Wednesday, March 11, 2015

my boy.

We found out Cooper was a boy at an early ultrasound right around 16 weeks.

Life was crazy and honestly, I kept forgetting I was even pregnant so I thought if I knew what the baby was, it might help me bond. So I begged B and then eventually just booked it thinking he would have to go if I had a set appointment.

I kind of wanted a girl.

No, I really wanted a girl.

In my head danced visions of girls in matching clothes. Of sisters sharing a room and telling secrets into the night. Of another sweet girl wearing E's hand me downs.

We had a name picked out. I could practically see the monogrammed clothes hanging in her closet. I was already in love with this girl.

But then a part of me always thought deep down this baby was a boy. At my very first appointment when I first saw the little bug, I thought "it's a boy" and I just knew it was true.
But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly still hoping for a girl.

Then we went to that appointment and the tech gave us an 85% shot that it was a boy. She just could never get that money shot to give us the 100% "it's a boy!" statement. But I knew. I knew that we'd just spent the last hour watching our son jump around on the screen.

It sounds insane to me right now that that sweet boy is sleeping away in my room, but this is how I felt back then. I had no idea...

I left that appointment slightly disappointed. I even voiced it to B, but not in so many words. I mean what kind of mother thinks like that?!

I feel I should put a disclaimer here; I adore my boy. At that moment though, I mourned the loss of a sister for Ella. And that's really what I wanted. Probably just because she loudly, LOUDLY, voiced her desire for a sister. I almost felt like I let her down. Crazy? Absolutely, but you can't reason with pregnancy hormones.
The weeks between that early ultrasound and our genetic screening were crazy in my head. A tiny part of me still thought the tech might be wrong. Maybe she saw his cord? Or a hand? I've heard plenty of stories where the ultrasound was wrong. It definitely happens.

But then the other part of me desperately hoped she was right. I bought a couple of boy items. I allowed myself to dream of blue and start to daydream of boy names. I felt like that at my next appointment I would be bummed no matter what, because now I wanted both.

The day of our specialist appointment quickly arrived and the tech took no time in pulling E aside and sharing with her first what the baby was. And as Ella said "it's a boy" (with no excitement mind you), I teared up. It was a boy. My boy. No I didn't know anything about raising boys but I was damn sure ready to try. Was I still a tad disappointed? Of course. I won't lie. Who wouldn't love watching two girls grow up? They're amazing.

I had no idea.

It's actually kind of weird typing this now because I know I felt this way but he's here now and oh my gosh ya'll; this boy has rocked my world.

My whole life I've been waiting on this child. On both of my children, but I couldn't imagine what he would do to my heart. I know they say boys are "Mama's boys" but you just don't get it til you see it. Til you live it. I swear I didn't know we were missing him until he was here and I realized that he's been missing all along. He is ours. He is the final piece to our family puzzle. We never would have been complete if it hadn't been him.

Funny how things work out. It makes me thankful that I'm not in charge of things. I didn't know how much I needed this boy. I didn't know how much I would adore this boy. I didn't know how much it would make my heart smile to watch him and Ella develop a relationship I could have only dreamed of. Thank you God for knowing better than I do. Thank you God for our beautiful, beautiful, beautiful baby boy. He's our world. I think we'll keep him.


Emily said...

Oh girl, I feel like I could have written this myself. I mourned the sister for Lilly too, just like you did for E. I didn't handle the boy news as gracefully as you did though-I literally cried the entire way home from the appointment. My poor husband was so confused since the baby was healthy and everything looked good...why was I crying? I like you could see the monogrammed clothes hanging in baby girl #2's closet and was heartbroken. God knew what our family needed though, before we did. Liam has been such a surprise (from the very beginning) and has rocked our world just like Cooper has rocked yours. These boys of ours are so precious, such blessings!

Vanessa Miller said...

I wanted another girl for my second too but ok so glad I had a boy. I love having one of each! I have no idea what my third is but my daughter desperately wants a sister. I know how sad she will be if it's another brother!


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