it's in your head..

My friend Becca wrote a post the other day that really hit home with me. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest you do as she has such a way with words that you'll quickly find yourself nodding along in agreement with what she's stating.

Our church is also doing a series right now called "Crash the Chatterbox" which is dealing with, in a nutshell, hearing God's voice in our lives over all the others. Sometimes those voices are external, but usually, internal. And they aren't always nice.

They're the voices that tell you you're not thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, or just plain good enough. The ones that tell you that you don't parent "correctly" or that you're "getting it all wrong". Those last two? ones that have been beating me down lately.

This sermon series couldn't have come at a better time and as I read Becca's post last night, I teared up, because ohmygosh I am so there.

Forget all the other things that are beating me down right now, these days, mothering is beating me down. No, that's not true. It's not just being a mother. It's all the other things that come with it.

Three is a hard age y'all. Like super hard. While I absolutely adore my kid, there are times where I have considered just dipping out because I cannot handle one more second of the back talk. Of the outright defiance. Of the more than obvious favoritism of her father than her mother. And while I would never "dip out" (total expression), I find that those nasty little voices in my head get louder and louder the more frustrated I become. And these days, I'm pretty frustrated.

I struggle a lot with things in my past that constantly rear their ugly heads. They beat me down and too often when things get hard, I retreat. I back down. When E is acting out (again), I turn it onto me. She's not being a typical toddler, but instead she is straight out out to get me and then the dark takes over and I can hardly breathe.

In my head I play a game of 2 against 1 a lot. I put E and Mr. P together and they gang up on me. Which, if we're being honest, they do like to do, but I make it malicious and mean which it's so not. So I shut down. Because that's easier than feeling ganged up on any day.

Sunday the preacher made a statement that resonated with me. I didn't write it down so I can't quote it, but it basically went something like this; which voice are you going to let determine the direction of your life. And then he went further asking the question of what we are being kept from when listening to the wrong voices? What relationships are we missing out on or destroying because we are so in our own heads that we can't focus on what's outside?

Guilty.

I'm completely aware that my past and the relationships in my past are 99% of my dark voices. That the voice telling me to "give it up; you'll never be good at this Mom and wife thing" is definitely not His. And please don't think that I'm saying I'm leaving my family because I love my family, I'm just showing you my heart. That I struggle with not feeling good enough. In my head I make that into I don't have to put in the effort because it's all for naught; I will never be good at it.

See how bad that is?

Lately I'm taking E's three year oldness (disclaimer: she is a GOOD kid. She is kind and sweet and smart and oh so lovely. She's also 3 which as any parent to a toddler knows, is full of it's own highs and lows. This post is about my perception not her actual behavior.) and making it personal. I'm making her tantrums into an act of terrorism against me. See how messed up that is?

It's just a tough transition. I've never mothered a toddler. I have no clue what I'm doing and sometimes I forget that that is okay because no one does. Moms of four are still thrown curveballs. I am so not alone.

The key is to just remember that I've been through tough before. A lot. And He has never left my side. He won't now either. So when I feel like E and I are battling it out in the trenches, I know that He's down there with us trying to talk us through it. It's my job to listen. And to tell the other voices to freaking chill. I know it's all in my head, it's just that sometimes it would be so nice to distance myself from that head a bit. Too bad it's attached...

the things that matter.

I love Christmas.

I love absolutely every little thing about this season.

I love the bell ringers outside the store. I love the lights. I love the sales on toys. I love the Elf on the Shelf. I love Christmas clothes (understatement of the YEAR). I love celebrating Jesus.

I love it all.

I was at a wedding this past weekend and I spent the two hour drive home thinking about just how stinking blessed I am. It's sort of ridiculous.

My husband is a rock. Who puts up with every little insane thing I do (which is a lot. Daily). He works hard and still manages to be a rockstar Dad.

My kid is my heart and soul. She makes me laugh harder than I knew possible. And she's stretched how I love in a way that no one has ever been able to do.

I am surrounded by amazing people. New friendships are being made. My old ones just get better with time. I cannot say enough good things about the friends I've chosen to do life with.

My daughter is loved. My friends love her. Her teachers love her. In turn, that makes me oh so happy. There is nothing better on this planet than to feel love and she will never have a shortage of it.

I've been a bit down lately. Work isn't going how I ever saw it going and I spend a lot of time with a big 'ol bad attitude. I see negative far too much lately. I dread going in every single day.

But as I drove home last night, I realized, none of that matters.

Neither do the friendships that take more work than they deserve. Neither do the people who never have a nice thing to say. And really, neither does so many things about my job.

I've been focusing on so much bad. So much negativity. And it's showing.

It's showing in my attitude and my demeanor. And I'm over it.

This season is a great time to refocus. To get my energy and my attention on the things that matter.

My God. My husband. My sweet, sweet girl. My family. My true friends. The builders and encouragers in my life.

They are what matters.

things that make us "us"

I think there are unique things that make each person who they are. Which is awesome because truth be told, it would be pretty boring out there if we were all alike.

Same goes for each family. I think there are little quirks, little day to day activities that make each family unique. Which is awesome. I also kind of love hearing the different things/traditions/rituals that each family have. Maybe I'm nosey (I totally am) but I love it. I love hearing bits of what makes up people.

These days my little family of three has settled into this nice little routine. There are things that happen daily that are different, probably downright odd to other people but they make us who we are. It's just part of us. It's part of what makes us a family.

Every morning Mr. P goes to work early. Like really early. So it's always me and the little in the morning. Sometimes she wakes up when he does and if that happens, he moves her into bed with me nine times out of ten. On the mornings he doesn't, I always wake up before her and move to her bed with her for a bit. We snuggle for a while before it's time to get up. I can't think of a better way to start my day.

If it's E and I in the car; the music is on and LOUD. If I turn it down, she wants it back up. She gets it from her Mama. If it's E and Mr. P; it's conversation. And lots of it. They are talkers. I am not. I love that she adapts to whichever parent she's with.

We eat out a lot. Like a lot, a lot. We're working on it. But we've eaten out so much with our kid that she now asks "where are we going for dinner?" instead of "what's for dinner?". She's also a restaurant champ. She gets to watch Netflix on her phone til the food comes while Mr. P and I chat about our days, then when the food comes, the show goes off and we eat and talk as a family. It's routine. It's fun.

Sometimes I let E sleep really late in the morning. It's good for me to have peace and quiet and sometimes I know she's tired so I let her sleep. On those mornings, she eats breakfast in the car on the way to school. I should feel guilty about that. I don't.

E has show and tell on Thursdays. Every Thursday. Most Thursdays I forget. Most Thursdays she throws me under the bus right in front of her teacher when I pick her up. "Mom! You forgot my show and tell item again!". She knows her days of the week. I really think she does this on purpose..... I didn't forget today.

Every night before bed, I tickle E. Hard. Like til she can't breathe. Mr. P tells me every night that this is the opposite of settling her down. I don't care. He really doesn't either. We can't get enough of that laugh.

E has started telling us "you always do that" when we do something dumb. It's like having a tiny teacher around all. the. time.

On Fridays we eat pizza. We also have tried to instill family movie night. Most of the time though, we put the little to bed at 7 on the dot like the rest of the week. Because let's be honest; by Friday? Mom and Dad are tired. Kids got to go to bed.

Saturdays we have ballet. E dances while I work out and Mr. P gets a few girl free hours.


We like to laugh. A lot. Most of the time at one of our expenses. It's true. Someone is always being ganged up on. I need a boy. He'll be on my side. ;)

The older E gets, the sweeter she gets. She likes to be carried and sit on our laps more now than ever. I should be ripped from carrying her 40 pounds around. I'm not.

Every morning E eats while I get ready. Every morning she plays around and when I holler down for her to come brush her teeth, she hollers back "but I'm trying to eat!" and every morning I tell her to come brush anyway and go back and finish. It's like clockwork. I laugh every morning because I know it's coming. She always comes.

E gets mad at Lacy no less than five times a day for breathing on her. They are the same height. It's not going to stop.

Dragon Tales is basically the soundtrack to our lives. I get mad daily for how much it's on.

Mr. P can't handle whining. I can tune it out like a champ. I can't handle incessant chatter. He can tune that out like a champ. We tag out a lot.

E and I daily fight over her hair. She never wants it how I want it. I usually win. It's my hands doing the work.

I have a problem with shopping. Mr. P gets home first in the afternoon and always finds my packages. Usually I tell him I "won it from the blog" somehow. But then I quit blogging as much and the packages kept coming. Pretty sure he's on to me... ;)

Our house is a three ring circus most days. Someone gets mad daily. Usually at least one set of tears is had (usually E's). But there is so much laughter. So much good. I love us. As crazy as we are, I can't get enough.

words. and such.

I am bound and determined to get over here more often. To write about life a bit more. I try to do a yearly book for each year for E. I know I should do one for our family as well, but being as how I have one done for E and she's 4, I'm going to have to backburner that one. I really should get hers caught up.

The point, I use this blog to remember what happened back then. So when working on her book, I can look back. Hopefully I'll be catching up around here soon. Don't worry, I'll archive it all. You won't get blasted with tons of old pictures. Lucky y'all ;)

Work is busy. But it will always be. And if it's not, then I'm not doing something right. So I'm glad it's busy. The whole working with the husband the best friends and all that has gotten better. MUCH better. I think we've all figured out a bit of a balance on how to have work and a home life. It's been much better.

BG is doing AMAZING in school. She stays on "green" most of the time. It's this new behavior chart that her school has started and it seems to work. She's pretty stoked with herself when she stays on green and knows it's not good if she gets on yellow or red. So she works pretty hard to stay on green. I'm proud of her for thinking about her actions. She needs to do a lot more of it, (truth) but she's learning.

Three is a really hard age. The tempers and the attitude are fierce. But oh my stars this age is hi-freaking-larious. The things she says and does daily absolutely kill me. She's emphatic about what she wears, how her hair is done, what she eats. She's completely a little person with a complete mind of her own. Maybe because I wasn't around a lot of younger kids growing up, but I never expected a three year old to be just such a cool person. I never expected she'd already be digging out her own clothes each morning, cleaning her own room, putting up her own dishes, getting her own water and snacks from the fridge; I'm rambling. I just love my kid.

The hubs and I are finding ways to make date night at home again. Hands down, I miss having a baby sitter next door back in Florence more than anything. We've found an amazing sitter here in Charlotte so we've gotten lucky there, it's just harder to plan last minute dinners when you can't drop your kid off at her grandparents next door. So we're getting good at at home date nights. It's been fun.

This is probably the most boring post ever but it's what we're up too. We're settling in nicely here. Things are good.

tales from the road.

If you would have told me that one day I would be on the road every single day as a sales person, I would have laughed in your face. And if you would have added that I would be doing those sales for the construction industry? Ha. But here we are.

I actually love my job though. While it can get old being in the car 9 hours a day, it can actually be kind of fun.

I've managed to broaden my already extensive knowledge of music. I hear A LOT. I still love classic rock and I still hate Justin Beiber. That hasn't changed.

I've learned that you should ALWAYS pick a department store bathroom over a gas station bathroom. ALWAYS. Kohl's has great ones but they're all the way in the back nine times out of ten. Lowe's is my favorite and they're right up front.

Also, I now have an extensive knowledge of bathrooms.

You will learn to become a public p**per. That's all I'll say about that.

QT is the Holy Land of gas stations. If you pass one, stop. ALWAYS. Their coffee? I hear angels sing. And $1.72 is my jam. Much better priced than Starbucks. Plus? nicest cashiers you'll find at a gas station.

When in a new town, eat lunch at a local place. It's fun. And fast food is gross and gets old. And try new food. It's good.

You will gain weight. You better find a hobby that involves lots of calorie burning to counteract the flattening of the buttocks from being in the car all day. Truth.

While in new towns, check out local shops. I have found awesome new soaps, amazing clothes, and so many other cool things that I never would have found if I never ventured into the cool little boutiques small towns have to offer.

Never answer your phone if the boss should call while you're in those shops. ;)

I kid. I would NEVER. That's lunch hour.

Truth.

You will spend a ridiculous amount of time on the phone. Find some entertaining friends to tell you funny stories on those long, boring drives.

Gas is overpriced. It will piss you off every single time you fill up.

You will probably still hate salespeople. I still cannot stand when someone tries to sell me something. My best friend (and coworker) is always quick to defend saying ("they're ONE OF US MEGAN") but I'm not buying it. I'm not pushy. They are.

You have a lot of free time. Free time in which lists like this are born. It is what it is.

life lately.

Life lately is absolutely positively insane.

There has been something going on every single weekend and weekdays are filled with work, school, and so many other shenanigans that most of the time Mr. P and I literally collapse into bed beyond tired some time way too late in the night only to have to get up and start all over again way too early in the morning.

Grown up life is a blast.

I have not been working out at all lately. Like at all at all. A few weeks ago, Mr. P and I joined my best friend and her family for a few hours of backyard soccer. He managed to tear up his back and I was literally so sore for the next week that the idea of using the bathroom was enough to make me cry. It was hella bad

So naturally, the bff and I signed up to play in our high school's alumni soccer game. Backyard soccer made me sore, surely I could survive 90 minutes of full on play with a bunch of high schoolers right?!

It was actually a total and complete blast. Was I sore? Absolutely. But the joy of playing high schoolers is that at the end of the game, I can relax with a cold beer and ignore my soreness. They can't.

Though they probably aren't sore. But whatever.

Baby Girl is growing up way too fast. The attitude, the sass; it's all SO much. But dare I say (knock on wood) that age 3 is actually shaping up to be much easier for us than age 2 was? Maybe because she hit her independent streak so dang early that we've already worked through some of that? I don't know. But I love this age.

I am sure that she will somehow find out that I wrote these words and she will make me pay, but right now her horn deserves to be tooted; she's all sorts of awesome. I adore that kid something fierce.

She has a current obsession with being just like her Mama and Daddy. Case in point, we bought her the cutest pair of Dora flip flops (she picked them) the other day. They have this strap that goes around the back of her ankle to keep them on her feet. The other day I noticed that she had pushed that strap all the way to the front of the shoe. After a bit of questioning I figured out that she didn't want to wear the strap because her Dad and my flip flops didn't have the strap. So we cut them off. Then we bought another pair which she promptly pushed the strap around the bottom. Point taken. Only "big girl" flops from here on out.

With every little change that's been happening lately (there's big news ahead), she's handled it with grace far beyond her years. She's a champ with a heart the size of Texas who absolutely adores those around her and doesn't hesitate to let them know that daily.

In "big news" land.... a couple of weeks ago a job opportunity presented itself to Mr. P. A job opportunity which would move us about two hours west of the sleepy little town we were currently residing in. It happened quick. Talk of the change started and about a week or so later, Mr. P resigned from his current job and took a new job.

In another little twist, he accepted a job with the same company I currently work for. So my job? remained intact. Well.. sort of.

He's currently running two offices for my company based out of the Charlotte area while I work sales for the company in Charlotte. And Florence. For now.

The coolest part? I'm now working sales with my best friend. And living five minutes from her in a small town outside of Charlotte. It's kind of awesome. And fun.

I have this mechanism in me that kind of shuts down when things get overwhelming. And all the change lately? Overwhelming. I know I didn't blog about the move, but I also didn't tell many people either. I told one of my closest friends I was moving while driving to the new town. Yes. I'm very, very odd but I was overwhelmed. And scared of all this change. And truth be told? a little bit sad about leaving the town I had zero desire to move to in the first place.

Hardest part? Hands down leaving sweet friends again. Leaving my clients who I kind of adore (even though I do get to go back once a week to work there). Leaving a dear friend who I never got to spend enough time with while there and leaving her sweet, sweet girl who I absolutely adored. Leaving another school and another little best friend that Baby Girl adored. And while it drove me crazy living next door to my in-laws, I will also miss having them close enough for E to spend the night with them or for them to keep her for a couple of hours.

BG put up a tiny bit of resistance when we talked about her "new school" but eventually got on board with the idea of making new friends and checking out a new school. She almost broke my heart when her little lip started quivering one morning as she said "Mommy, I like my school. I like my friends. I want to stay here." . Yes. I started sobbing.

But she bucked up and got a bit excited. Then she figured out that she could make people sad by saying "I'm leaving now!" all giddy. She can be a little evil. She got more excited if they fake cried.

She is so my child.

In the midst of the crazy, BG was surrounded by family to shower her with constant love and attention. She spent a couple of weeks surrounded by grandparents when my Mom came down for a bit. Then my amazing sister in law offered to take her for a few days and spoil her at the beach.

BG jumped at the chance to head to Aunt Kiki and Uncle Steve's house for a few days. So we packed her a suitcase and I drove her down to the beach for a few days while her Dad and I headed to the new town to attempt to get things a bit settled.

BG had an absolute blast. I snuck in a quick breakfast with my two favorite little girls before leaving BG and heading home. As per the usual, BG barely gave me a second glance as I walked out because she was far too busy playing with her little cousin.

The next few days were full of fun as her aunt and uncle took her for family dinners with Aunt Kiki's family, the water park, the children's museum, and even an alligator farm.

I almost had a stroke when they texted me a picture of my precious baby petting a snake. She did NOT get that desire from her Mama. This girl doesn't do snakes. Ever.

I was pretty sure that she was flat out going to refuse to come home. We tried to Face Time one night and she had zero desire to sit down and talk to her lame-o parents. She is growing way too fast. I am not a fan.

But come home she did. After a brief stop at her Granny and Grandaddy's. But now I have my girl back. And we're getting settled in a new town. In a new home. Well, we're trying. Eventually we might not be living out of boxes.

Eventually.

We tried a new church yesterday. It was good. This place could easily become home.

Things are crazy right now with work. It's odd working in the same company as the husband. We're working on ways to make work stop and "us" begin when we get home. We haven't figured it out yet but it's going to have to happen soon. Working with my best friend and my husband is a total blast, but sometimes I just need them to be my best friend and my husband; not my co-workers. Does that make sense?

It does. I'm just tired.

So that's life lately. How are you guys?

words.

There are funny cycles in life. I find that often I'm perfectly content, sometimes bored, sometimes unsettled, and sometimes overwhelmed. They come in waves and each one tends to have super high highs in them.

Right now, I am completely overwhelmed.

My head is a hot mess. My new job is all sorts of awesome but it is also exhausting. Very, very exhausting. There are times I am so frustrated that all I want to do is curl into a corner and cry and then there are times where things are absolutely rocking and I just want to do a little happy dance.

Highs and lows right.

I also suck at balance. I suck at knowing where to stop. I tend to throw myself into things full swing and then leave other things completely untouched. It's not good. The job is hard and it is time consuming but there is life that is outside work. I'm still trying to figure that out.

Lately I've been haunted by past mistakes and it is literally hacking away at my insides. I am so thankful for a God that has forgiven me and has made me new, but it's the people I've hurt in the past that I can't seem to get real forgiveness from. It's like a dark cloud that I just can't seem to shake. It is eating me up which makes me throw myself into work more. Vicious cycle.

The news this week has been plain awful. I look at my sweet girl and wonder how on Earth she is ever going to thrive in a world so ate up with hatred, anger, and greed. I literally want to lock my family in a bubble right now that she never has to leave. A bubble full of hopscotch and jumping frogs games. A bubble with a few too many good night books and a few too many nights spent curled up in bed between the two that love her most. A bubble where laughter is always the best medicine and where she will never doubt that her parents love her more than life itself.

This world is terrifying. My only prayer is that Baby Girl will be consumed with light and will share her light with others around her. That she will be filled with love and will put that out in a world that seems to thrive on hate. I pray that she loves her God with all her heart and that that love shines through her and makes those around her want to know her and want to know about the One that makes her special.

So much seems to be out of my control right now. From work, to home, to this crazy world, I feel like I'm absolutely drowning. I crave a weekend away with my family like nothing else right now. Grown up life can be awesome but it can also suck sometimes. Right now? I would give anything to be a bit younger again. Just for a minute. Or maybe a day. Just to have a few less responsibilities for a second.

I miss this blog so much. I miss pouring my heart out. I miss you ladies. I may not even post this jumble of words because I already feel better just getting it out.

Heck, I'm posting. Welcome to la head de Megan. It's a wreck.

words.

This week started off with an epic bang. I'm sort of riding a weird high right now. Basically I got a huge promotion at work. And it kind of rocks. And even though it's taking me down a completely different path than I ever saw my life going down, it's good. Really good actually.

I've been kind of treading water per se these days. I have a whole post about this in the works but I've been dealing a lot with feeling "left behind" as I watch so many people make huge life decisions while I feel stuck. A conversation with my pal Whitney, gave me a bit of clarity on some big things and I feel much better. The moment I took a step back, put forward a bit more faith, and let go of the reins a little... a promotion fell in my lap. Somebody has a sense of humor.

Speaking of that Somebody, lately I've been feeling more and more that I'm missing a big calling in my life. So I finally signed up to volunteer with the youth at our church. Middle school age kids/early high school have my heart. Especially young girls. I just hope for so much for them and I just want such great things for them and my heart is burdened over the difficulties they face daily. However, having a heart for them isn't worth anything if you aren't ministering to them. So I signed up. Now I just wait to hear about my position.

It was warm for a few days a couple of weeks ago. Oh, and it stopped raining for half a second. This has been the longest, coldest, wettest winter ever. I am SO over it. Of course the second the sun decided to come out for a few minutes, we headed outside. Unfortunately the warm weather only lasted about two days and then the rain came back and the temperatures dropped. It was in the 40's here today. The week before Easter. And while I know other places are even colder, the 40's in South Carolina this late in the game is bizarre. WHERE IS MY WARM WEATHER?!?

My sweet tiny baby girl will be three a week from tomorrow. Hold me.

I'm beyond in denial over that. I have done nothing for her party. Nothing. Oh wait, I got the invites out. Today. Nothing like waiting til the last minute.

Things are good over here. We're just hanging out, doing life, and trying to survive toddlerhood. Which is harder that it should be. Truth.

Oh, and a reminder, this blog like most others out there is making the switch to Bloglovin' so be sure and follow along. I imported all of mine from Google Reader and then decided to do a big clean out which felt amazing. I never could figure out how to do that on Reader. One point in Bloglovin's favor from this girl.

words.

There are times when I honestly think I cannot do one more second of life the way it is going right now. And I don't mean that in some super emo way, I just mean it in that I constantly feel like I'm juggling hundreds of balls in the air and I'm just waiting, breathless, on one to fall.

And things are falling. Little things are slipping through the cracks because my focus is off. And it sucks. My calendar is a hot mess of scribbles because my brain can't even stay straight long enough to finish a sentence. Yet, instead of accomplishing anything right now, I'm watching One Tree Hill and jabbering on here. Lucky y'all.

Maybe the problem is that I don't do enough jabbering over here lately. Because one of the only places where things seem to consistently make sense is over here. I do love this space because of that.

I feel a bit stifled here lately. Our little family has spent the greater part of our existence fiercely independent. We haven't had help very often which has sucked, but at the same time, it's awarded us a great deal of freedom. We haven't had set plans weekly, or people wanting to just show up, etc. Now? It's just weird having family so close.

I feel bad even writing that, but it is a HUGE adjustment. One my extremely private, independent self, has a lot of trouble with. I'm learning, it's just... hard.

My child has been in rare form lately. Last week I was in Charlotte for a work trip and while I was gone, Mr. P had his first parent/teacher conference and BG was "written up" for the first time.

Let's talk about "Mom guilt" for a second. I've basically felt guilty about one thing or another since my child was born. But this new working Mom does work trips guilt? AWFUL. As I sat there on the stool in my best friend's kitchen in Charlotte listening to Mr. P tell me what was going on, my eyes filled up with tears faster than I even thought possible.

My pal said it best, I'm out working trying to make things better for her, but while I'm out, my heart is back home. And my heart was hurting back home and there was nothing I could do about it. AWFUL.

So parent teacher conference. Apparently while I was gone, BG quit listening to her teacher and started hitting. There's more, but that's all on her so... she can tell you if she wants. Mr. P and I are at a point where most of the time, we're lost. This disciplining a toddler thing? not for the faint of heart. Most of the time, we have zero clue what we're doing. And this hitting thing? I'm lost.

I wanted to chalk it up to "Mom's out of town"/ "it's Valentines Week and I'm all hopped up on sugar", but so far, it's continued into this week. Nice huh?

My child doesn't seem to be in love with her school. She's been saying stuff like she doesn't like it and she has no friends (heart, wrench) for the longest time. I know she likes school, so I'm not sure if she's just not meshing at this one or what. So today, I got up at 4:30 am to secure her a spot at one of the best preschools in the area. I really, really hope this will be a change for the better.

Also, I get up at 4:30 for no one. I must love that kid.

Work is overwhelming to say the least. I've jumped head first into a new job which has about twice the work to do than there are hours in a day. Tonight alone, I answered emails til 9:45 tonight after beginning my day at 7:30 am. It has been a day. Hence those scribbles all over my calendar.

None of this probably makes any sense. I've been sick for over a week now so the combination of meds, little sleep, long hours, toddler terrors, and the wine glass to my left has left me with these words. My head is a mess.

so what?

So what if I haven't linked up with Shannon in forever? I missed it and there's no time like the present to jump right back in right? This weed I'm saying "so what if.."

- I sent my kid to school today just so that I'd have 8 uninterrupted hours to get stuff done. But not important stuff, computer stuff. As in I'm sitting here at 3:30 pm still unshowered and haven't moved all day. But I'm almost caught up editing and posting pictures and knocking out a few blog posts. So yay.

- I just ordered BG's one year photo book. She'll be three in 2 months. Yea.

- I have lost all motivation to run again. The problem is that I can't just hop out my front door and start going. It kills me that I have to get in the car and drive somewhere to run. I can talk myself out of going way too easily knowing I have to get in the car.

- I still have Christmas gifts that need to be sent out. Oops.

- I am already ridiculously excited for St. Patrick's Day. KP and I ordered the girls' outfits yesterday and I am out of mind excited for this years festivities. It's almost March right?!

- I can't quit eating chocolate frosting. Add that to the not running and it's just not pretty. What is wrong with me?!

- I'm headed to Charlotte in a couple of weeks for a week and I am ready to go like now. So looking forward to a week of fun (and work, but whatever).

- I'm kind of ready to go get my kid and head to the park even though I'm not completely done with my to-do list. Must. Stay. Focused.

an update.

A bit of what's been going on lately.

I mentioned that right before Christmas, we spent an evening in the ER with Nursemaid's Elbow and then a couple of days later, noticed BG was rocking a fever. Well that kept up, so on Christmas Eve, we headed back up to the ER where she was diagnosed with the flu and pneumonia. Good times.

So she was one sick kiddo on Christmas. Mr. P ended up catching either the flu or some 24 hour thing, because he was also down for the count on Christmas. Fortunately he bounced back pretty quick, but BG has been "off" since.

We've battled breathing issues with her for a while now. We've been told numerous times that she has Reactive Airway Disease and she's been doing treatments for that for about two years now. I'm assuming the pneumonia triggered her RAD because she's been getting progressively worse for weeks now.

On Saturday, Mr. P and BG took a long walk through the woods and she stopped him numerous times and told him that she "needed to breathe Daddy". He ended up carrying her home and through the day Saturday, her cough flared up again and she got progressively worse.

By Sunday morning, she couldn't catch her breath she was coughing so hard and she just plain looked awful. So we aborted our trip to church and instead headed to Urgent care where she was diagnosed as having a full on asthma attack.

According to the doctor at Urgent Care, these frequent coughing fits she has have probably all been asthma attacks. I had no clue. I too have asthma problems, but an attack for me leaves me gasping for air and feeling like I can't breathe at all; not coughing. I felt awful for not getting this.

So we're following up with her doctor and treating her as if she does asthma. We're trying to figure out her triggers (anyone want a cat?? we think he may be one :(), we're trying new meds to see which ones might keep an attack at bay, and we're adding in fast acting inhalers for her to take to school and such. This bums me out big time as I don't want this to be a limitation on her.

Moms of toddlers/children with asthma: how did you figure out their "triggers"? We also think physical activity is one because after ten minutes of hard core play yesterday, she was in another full blown attack. But how do you keep a toddler calm?! This is so frustrating.

I can't wait for summer. Please let this sickness end.

Other than the asthma thing, BG is doing really well. She is growing way too fast and every single day I see less toddler and more little girl. I'll do an update on her soon.
I've been pretty blah lately and I really feel like I've been having some food issues. I've been working to cut out some items as I tend to have migraines and wake up feeling "hungover" if I eat certain things. Chinese food almost did me in the other night. Pretzels seem to be pretty hard on me and the dumplings Mr. P made the other night made my eye feel like it was about to explode.

I've convinced myself that it's time to go to the doctor and get a full work up done. Turning 30 as well as some other factors have me convinced I'm not as young as I once was. I constantly feel like I'm in a fog (only way I can describe it) and I've noticed some circulation issues. So it's off to the doctor I go. Once I make the appointment that is.

I've got some pretty big changes on the job front but I'm not blogging about that yet as I haven't gotten up the courage to make a few necessary steps. I should work on that.

We are settling in quite nicely in Florence and have even started thinking about looking for houses here. Now if we decide to buy instead of rent, well... I'm not sure we are quite there yet, but it wouldn't break our hearts to stay a while.

Things are good. Everyone is happy and (mostly) healthy. I guess that's about all we can ask for right? :)

tidbits.

I'm slacking on the blog front lately. My bad.

There is actually a ton going on and a ton I want to write about but for some reason I find myself sitting down and just staring at the computer waiting for words that just won't come. So I get back up and head off to do one of the eight million other things hankering for my attention. This poor space is getting back burnered and I hate it.

But at the same time, my heads in this weird fog so words probably wouldn't make sense anyway. We're going to see. Let the word vomit commence.

I cannot even believe how close to Christmas we are. As I stated earlier, it's a scaled back Christmas over here so lots of the activities that I see being had all over the blog land, are just not happening over here. Which is fine really, but in some weird way I feel like I'm missing part of the Christmas "fun". Which isn't true at all, but like I said, head = weird place.


We have, however, busted out the Christmas clothes and BG loves it. In fact, nine times out of ten she'll pick out Christmas clothes to wear over anything else these days. Good thing she has plenty of options. I wouldn't be surprised one bit if she doesn't even wear them all. That's ridiculous. I know.

While we may be a bit more low key this Christmas, we still managed to venture out to my father-in-law's church last weekend for their Living Christmas Tree program. I pulled a rookie move and somehow decided that BG would totally love all the music and lights and be an angel during the service and decided to take her. Her and her baby who she straight up wore in a sling straight into a super straight laced Baptist church. Fun. I'll let you figure out if we made it through the whole thing.

Hint: we didn't. We ended up in the overflow room where other harried looking Moms hid with their children. To which BG somehow escaped from the death grip I had on her most of the night and scampered off to find the main light switch for the room. Which she promptly switched off. And then on. And then off. And then.... well you get it. Once I found her, she was laughing hysterically and was in no mood to come down from that little high. It was a long night.

Note to self: she does not go to musical productions for at least two more years. Unless the main act is Elmo.

This age is still giving me a run for my money and I find myself praying for the day to end quite a bit. Then, when the house is quiet and the child is sleeping, I find myself aching to hold her and so I sneak into her room. Sometimes I get super brave and try to take her picture. That usually backfires when the flash wakes her and I spend the next thirty minutes trying to get her back to sleep. But the picture is always worth it. She's such an angel when she sleeps.


The other night I was laying in bed perusing the Internet when I saw that the annual Christmas parade back home was coming up. So I quickly texted the bff and a weekend trip was planned.

The morning after the debacle that was the Christmas show, I packed BG and I up and hit the road. It was a relatively easy trip though I made the mistake of telling BG where we were headed when we got in the car. Needless to say I heard "are we at Mrs. Stacy's house yet?" every five minutes the rest of the drive. In fact, I said "almost" so much that BG took to answering herself after a while: "are we at Mrs. Stacy's house yet?! ALMOST!!" followed by a fit of giggles. Good thing she's cute.

Besides her bolting out the door at the rest station and one small accident, we made it to Greenville unscathed. And then proceeded to have the best weekend with our people. You'll hear more later don't you worry.

Life is trucking along over here. I went back to work part time and BG is back in school while I work. It's so, so good for both of us. I feel a lot better and though drop offs have been a nightmare, BG is truly enjoying school and comes home all excited about what she did that day. We're figuring things out.

Life is good. The holidays are coming and though I'm still not sure exactly how they'll look this year, I do know I'll be with my favorite people on the planet which is what matters.

tidbits. {an update}

There's a lot going on around here these days so today you get word vomit as I try to sort out what is in my head.

We trekked back up to Anderson the other day. Mr. P had to take care of a few things so BG and I decided to tag along. While he was tied up, we drove down to BG's old school to see everyone and to my old work to say hi. Being in the school was weird. It's amazing how quickly you go from being in the thick of things to being an outsider. And I don't mean that to say that anyone was rude, quite the opposite actually as they couldn't have been more excited to see us BG, but we don't fit into the "routine" anymore and no lie; that hurt a bit.

BG was a bit shy but soon warmed up and took off to her old classroom to see her buddies. It took less than five minutes for her buddy E to pull her onto her nap mat with her for a big 'ol snuggle. The lump in my throat might have been the size of Texas. Then there was Zo. I looked down to find the two of them forehead to forehead just grinning at each other. Melt. My. Heart.

It was hard. After talking to "Miss Britme" for a bit and hearing the stories of how BG's absence has affected the other two, my heart was more than a little bit sore. Truth be told it still is. It might have been too soon for a visit. It still hurts too bad.
But it was so good to see everyone, even if for just a few minutes. And it does have me aching to go back for some quality time. Stat. We did check out BG's favorite park while we were there and then ended the day with a picnic in the car while we waited for Dad to finish up. It was a good day.

There are so many other changes happening around here and it's starting to hurt my Mama heart a little bit that the days of BG and I being together 24/7 may be coming to an end. I'll have to write more on that later as I'm still wrestling to find my peace with all this and I'm not spilling my nonsense until at least I can make sense of it. I know that so many of these changes will be good for us both, but right now things are good with her and I and I'm not ready to rock the boat.

That's not to say that everything is perfect and sunshiney days over here, but it is more good than bad which kind of rocks.

BG has a new favorite cartoon, Super Why, and now I wonder why we didn't introduce that first. It is so much less annoying than Dora.

BG is working on her colors and shapes right now and she is rocking it. I couldn't be more proud of how hard she works to get things and I love hearing her name her colors (in English and Spanish) over and over. There's not much more gratifying than being the one who is teaching my little girl at the moment. I can't get enough of watching her learn.

BG spent the night over at Granny and Grandaddy's for the first time the other night. We packed up a little over night bag and took her over after dinner. I'm pretty sure Granny was the most excited one out of the bunch. We stuck around long enough to watch the fun of BG's first bubble bath in Granny's garden tub, but then we left leaving them to fend for themselves.

One would think that having a night to ourselves we would get a little crazy, but one would be wrong. Instead we curled up with a Sons of Anarchy marathon and were in bed by 10. Good grief we are old.

BG had a grand 'ol time but was asking to go home right after breakfast. Which was fine with the two of us as we missed her. We are such parents. But we just love being around her. We were both talking about her from the minute we woke us. She just brings so much joy (and noise) to both of us.

The night away was nice though, don't get me wrong. I have no problem with there being more of those.

We took BG to check out a few schools yesterday. I wish I could say it went well but it didn't. We did like one school but it has a super long waiting list which stinks. As we were getting ready, BG got so excited about going to school and making "new friends!". This is why I have to be okay with this; she needs this. It does her little social butterfly heart so good to be surrounded by kids her own age. I'm just going to miss her. But enough about that.

So we shopped for schools. BG was less than impressed that we didn't go to "Miss Britme"'s school. We are clearly still working on the we moved fact with her.

I think we're a bit caught up. Things are a little insane around these parts as our kitchen has been torn apart for two weeks for repairs (my blood pressure can't even handle me covering that subject) and my house is a disaster, but I know things will settle down soon. Or at least they better.

Oh, and while we're updating. This here blog now has a Facebook page. Because that seemed fun and might be a better way to update every now and then. So check it out and like it please. Keep me from feeling like a total tool ;)

words. and tidbits.

I cannot even believe how seamless this move has been so far. How right it feels. How easy it feels.

Beside the fact that I still have boxes laying around that BG falls over no less than five times a day. That part isn't easy.

Moving sucks, but I truly feel like God has us here for a reason. That's got to be why it's just flowing right along.

We found a new park today. BG is a smitten kitten. Sunshine is good for both of our souls and it was gorgeous out today so we ventured out and found a park. And then BG found a port-a-potty which she insisted on using.

Disgusting. She later decided she had to use the restroom at a Shell station because she absolutely, positively could not hold it the two minutes it would have taken us to get home.

My child did not get my fear of the public restroom.

She also didn't get my distaste for Crocs. Child needs a Croc-ervention. She found those in the car and quickly discarded her (very cute and very matched) other shoes for them. Sigh...

We have family coming tomorrow. I should do something about those boxes or BG won't be the only one tripping over them. Instead, I'm doing this and watching Big Brother. Priorities.

About Big Brother, y'all, I would kill Dan. I cannot stand him. Or Ian. I wanted Frank to win. Or Britney. But Britney only because I totally thought she was adorable and tiny and cute. Frank because he's the underdog and I do like a good underdog. Oh well. I've lost interest as I can't stand any of the final 3.

I'll watch anyway.

I get to see my niece this weekend! Perk number whatever to this move, being closer to the brother and his family (at times). Other times, he's making me crazy and it's a con to this move but whatever.

BG is loving having her grandparents so close. We're working on her not running over there every time I open the door though. No lie though, the perks of all the food and a sweet father in law that runs my trash to the dump for me are not lost on this girl.

That might be my love language. Do nice things for me, I might love you. Hmmm...

Kidding. Sort of ;)

But seriously, I think she's really good for them as well as them being good for her. They light up around her. She'll either keep them young or push them over the edge. Jury's still out on that one.

BG is finally learning how to play by herself some. Multiple times a day she will disappear and I'll find her in her room playing. Today she had set up a tea party and was serving tea to "Miss Bitme" and Zo. I almost cried it broke my heart so much. But she seems to be good... A little lonely though. We spend lots and lots of time together right now. I've done really well at putting my phone away while she's around and making sure she's my focus. Her heart right now has to be a bit bruised. I'm determined to fix this.

Other than the obvious times where she asks to see pictures of her friends and asks if we "go to school today?", she is happy as a clam. She's just such a joy and this time is such a blessing until we figure out our next step.

Apparently I had a lot to say. I'm cutting myself off now.

Sunday Social

I'm linking up with Neely for her Sunday Social today. I figured with as much time as I spend on the Internet, I could handle these questions! Go link up!

This weeks Questions: All About the Internet
1. What is the first website you log on to each day?
-Gmail, then Facebook. I feel like this is probably a super common answer.

2. Give us some funny websites you visit that we need to know about
-Suri's Burn Book
-Kate Middleton for the win
I spend way too much work time laughing at these. My coworkers don't find them as funny. Clearly something is wrong with them.

3. Pinterest or Facebook? Why?
-Facebook. Pinterest gives me too much of a case of the "I NEED!!"'s. No bueno.

4. Twitter or Instagram? Why?
-Instagram. Hands down. Twitter overwhelms me and has too much nonsense.

5. Favorite youtube video...post it!
-This changes daily. Currently?


I won't even tell you how many times I've watched that. And I die every single time. People getting scared always thrills me.

6.Biggest online pet peeve?
-Oh goodness.. Instagram sales are a new one. I get people selling stuff but it irritates me when it clogs up my feed. Daily OOTD's (agree with Neely on this one) and.. I guess that's about it. I usually just click out of something if it annoys me and come back later.

words.

We are still in a state of limbo revolving the job situation. I'm way more calm than I figured I would be. Although maybe I'm more like a duck in the water; calm on the surface, but under the water those little feet are going fifty miles a minute.

Baby Girl has decided that taking her diaper off each night and peeing all over the place is the funnest thing since Chuck 'E Cheese. I disagree. It was kind of cute the very first night we walked in and found her naked waist down, but it's gotten less cute with every load of laundry we've had to do.

So I took matters into my own hands. I remembered how one of my blog friends cut the feet out of a pair of footed jammies and put them on backwards. So that's what we did.

She's actually pretty impressed with her "straight jacket". Mom of the year teaching her that huh? But so far so good. The laundry has taken a nose dive. Thank you Tom Cruise.

I turn 30 next month. I'd like to be all "I'm totally fine with aging" but then I'd be lying. I am freaking out. Of course with all this other fun stuff added in, it makes the freaking out about my age pretty minimal. Maybe we can skip my birthday this year and try it again next year?

I've been such a sucky friend lately. I've dodged phone calls and texts just because I can't even handle thinking about everything that's going on right now. But being a sucky friend won't help anything. I'm working on being more intentional in my friendships. You must be a good friend to have good friends. The older I get, the more I cherish my friendships and the more I realize they deserve the work they need to keep them going.

My sister-in-law is planning a wedding in May and it's giving me an itch to plan another wedding. I would totally do mine again. Although I wouldn't because I hated the whole process of planning but I would love to plan a wedding with the help of Pinterest and Etsy and all. We didn't have all that awesome stuff 7 1/2 years ago, or if we did, I didn't realize it. I can't wait to see what she pulls off. I'm loving her idea boards already.

Thank God I got back into running. Our strict budget isn't alcohol friendly and I need a stress reliever right now. Running is free. And is also doing amazing things to my legs. I'll take it.

so what if yesterday rocked.

Linking up with Shannon again for a big 'ol So What Wednesday. This week I'm saying So What if...

-I let my kid play hooky from school occasionally. It's good for her and I to spend that random day together. Okay. I'm selfish. It's really for me.

-That yesterday was one of those days. So what if Mama needed a good 'ol Mama/Daughter date day something fierce.

-I tried to take BG to her first movie and it was a total flop. It only cost 3 bucks (apparently it was Kiddo Tuesday as there were munchkins everywhere) total so not a big thing there and the forty minutes that we were there were worth it. Making memories folks.

-That while we were at the movies (for the forty minutes), we had to take two potty breaks. Oh yea. Pretty sure people loved us.

-That coming back from one of those breaks, I felt this weird sensation in my pants leg. No lie, at first I totally thought I wet my pants, but they were dry. Then I felt it again. I looked down and back a few steps to find that a black thong had fallen out of my pants leg and was laying on the floor. Y'all. I could have died.

-Without a thought in my mind I picked that underwear up and threw it in BG's bag. Sure hope it was mine.

-It was.

-I tried to film a video for Mandy's link up and then one for a post idea I have and BG wasn't having it. Lack of focus that one.

-I should have cleaned my house big time today but instead played with BG and watched Olympic soccer. Actually, that seems like a win of a day to me.

some letters..

Because who doesn't love a good link up?

Clearly I do, so I'm linking up with Ashley today to spit out some letters. This is a new one for me but it seems kind of fun which is right up my alley so let's do this.

Dear South Carolina: I love you, I do and I'm falling in love with you at an alarming pace but can you give it a rest with the insane weather? It's hot, then it's not. It's sunny and five minutes later I'm in a down pour. Make up your mind much? I don't like wearing a bathing suit and a raincoat in one hour. Es no bueno. K thanks.

Dear Jobs: I'm over working for a living and I need a vacation. I know I should be thankful we have y'all, but just once, I'd like to be unemployed and young and horizontal on a beach again. Le sigh...

Dear people who think their $hite don't stink: It does. It's not my job or anyone else's job to make your life easy. I'm not bending over backwards to help you when you can't help yourself. End scene.

Dear those people on Facebook that like to cause "the drama": Before you start spouting off, make sure you're educated on what you're spouting off about. Or I will feel inclined to correct you and then you'll feel inclined to get your feelings hurt and then you'll feel inclined to have to delete your obviously well researched post. I'm just saying, know the facts before you speak. Simple. Or just don't speak and use the book to post pretty pictures. Not everyone needs a forum to air their every though on.

Dear Friday: Thank you, thank you, thank you for finally showing up. I was beginning to think you would never get here but once again, you've done me good. I missed you all week. Now let's hang out with our pal Weekend and drink ze bubbly. Good? good.

blogger 411 {a link-up }

Today I'm linking up with one of my newer favorites, Becky from over at From Mrs. To Mama for a fun little blogger link up. I figured what the hey, I'd answer all the questions for inquiring minds (aka, I have nothing to say today so yay! prompts!).

Anyway.. head on over and check out some of the other link ups. And go link up yourself while you're there!

1. How long have you been blogging? And what got you started on blogging? Has your blog changed?
-I started this blog back in November of 2008. On a whim, the bff and I decided to start a blog. Three and a half years later, mine is going strong and she quit five entries in. So there's that. The blog has definitely changed since we were just a boring (ha), old married couple when I started and now the toddler runs the place, but it's still just ramblings about life. The good and the bad.

2. Did you go to college? If so where, and what did you study?
-I did. I went to good 'ol Georgia Southern University in Statesboro, GA and studied Biology. Too bad the college years are all kind of a haze. Sign of a good time right?! Sorry Mom and Dad.

3. Where have you traveled?
-Tons of states although some were just passing through and many more I want to see, and then Mexico and Paris. Would kill to go to Greece, Ireland, and back to Paris. Lets see if we can make that happen Mr. P....

4. If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you would buy?
-a new car. Hands down. BG and I have so outgrown mine it isn't even funny.

5. What are your 3 biggest pet peeves?
- 1) people who are constantly negative
2) bad drives
3)getting in my personal space. Or five feet from the outer rim of my personal space. Step away. Freaks me out.

6. What is your favorite movie?
-So many but if I had to name one, I would choose Steel Magnolias. Slays me every time.

7. What is your drink of choice; wine, beer, or liquor. Or Water, Soda, Tea?
-coffee followed closely by water followed closely by wine. Basically the only three things I drink.

8. What is something you enjoy to do when you have me time?
-curl up with a good book, go for a run (this recent love just returned and I'm thrilled), listen to music, shower in peace, take pictures.. Never enough time these days though. sigh....

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, which store would it be?
-ummm Target? How lame am I?!

10. Share with us an embarrassing moment of your past? Or present.
-I'm a complete and total klutz so there are a ton. There would be the time I went in for a header on the field and creamed into the goal post; right in front of the baseball team. That sucked. Or more recently when my shoe got stuck in the bottom of my chair at work and yep, made the chair roll out from under me leaving me on my face. Good fun.

11. What day would you love to relive again?
-I want to say BG's birth day but it was super tough so if I could pick the part where I met her and skip the rest, then I'd say that. But honestly, probably the day we found out BG was a girl. Mr. P and I were on cloud 900 that day. We couldn't stop beaming. It was hands down one of the greatest of my life.

12. If your life was turned into a movie... what actor would play you?
-Hopefully Mila Kunis because she's awesome and hilarious and sarcastic. And clearly we're twins duh.

Whatever. ;)

13. What are the jobs you had in high school/college/the early years?
-I worked as a Sonic car hop in high school and then in a church nursery in college. Then it was off to Bass Pro Shops for years until I finally got the heck out of dodge retail.

14. Show us a picture from high school or college.


15. If you could travel anywhere in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go?
-Ireland. Hands down.

16. Show us the most current picture of you or you and your family.

Us on the Fourth this year. Only not. It's actually the week after the Fourth however when I realized we didn't actually have a family pic on said holiday, I packed everyone's "holiday clothes" for the trip to Savannah to ensure we would get our holiday picture. So here it is. Happy 4th of July 2.0!

17. Where do you see your life 5 years from now?
-Good grief, do we have to? I can't handle BG being five minutes older let along five years! But.. let's see, hopefully in a home of our own with a new job (on my part) that I actually love, with BG in school, and maybe one more kiddo in the mix?! I don't know. Nothing much different than now. Just with a bigger bank account. ;) And bigger house. And bigger car. No big deal.

so what.

Linking up with my girl Shannon over at Life After I Dew again this week for another edition of So What! Wednesday.

This week I'm saying a big So What! if..

I am still working on BG's first year photo book. I kid you not. And I've started her third with the hopes of "keeping up" but I'm two months behind. Super.

I spent the entire weekend with a precious newborn and did not walk away with a case of "the fever". I actually had it worse before the time with the newborn. Now? I'm reminded of how cool my two year old is and I'm not sure I'm ready for the newborn stage again.

I was actually secretly glad my girl woke up in the middle of the night last night. The first time. I never get to cuddle with her so I soaked it up. Now the second and third time were a bit much...

I'm finally feeling like I'm making some real friendships three plus years into blogging. I so love you ladies.

I'm sucking it up at Weight Watchers this go round. Seriously, it's bad. And deserves a post of it's own

.

What are you saying So What! to this week? Link up with Shannon and share!