Monday, September 17, 2012

a constant.

It's safe to say there has been a lot of change in BG's life as of late.

She's no longer in school (at the moment), she moved away from the only home she's known, she left her friends and her routine, and now, they still keep coming in the form of her Daddy going back to work and being out of town a lot for training.

There's a lot going on.

While most of it has been a good change and she's completely rolled with the punches, she is still only two years old. And it's starting to show some wear on her.

She has latched on to what seems to be the only constant in her life right now; her Mama.

Now don't get me wrong, I am loving it. She is all about her Mama and I cannot get enough. But.. I also went through a lot of changes recently. And while I've been busy unpacking and stuff, it's been easy to ignore those changes, but now? now that things are settling a bit, I'm trying very hard to adjust too.

And adjusting for me is hard already, but with a two year old who is constantly under my feet and constantly wants to be with me; it is really, really hard.

We're both learning. We're both trying to figure out how to switch from school and work and friends, to just us, just us all the time. We're trying to figure out how to get everything we got from the other people in our lives for so long, from just each other now. It's definitely a learning process.

The first few days, I stopped everything I was doing to focus on her one hundred percent. If she wanted to play, we played. If she wanted to go outside, we went outside. And it worked, but then I realized that eventually I was going to have to get stuff done and possibly spend five minutes alone. That wasn't going to happen the way things were going.

She eventually figured out that it's okay to play by herself a bit and I've found her in her room a lot just playing by herself and "talking" to her friends back home (which absolutely broke my heart). But then Mr. P got ready to leave again, and back under my feet she went.

Today was a hard day for me. I've got a lot on my mind, Mr. P was gone, and BG was in rare form. Not even bad, just clingy. And it was making me crazy.

I literally could not pee (you're welcome) without her leaning on my knees while I did so. True story. While we eat, I hear "you want to talk to me Mommy?" and I do and so we do. When she aks "you want to play with me Mommy?", I play because of course I want to play with her.

But also I worry, because that's what I do. I worry that I'm not enough and that she's lonely and that I am not enough. She needs friends, and structure, and for things to just freaking settle down.

I'm not sure what I'm even trying to say. I've just had a hard Mom day. A day where I snapped too much at a kid that didn't deserve it. But I didn't do all wrong. We did lots of curling up together and even a park trip was made when I realized I needed a big time attitude adjustment. Her smile fixed me. It always does.

I'm not sure how to be everything to her right now. I'm not sure how to be her best bud, her teacher, and her play mate. But I do know how to be her Mom and how to be a "constant" in her life. So that's what I'll do. We will figure the rest out.

Probably just in time for it to change again. That's sort of how we do things around here. ;)


Shannon Dew said...

Being a mom is hard, so hard. Being a SAHM mom is even harder than I imagined. You are not alone, at all. I know I snap at KP a lot because I want to be doing something that I want to do, God forbid, but she wants me to pay attention to her, the horror, right? It's sad but true. It's such a balancing act. Just know that you are not alone on this journey and we are all learning as we go!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

The best, most awesome thing about kids is how resilient they are. This little bit of her life is a blip on the radar and she'll know no different. But you are amazing, for being fully present for her. I am awful at doing that because I worry about all the other things I juggle. I totally respect what you're doing, and I am sure you are more than enough for her. Soon, so soon, you will settle into a new routine. I totally commend you for handling this all so well, you rock momma.

Lindsey B said...

I just want to jump through my computer and give you a big hug. You are doing an amazing job and she will come through this transition perfectly!

Just keep following your heart and you will continue to succeed! Promise, friend!

Lauren said...

This only confirmed again that your sweet girl is so so very lucky to have you!! Love your Momma heart!!!

Samantha said...

Just wanted to tell you that you're an awesome momma!

Lindsey said...

I cannot even imagine how difficult being a mom must be, but you are doing a great job!!!!

Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Aw - poor E. Poor you. You're doing a fabulous, fabulous job, as difficult as it must be and as frustrated as you must get both with E (I know those potty TMI moments all too well), with yourself, and with Life In General for all of the changes lately.

SEL said...

You are handling all of this beautifully. You know your daughter needs you, so you're there. You know she needs to learn a new routine, so you're teaching that. And you're teaching her that change is okay. And, it is.

Way to go, Momma.


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