Thursday, March 10, 2011

what they never told me..

Well it looks like it's going to happen.

It looks like I just may survive my first year of motherhood.

Unless BG decides to pull some crazy tricks in the next couple of weeks, which she totally could do.

I'm not getting into the whole "she's almost one" post tonight or the post on how my eyes are swollen because I've been bawling looking at her baby photos all day. Nope. Not today.

What hits me today as I look back over this past year is how completely life changing, emotional, and just plain hard it has been.

I heard this year was going to fly by. Fly by? Doesn't even begin to describe it. I swear I was just sitting on the couch bawling my eyes out at the fact that my child wouldn't quit crying.

Now? She almost rarely cries. Just laughs, squeals, and whines. Good times.

People told me it would go fast, but this is what they didn't tell me that I quickly learned for myself.

No one told me that I would literally cry for days and days weeks and weeks after bringing her home. I've heard post-partum emotions before, but good grief. I had NO idea what I was in store for. No one told me that many, many, many nights I would look down at her screaming face and wonder what the heck did I do to my life?? That I would be so frustrated that I would just look at my weeks old child and beg her to tell me what she wanted. That I would have to set her in her crib screaming and walk away for a few minutes just to get my bearings. That some nights I would just sit and cry with her because I was clueless at how to make it stop.

True story. That all happened.

I wasn't warned that b*reastfeeding does not work for everyone. I just assumed that's what we would do. No one told me that if it didn't work, that it would send me back into an emotional tailspin as I dealt with my guilt on not being able to take care of my child. No one told me we'd spend hours switching from side to side squeezing every last drop out as we both sobbed because it just. was. not. working.

No one told me that there would be times in this year that I would loathe my husband. Don't get me wrong, I adore him, don't worry about us, but there have been times where I wanted to slaughter him. When he went back to work and got to start sleeping again leaving me up all night to deal with the banshee baby. Or when she would wake up crying at 3 am and somehow, miraculously, he just could not hear her (right...). Or when he complained of being tired when I'd been up for 27 hours and hadn't showered in three days.

Shank, shank, shank.

Of course on the flip side, I wasn't prepared for how much more I would love him and in so many different ways.

I heard that when you see your spouse with your child, it's a whole different kind of love, but y'all, it is so, so much more.

I adore him. I adore the father he's become. It makes my world sprout little rays of sunshine when I see her light up and reach for her Daddy when he comes home. It's awesome. I love 5 o' clock (or 6:15 or whenever he graces us with his presence) because it makes her day. He was made to be this girl's Daddy. And I love him so much more for that.

No one told me that it would take, oh, nothing to make my patience snap. The dogs barking tends to make me want to cut their throat out just to keep it from waking her up. A Diet Coke can left out when I JUST got the living room cleaned up makes snakes climb out of my head. I'm going to blame this on how daggum tired I stay.

No one told me about the "mom guilt". It started when I couldn't b*reastfeed. It's only escalated since then. I feel guilty when I leave her. I feel guilty when she pulls something down on top of her. I feel guilty when she falls. Pretty much I have to deal with feeling guilty about something at least once a week. It's gotten better now. I'm finally getting that junk under control but it took a very, very long time.

Then there's the worry. I worry about her constantly. Is she getting enough Tummy time? Too much? Am I playing with her enough? Too much? What's she doing while I'm at work? Is she okay in the church nursery? Is she too hot? too cold? Is she sick? Is she sleeping? Is she breathing? ::blah, blah, blah:: I could go for days.

Gone are the days of sleeping well because I'm constantly tuned to her. I listen for cries, for toys being thrown out of the crib, for breaths; it's ridiculous.

It's crazy folks. In just under a year, my entire world has been flipped turned upside down (sing that...) and I absolutely love it. I've had my highest highs and my absolute lowest lows since bringing BG home. I've heard there's nothing like a mother's love, and it's true times about a trillion. I never, ever thought I could love someone like this. It's crazy.

So yeah, this year has been hard. It's been more than I could ever imagine and while I honestly had zero clue what I was in for, I've absolutely loved every minute of it.

Okay, that's not true. I could have dealt with a little less screaming but other than that, every single minute.


Newlywed Next Door said...

Great post!! :)

Love you!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

oh gawd, this post is gonna be me soon. :sob:

lg2006 said...

that is all 100% true !! Great post and happy almost birthday to that precious angel!

Becca said...

Such a sweet post! Well, except for the part about PPD which totally sucks. :( I had it too but didn't want to admit it until it was too late.

Oh. And you will get a well rested night of sleep soon, promise. Wait until she is 4ish and you'll be so excited by the fact that you can get an actual no-interrupted night of sleep! That is, unless you have another little one ;)

Perpetual Blind Date said...

Wow, that was so amazingly honest. Although I am nowhere close to marriage or babies, I really appreciate the honesty.

Ashley said...

Are you reading my mind? Today I've been reading my posts from when Cooper was first born and having these exact same thoughts! We had the bfeeding issue too, and I just cried at my desk reading my post about when I realized it wouldn't work for us. Ahh, the mom guilt, it's overwhelming. And what is WRONG with men that they don't hear babies crying?! C slept IN OUR ROOM and Lee would wake up and ask "Did he wake up last night?" Ugh! Murderous thoughts!

Sassy Engineer said...

I love reading about motherhood from you. I love how honest you are, and I can see just how much you love BG. I'm not sure if it makes me excited for children or somewhat freaked out, but I still love reading. Thanks for telling it like it is!

Kassie said...

You're so sweet.

And I refuse to believe she is almost one. REFUSE.

And I'm not even you!! :)

TracyZLesh @ Then I Got To Thinking said...

I love how honest this post is! As someone getting into the years of trying to have kids... this really does open my eyes a lot! I have heard how hard it is, and it scares me to death... but knowing that it is all worth it is a huge relief. I can't believe how hold she is getting - a full year! That is so crazy. She is absolutely adorable!

A.B. said...

Perhaps I will steal this post for my own blog. So well written, so honest, and it's so great that other moms just "get" this!

Jenny @ Practically Perfect... said...

This post both scared me and excited me :-) Thank you for being so honest about what you've gone through! I think you've weathered the 1st-year storms pretty darn well!

Allison said...

Oh, how true!! Everything you said is so true. Especially the loathing your husband. When you can smell yourself and can't stand up because you're so exhausted and he says 'I'm tired.' There isn't a word for that!

You've weathered the storm so far. We're almost done with year two and IT was awesome.

Anonymous said...

You completely summed it all up perfectly! This is so me right now

"No one told me that it would take, oh, nothing to make my patience snap. The dogs barking tends to make me want to cut their throat out just to keep it from waking her up. A Diet Coke can left out when I JUST got the living room cleaned up makes snakes climb out of my head. I'm going to blame this on how daggum tired I stay"

I am trying to grant myself some grace and remember that I can't do it all and be patient when I am totally exhausted.

Nothing in this world is better than being a mama, who needs sleep when you have a baby to love on? Thank you for sharing this.

Lauren said...

Beautiful post friend!!! You're such a wonderful Mom!!!! :)

Meant to be a mom said...

Girl, I feel like I wrote this post myself. You are so right. Its beautiful and amazing how motherhood is to our lives and what it does to us inside and out.
Its truly amazing how fast time flies and how quickly they grow.
Enjoy her first birthday, it only comes once.

I like to believe that with the second child we will be more prepared now that we've gone through these things. I'll let you know if that true in about six months :) Here's to hoping!

Jen Watts said...

I'm so happy I found your blog! My baby girl is almost 6 months old and I can relate to all of this... Being a mommy is the most rewarding yet most exhausting job anyone could ever have.

Jennifer said...

Love this post. All of it is so, so true. I can relate to bawling my eyes out thinking I couldn't do it. But it has been so worth it!


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