it's in your head..

My friend Becca wrote a post the other day that really hit home with me. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest you do as she has such a way with words that you'll quickly find yourself nodding along in agreement with what she's stating.

Our church is also doing a series right now called "Crash the Chatterbox" which is dealing with, in a nutshell, hearing God's voice in our lives over all the others. Sometimes those voices are external, but usually, internal. And they aren't always nice.

They're the voices that tell you you're not thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, or just plain good enough. The ones that tell you that you don't parent "correctly" or that you're "getting it all wrong". Those last two? ones that have been beating me down lately.

This sermon series couldn't have come at a better time and as I read Becca's post last night, I teared up, because ohmygosh I am so there.

Forget all the other things that are beating me down right now, these days, mothering is beating me down. No, that's not true. It's not just being a mother. It's all the other things that come with it.

Three is a hard age y'all. Like super hard. While I absolutely adore my kid, there are times where I have considered just dipping out because I cannot handle one more second of the back talk. Of the outright defiance. Of the more than obvious favoritism of her father than her mother. And while I would never "dip out" (total expression), I find that those nasty little voices in my head get louder and louder the more frustrated I become. And these days, I'm pretty frustrated.

I struggle a lot with things in my past that constantly rear their ugly heads. They beat me down and too often when things get hard, I retreat. I back down. When E is acting out (again), I turn it onto me. She's not being a typical toddler, but instead she is straight out out to get me and then the dark takes over and I can hardly breathe.

In my head I play a game of 2 against 1 a lot. I put E and Mr. P together and they gang up on me. Which, if we're being honest, they do like to do, but I make it malicious and mean which it's so not. So I shut down. Because that's easier than feeling ganged up on any day.

Sunday the preacher made a statement that resonated with me. I didn't write it down so I can't quote it, but it basically went something like this; which voice are you going to let determine the direction of your life. And then he went further asking the question of what we are being kept from when listening to the wrong voices? What relationships are we missing out on or destroying because we are so in our own heads that we can't focus on what's outside?

Guilty.

I'm completely aware that my past and the relationships in my past are 99% of my dark voices. That the voice telling me to "give it up; you'll never be good at this Mom and wife thing" is definitely not His. And please don't think that I'm saying I'm leaving my family because I love my family, I'm just showing you my heart. That I struggle with not feeling good enough. In my head I make that into I don't have to put in the effort because it's all for naught; I will never be good at it.

See how bad that is?

Lately I'm taking E's three year oldness (disclaimer: she is a GOOD kid. She is kind and sweet and smart and oh so lovely. She's also 3 which as any parent to a toddler knows, is full of it's own highs and lows. This post is about my perception not her actual behavior.) and making it personal. I'm making her tantrums into an act of terrorism against me. See how messed up that is?

It's just a tough transition. I've never mothered a toddler. I have no clue what I'm doing and sometimes I forget that that is okay because no one does. Moms of four are still thrown curveballs. I am so not alone.

The key is to just remember that I've been through tough before. A lot. And He has never left my side. He won't now either. So when I feel like E and I are battling it out in the trenches, I know that He's down there with us trying to talk us through it. It's my job to listen. And to tell the other voices to freaking chill. I know it's all in my head, it's just that sometimes it would be so nice to distance myself from that head a bit. Too bad it's attached...

because she's funny.

Saturday morning I drove down to attend the baby shower of one of my best friends, leaving Mr. P and the little to fend for themselves.

They managed to get up and get to ballet on time and since the morning was running so smooth, he figured he'd take her out for a quick lunch. So they're in the car driving and he tells her that they're going to grab lunch.

"Where?" she asked (girl knows her restaurants. We eat out way too much).

"How about Zaxby's?" always Mr. P's choice.

"I don't want Zaxby's Dada!! I want a sandwich from the sandwich shop!!" the little whined back.

So Mr. P proceeds to get on to her about whining and asks her if she'd like to rephrase her comment and try again.

Without a moments hesitation she fired back, "Zaxby's is closed".

They still went to Zaxby's. I couldn't stop laughing. Give us strength.

the here and now.

Every single time I start to feel like maybe, just maybe, that we're starting to settle into a groove, something happens and the carpet is snatched out from under us. Time and time again.

I try to be a glass half full person. I try to see the good in everything. I try really, really hard to tell myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. But that girl is tired. Really, really tired.

It took us five years to have Ella. In that time we lost four pregnancies. I had multiple procedures and surgeries in order to have a successful pregnancy. It was exhausting. But in the end, it was worth it. However, many, many times I just wanted to sob "why?!". Why was it so easy for some to get pregnant and have a baby and why was it so dang hard for us??

When we finally had Ella, we were in a good place. We had a home. We had two good jobs. Our marriage was solid after the trials of the past few years. In a way, it was good that we had all that time to prepare for her. I felt like we were at a place where we would be able to give her the world. Where we would be able to easily provide everything she needed and quite a bit that she wanted. Things were good.

Then things changed. The job was gone. The house was gone. We moved hours away to a town where we knew nobody. We struggled a bit and it took us a while to find our feet but we eventually did.

We fell in love with that town. We made really good friends. We worked to build things back up in our accounts and life in general. Ella thrived in a school that she loved. She made her first real best friend. Life was good.

And then things changed. Again.

We found ourselves knocked back down a bit as we took what felt like another step backwards. As we licked our wounds and said goodbye to dear friends, E's school, a home we adored, a church we loved, and a town we loved. We packed everyone up and moved 3 hours east to pick ourselves back up again.

It took a while again. It took a good bit of struggle. I spent a lot of time battling feelings of jealousy as I watched young families around me seem to thrive while I felt like we were barely hanging on. I struggled with a lack of contentment as I wondered why we seemed to have so dang little and why that little seemed to constantly be taken from us.

After a while things got better. We ended up moving again six months ago into a situation that we should have stayed far, far away from. Hindsight is 20/20 though right? Now? Another huge change is upon us. Another devastating change. And I am flat out exhausted.

I feel like I'm constantly waiting for life to start. Which is crazy because I'm 31 years old. I feel like it should be settled by now. That we should be settled by now. And we are so far from that it's not even funny.

We had just started thinking of a second kid and now I feel like it's definitely not the right time. We had just started getting ahead and now... I am so tired.

I am mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I know that there's a "plan" here but I'm having a really hard time holding on to that hope. A really hard time keeping the faith. I am so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of worrying.

The here and now is exhausting. As it is far, far too often. I'm a bit tired of every road being so dang hard to travel.

So if you could spare a prayer, we could really use it. I don't even know if this makes sense. But there it is.

Santa Visit: 2013

Yes. This is late. Moving on.

In November, Mr. P, BG, and I picked an afternoon before Thanksgiving to do a little Christmas shopping. The mall wasn't very busy because it wasn't even Thanksgiving so we ambled on down to the center of the mall. We popped into a Hallmark store where the little and I made a quick exit after she bull in a china shopped it a bit too much.

While we were hanging around outside the shop waiting on Mr. P, BG quickly locked eyes on Santa's Village. I figured he wasn't even there yet so the three of us walked over there.

He was there. And Baby Girl's eyes lit up immediately.

She wanted her picture taken. Bad. She kept talking about how she wanted to talk to him and was so dang excited.

She wasn't dressed for it. In typical Megan style, I had the perfect dress for the occasion already hanging in her closet. But she was so excited.

So we headed on over. And BG loved it. She rattled off that she wanted "three polar bears and three lions" and then sat up there gabbing his ear off. Being as how we were super early, he had the time to chit chat with her a bit and she loved it.

Of course I bought the pictures with the disclaimer to my husband that we would be back in her dress and would be buying more. But he already knew that.

Last Christmas BG saw Santa sick as a dog and we never made it back for her to have a visit she enjoyed. This year? I vowed not to let my lack of preparations dampen her joy. So I didn't. And I'm so glad I didn't. I mean look at this picture. Pure joy.

Santa picture win.

2014: a few goals

I'm really bad at resolutions. Really bad.

But there are a few areas of my life that need some focus and my goal for 2014 is to work on those. So goals for 2014 it is.

1: spend more time in the Word. Spend more time with God.
We haven't found a church we love here yet. We've been watching our old church online but I know it's important to find a church home. Plus it's really important to me that BG attend church weekly from a young age. And she likes church. So we need to find one.

I also need to add time with Him in in my day. I can't remember the last time I had a daily quiet time. I don't promise it will always happen in the morning, but the goal is to spend at least 10-15 minutes daily reading and studying my Bible.

2: my health.
I'm 31. Things are starting to ache and fall apart. This year I plan on taking care of me. Not ignoring my aches and pains because I'm too busy with everyone else. I need to not ignore when I start squinting or my back starts hurting (I swear I'm not 80).

Along those lines: fitness and weight. Yes, yes total cliche resolution. But I've let myself go lately. I'm in the car 80% of the time and I eat just as bad, if not worse, than I always have. You do the math. I've put on weight since I moved here (more on that later) but I want to get healthy. No number in mind, just back to a place where I feel good. I want to get back to the gym. Back to running.

3: time management. I SUCK at this. My mornings are a disaster because I sleep too late, I'm playing when I should be focusing on family; it's no bueno. So this year, I'm going to work on getting up earlier. Working when I'm supposed to be working and focusing on my family come 5 o' clock. I'm tired of always feeling drained. If I spent my time wisely, I wouldn't always feel this scattered and behind.

4: relationships.
It's time to focus on the ones that matter and drop the ones that don't. The friendships that drag me down need to go. The friendships that build me up deserve more time and attention. I want to send more birthday cards. More little random notes. Make more phone calls.

A new year is a new slate. It's like the Megan of 2013 is gone and here is the Megan of 2014. And this new Megan, she's got some work to do. Let's do this.