn't deal. She was not happy with anything.

Fortunately after during a small bottle, she passed out in my arms.

I just held her and rocked her and thanked God for her even in these not so fun times.

Then I prayed for her husband, wherever he is, because he needs to be building up strength now.

She woke up about twenty minutes later with the smile I love on her face. Then she showed Daddy the new trick she picked up today.

She crawls on her hands and feet now. It's hilarious. You can kind of see it in this video which got really long because I just like watching her.

Stalkerazzi.

And then.. Daddy took the baby and Mama for mexican and beers.

Amazingly, all is right with the world again.

No one said this would be easy.

honest.

Want to know a truth about me?

95% of the time, I am really as happy as I portray on my blog.

I have no complaints during those times. I'm enjoying my job, my marriage is all lovey dovey, and my child is perfect.

About 4% of the time, I'm bored or angry. Yes. I get fired up mad. It goes away quickly though and then I'm back in the 95th percentile.

I like it much better there.

Then there's the side of me that I try my best to hide. It's the side that comes out when I've spent too much time alone, or I'm really tired, or I'm hormonal.

It's when I get really discontent.

I've been struggling with this for a while now. I know most of this stems from the fact that I'm plain tired. I get irritable and cranky and just down right mean. There's no excuse.

At these times, I snap at Mr. Perfect, or quit talking to him, or blame him for things he's not even doing. I get mad that he's able to sleep through BG crying or that he didn't fold my clothes exactly like I wanted him too.

I start to hate my job. I withdraw from talking to coworkers and I pout through a lot of the day.

I get frustrated easily with the dogs. They bark too much and eat too much (I realize I am irrational).

I start to compare myself to others. They have more, they make more, they drive better cars.

I drive a two door car. It was an impulse buy two years ago and it's completely impractical. I am dying for a new car. It literally hurts to load BG into that car and I'm so over it.

I went car shopping on Saturday and came home empty handed. I couldn't stop crying.

Then on Sunday, our sermon was on God's gifts that He gives to us. How there is no bad gift. That combined with something Mr. Perfect said to me on Saturday as I stood in our driveway crying like a spoiled brat (wow, I'm writing a super flattering post tonite huh?!), really hit me like a ton of bricks.

Who am I to complain because I don't have designer clothes like so many others? Because I don't drive a brand new car? Because my child won't go to sleep at night because she'd rather be up with us?

There are so many people that are still waiting for their perfect match. That still have empty arms waiting for a child. That don't have a job and a roof over their head. That don't have a car.

What kind of brat am I that I think I should just have it all?

The thing is, the sin that I struggle with the most, is coveting what others have.

I'm fine with my job. If I see someone that makes more money, I want their job.

I'm fine with my clothes. Til I see people wearing a new outfit everyday.

You see where I'm going?

So sometimes, I have to smack myself and let reality sink in. I step away from the computer and focus on how blessed I am. And I am so blessed. I know this. I know I have an amazing husband, an incredible daughter, a nice home, a reliable car...

Sometimes I just need a swift kick in the head to remind me.

struggling.

Still trying to download pictures. To a picture fiend like me, my card not working is absolutely unacceptable.

But apparently it doesn't care.

I'm struggling right now y'all. Not going to lie.

I am absolutely exhausted. I mean, I realize I'm not exhausted, but I am pretty freakin' tired. And my child sleeps at night so I have no idea what I would do if she didn't.

My problem is my new schedule is killing me smalls. Flat killing me. I now get up each morning by 5.30. Every. single. morning.

Gone are the days of sleeping in, and while my babe is completely worth it, I am a sleepy creature! I would give up food for sleep and that's saying something. I lurve sleep. I would marry sleep and have it's babies. Of course if I had another baby I'd get less sleep, so maybe sleep and I should just get married and remain childless.

See. I'm delusional.

As I was saying (back on track girl, you can do it...), I'm up each morning at 5.30 am. I remember when I used to get home at 5.30. Those were the days... because then I slept til 2. That's pm.

I'm never going to get this story told.

I've found that I need to be showered and ready to start the day by the time Baby Girl gets up at six, so I get up at 5.30 and hit the shower and get dressed. At 6, she gets up and eats. By the time she finishes it's about 6.30. I get her changed and dressed and then she plays for a while while I pump. I've found that if I get up a few minutes earlier, I can pump before she even gets up so that she can have my full attention during play time. But then I miss 20 more minutes of sleep. I think about this sleep thing way too much... Then I finish getting ready while BG chills in the bouncy chair watching me.

On days that BG doesn't go to daycare and stays home with me (Tuesday & Sat) or the days we go in late to daycare (Monday), I put her back down for a nap about 7.15 and I crawl back into bed til she gets up again at 9. Those days are my best friends.

On the other days, I try to get her to daycare by 7.30 because I know she's ready for a nap by that point. I love my mornings with her though and sometimes drag them out too long sending her into a lack of sleep meltdown.

And then I hand her to the sitter. ;)

I kid.

Kind of.

Anyway. I get off at 5 or 5.30 and pick up BG if Mr. Perfect hasn't yet. When I get home, it's time to feed her and then all I want to do is play with her. Some where in there I throw in some dinner. Then she usually catnaps between 8 and 9 and I can get some housework done.

Some is not acceptable. I am a clean freak.

She eats last at 9 and then it's bedtime for her. She's in the bed by ten.

And I'm so tired I can't see straight. But there's so much still left to do; bottles need to be washed, diaper bag needs to be packed up, house needs tending to, dogs need some attention...

It never ends. And did you see me write work out in that time?

No. Because I cannot find the time. And I miss working out something fierce, but I cannot tear myself away from her at night because I haven't seen her all day.

I am out of hours in the day and I'm running on E. I think it's why I'm trying to get sick right now. I'm just burning the wick on both ends and it's not working.

My problem is a scheduling issue. I just cannot possibly get it all done. There is no way. Unfortunately God only gave me two hands and I need about six. And it's killing me to not get it all done. I feel like so much in my life is being let down right now.

I rush out of work at five now and I feel like I'm letting my co-workers down because I refuse to stay late. I miss my kid. My poor dogs haven't been on a run in forever. I feel like I'm letting them down. I have almost no time to just sit down and watch a movie with Mr. Perfect or just sit and talk to him and that's hurting us. I feel so disconnected right now. I have no time to go running and I miss it. Big time. I feel so much better about myself when I'm running and I just plain feel better. Plus, while I'm a huge fan of muffins, I'm not feeling the one that is currently residing on my waistline. Ga-ross.

Everything will be fine. I get that. It's just this transition is wearing me down. And it's making me angry at those around me. Not cool devil man. Leave this girl alone.

Just needed to vent. Now I'm going to take a nap at the office over lunch. Judge away. I'm too tired to care!

First Mother's Day

I had the best Mother's Day with Mr. Perfect and Baby Girl. They are awesome and truly made my first Mother's Day memorable.

I opened my card and presents on Saturday. I'm a sucker for a card and Mr. Perfect found me the cutest one from BG. And the dogs. I do have 5 kids now. =)

Yes, my child is screaming in all of these. Welcome to La Casa de Imperfect. It's loud now.


I got the sweetest Willow Tree figurine from Mr. Perfect. I absolutely love it. He also got me a watch which I desperately needed. Maybe I'll make it places on time now.



Probably not.

We spent Saturday just hanging around the house. Or I assume we did. I honestly can't remember. Isn't that a sign of sleep deprivation?!?

We decided that we were going to go to church for the first time since her arrival for Mother's Day. Not Sunday School, just church. Baby steps..

Trying to get anywhere with a child is going to be the death of me.

I am so used to waking up about 30 minutes before I have to be somewhere and running around like crazy getting ready. It works for me.

For Baby Girl.. not so much?

I waited til the last minute to get her dressed (she tends to go through outfits like water) and made sure that everything else was done first. Mr. Perfect packed the diaper bag while I got ready and then we got her dressed.

No sooner did I have her dress on than she had an explosive diaper. Of course.

I had gotten us up super early so we could get to church early.

Ha.

After we got her cleaned up and calmed down enough for the car ride, we were no longer on schedule to be early. Dangit. So much for my grand plan to get there early and figure out where the nursery was.

I initially wanted to take her into church with us. Then I remembered who my child was and her tendency to bust into screams without a moments notice and quickly vetoed that idea. So off to the nursery we went.

She was the youngest one in there and this older lady, Elaine, took to her immediately. Baby Girl was putty in her hands. I'm telling you, rocking and holding this girl is the key to her heart. She'll go with anyone who wants to rock her.

It was so nice to get back to church. Of course I struggled to stay awake the whole time. Oh fun exhaustion.

After church we headed to eat with the grandparents and then over to their house to take pictures. BG was so good at the restaurant, but come picture time, she was screaming again. I hope she realizes she better become okay with the camera!

My girl & I


Our family

My ♥

My girl in her precious little outfit

Mr. Perfect watched BG for the rest of the day so I could relax. I tried to sleep but couldn't so I spent my time catching up on blogs and Face*book. Always a good time.

It was the perfect day. I am so, so blessed.

weekend wrap-up part 1.

Wow. I am exhausted.

Saturday my friend Turstal and I threw a baby shower for our bestie, KT. Of course being the procrastinator I am, I had a ton of stuff left to do Friday night to have everything ready for Saturday. No big deal, I thought while sitting at work on Friday. Right.

So Friday afternoon, Turstal calls me and makes my day gives me news that send me into panic mode. Her son has the swine flu. She's not coming to the shower so as not to be around the 5(!) pregnant girls that will be there. Oh, and she still has a list of stuff to do as well. Oh... and she forgot to order the diaper cake.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?!?!?!?

I wasn't mad at her at all. Totally disappointed that she wasn't going to get to be there, and yes, stressed that my to-do list just grew by epic proportions.

Well I got it all done. Even managed to squeeze in dinner with my friend AP and her mom. I might have had to stay up til 1 am and I might have had to enlist Mr. Perfect's help in the making of the diaper cake (thank you google for your step-by-step instructions!) but I was almost completely ready to go by the time I went to bed Friday night.

He was pretty excited about rolling up some diapers.


Not too shabby for my first attempt huh? Remember, I am not crafty AT ALL!


Saturday morning I got up and ran a few last minute errands. Mr. Perfect and I headed to the grocery store for food for us him to make for the shower. Then I packed it all up and headed to the party.

Thankfully I have amazing friends who knew Turstal wasn't going to be able to make it and a few of them showed up early to help me get everything ready.







The little mama!! Her son is due the first of January.




Some of the guests. I was pleased with the turnout. And the fact that I got away with really only playing one game! I HATE baby shower games.. Sorry!







The 5 pregnant girls at the shower. Clearly there's something in the water at work!! Babies due in November, January, February, March, and April. So far 2 boys and a girl. I'm not sure why my bump is popping so much here. Probably the 800 pigs in a blanket I ate!


I had a blast and am so glad I managed to pull it off besides my minor freak out. Thanks so much to my AMAZING friends and my PERFECT husband for all their help! If it weren't for them.. I so couldn't have done it. I do not do well with stress.. uh uh.

That night we met up with some friends and tried a new place out, but that's going to have to come later because I'm tired and Blogger is taking too long to upload my pics. Hope you all had a great weekend!

Weekend Wrap-Up

Ok. So maybe I'm older than I would like to think I am. Because this weekend almost put me in the grave.

Saturday morning I got up early and headed with a friend of mine up to Hilton Head for a soccer tournament. Thought it would be a nice day for a tourney. Weather (dot) com was predicting highs in the 80s.

Weather (dot) com is a nasty, dirty liar. It was around a 100 degrees on Saturday. With a 100% humidity.

Three soccer games later, played with some super *cranky (not the word I want to use.. ahem..) girls, in the heat, in the rain, I was not a happy camper. I signed up for the tournament to have FUN. Not because I thought Mia Hamm was going to show up and wisk me away to play for the National Team. Apparently some of the other players didn't get that memo. You can ask the super bruises on my stomach in the shapes of elbows.

But I digress..

Saturday night, I dragged my bruised, battered, exhausted body back home.

I know I'm a drama queen, but I was TIRED!!!

Sunday morning I swore I had been hit by a car. My back hurt, my abs hurt, my arms hurt. My freakin' pinky toes hurt for crying out loud. I don't know how I dragged myself back to South Carolina, but I did.

I'm so glad I did. We played much better, everyone was in better moods, and I got to have a great lunch. I could barely move Monday and I'm rocking some serious tan lines, but price you got to pay right?!

My friend, L and I between games.


Our team.


Sunday afternoon, Mr. Perfect and I got to keep my goddaughter for a while. She definitely kept us on our toes, but we had so much fun with her!! She's the sweetest thing! Our cat doesn't think so, but what does he know?

She was trying to give Lacy a toy. Lacy was too fascinated with her to care about anything else.


Melt my heart!



Told you Lacy was obsessed with her.




She was obsessed with Ace. He was not a fan of hers.


Other than the fact that I could barely move all weekend, it was a pretty nice one. Thank goodness, because this week is turning into a doozy. We got one heck of a curveball thrown at us on Monday. Nothing we can't handle, but just pray for us and our little journey through the entire medical journal to try and have a child. I'll give more details when I can, but thanks in advance. Hope you guys had a great weekend! My blogging might be sketchy for a few days, but I'll be checking in!!

i miss sleep.

When I was little, I had to have the radio on to sleep. I would sing along for a little bit, but eventually I would just drift off to dreamland. I could not sleep without that noise. Probably something to do with how I can't turn my mind off.

Then in high school, I added the tv. I would go to sleep to a good movie or television show. The lights flashing didn't even phase me. I could not sleep without it.

At my senior prom one of my girlfriends took a college boy as her date. That night, the boy, Chris, slept through one of the loudest parties ever. Like slept in the middle of it. I was in awe. How on earth does one sleep through "Animal House" 2.0? He told me to wait til I got to college and I would understand.

Then I did. My dorm was full of screaming co-eds and they never bothered me. I was an athlete, so I got up super early in the morning and napped in the afternoon and I could have slept through the second coming. My roommate at the time couldn't sleep with any noise. So long nightly radio and tv. We slept with a fan. I was so tired all the time that I didn't care.

When I got out of college, my sleep patterns changed. I couldn't handle any noise at all but the fan. Thank you college roomie for ruining me. Noises outside drove me crazy. I would find myself focusing on every little sound and it keeping me awake all night. I was starting to miss my sleep.

Then I got married. Now I love my husband, but the boy is a snorer. I spent a good portion of the first couple months of our marriage sleeping on the couch, or the guest bed. I could not take it. We got a noise maker and eventually I learned that if I turned the noisemaker on and got to sleep first, I could sleep for a few hours til he would wake me up in the middle of the night. Sleeping next to him turned out to be worth it all though..

Now Mr. Perfect has a sleep machine. Oh. My. Gosh. I loathe this thing. It hums, it whispers, and it sounds like Darth Vader coming to kill me in my sleep. I can hear it over the noisemaker, I can hear it over the fan, I can even hear it over the dogs. I can't sleep. It freaks me out. I just sit there and listen to it hum and breathe. Yes, it breathes.

I friggin' miss my sleep. I am so tired, but he has to have this machine. Anyone else sleep with this wannabe alien in their room? How do you cope sleep with it on?!? I can't do earplugs. They make my ears feel dirty. I already tried them.

Must find coffee. Somehow I need to function today.